Tongue in cheek
Dear Bill O’Reilly,
I would like to commend you for some recent comments you made in regards to the case of Perry v. Schwarzeneggar. You claimed that “The courts are forcing us into gay marriage, there’s no doubt about it.” Well, sir, you are damn right they are. How else are we, the homosexuals of America, supposed to make our sexual deviance status quo?
You’ve also made claims in the past regarding the so-called “Gay Agenda.” You purport that as soon as gay marriage is legalized, prostitution will become legalized, and state sanctioned pedophilia and polygamy cannot be too far off. Once again, I must agree with you on this point. But you are mistaken if you think that it will all happen at once, as rushing water through a broken dam. No, the intent is to move in slow stages so that the majority of the population of the United States is unaware of any connection between the events. I personally dream of a day when every American citizen is engaged in some gross sexual act that defies the laws of God. I will not be satisfied until a man has the right to not only have sex with but to marry a litter of male, white Persian kittens. But the race goes to the slow and steady. We will just have to wait until such a dream is realized.
You are correct in your previous assertions that homosexuality is a choice. Of course it is. I’m actually surprised that more people don’t make this choice. Honestly, it’s a fantastic lifestyle. As a woman, I do not have to worry about becoming pregnant every time I have sex. Women simply cannot impregnate other women. Further, non-procreative sex is outstanding. When you are not fretting over the fertilization of your eggs, you are free to focus on more interesting, certainly more pleasurable aspects of sexual conduct. I know that someday I will settle down, hang up my lesbian hat, and return to the path of heterosexuality as God intended. I will produce as many children as my body can handle until my ovaries shrivel up at the onset of menopause. But for the time being, I like indulging in mindless pleasure. Besides, being a social pariah is much more fun than being a productive member of society.
You have mentioned time and again that homosexuals are out to destroy families. Yes, sir, we in fact are. That is perhaps the best part about being a homosexual, besides the pleasurable sexual conduct. In fact, every homosexual is required to destroy a certain number of families in a given time period, otherwise your membership is revoked and you have to go back to being a heterosexual. I personally have caused the destruction of twenty-seven once blissful families, a feat I am quite proud of.
Furthermore, you are correct in your belief that homosexuals are trying to recruit heterosexuals in order to increase their ranks. However, it is not as simple as you may think it is. It is not enough to get someone to practice homosexuality. No, for it to really count, the recruited person must complete an application and follow a lengthy process before he can officially call himself a “homosexual.” If the person’s application is rejected, he must return to a life of heterosexuality. (I should note that there are cases of rejected applicants committing homosexual acts outside of actual homosexual membership [often referred to as “bisexuals”], yet they are not to be confused with actual homosexuals.) There is a quota for recruits, just as with the destruction of families. I have recruited over sixty men and women over the past eight years. I cannot recall how many men and women I attempted to recruit, but who failed the application process. It might be somewhere in the hundreds. But I digress.
Regarding recent violence against members of the Christian faith by homosexuals, I cannot begin to express my sincerest regrets. It is not our intent to hurt people who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior, nor do we wish to single them out. Homosexuals, as a whole, do not have anything against Christians. However, some homosexuals are a little more hostile than others, especially in the weeks leading up the deadline for our quotas. When a homosexual fails to make his quota, his membership is rescinded and he must resume practicing heterosexuality. Homosexual and heterosexual alike know the pressure of deadlines, and the despondency that comes with failure to meet such a deadline. Some homosexuals handle these pressures differently than the rest, for example attacking Christians with their own religious paraphernalia. Christians are not always the targets of such misguided stress, mind you, but there does seem to be a preference for attacking them, particularly among male homosexuals. This does not excuse such behavior, yet I hope it provides you with some insight as to why such crimes are committed.
We, the homosexuals of the United States of America, are thrilled to be living in such a liberal environment, under such a tolerant president and understanding Supreme Court. Surely, such progressiveness is second only to the European Union, and our neighbors to the north, Canada. It makes the job of changing the status quo that much easier. Who knows, maybe within my lifetime I will be able to witness the legal marriage of a man and a half dozen male golden retriever puppies. I will work toward my dream, and I expect you to work toward yours.
Sincerely,
Mai McLitoris
“Tyranny of the majority must obviously be upheld your honor. Must I cite the case of "Angry mob v. Single black man"? I rest my case.”
I would like to commend you for some recent comments you made in regards to the case of Perry v. Schwarzeneggar. You claimed that “The courts are forcing us into gay marriage, there’s no doubt about it.” Well, sir, you are damn right they are. How else are we, the homosexuals of America, supposed to make our sexual deviance status quo?
You’ve also made claims in the past regarding the so-called “Gay Agenda.” You purport that as soon as gay marriage is legalized, prostitution will become legalized, and state sanctioned pedophilia and polygamy cannot be too far off. Once again, I must agree with you on this point. But you are mistaken if you think that it will all happen at once, as rushing water through a broken dam. No, the intent is to move in slow stages so that the majority of the population of the United States is unaware of any connection between the events. I personally dream of a day when every American citizen is engaged in some gross sexual act that defies the laws of God. I will not be satisfied until a man has the right to not only have sex with but to marry a litter of male, white Persian kittens. But the race goes to the slow and steady. We will just have to wait until such a dream is realized.
You are correct in your previous assertions that homosexuality is a choice. Of course it is. I’m actually surprised that more people don’t make this choice. Honestly, it’s a fantastic lifestyle. As a woman, I do not have to worry about becoming pregnant every time I have sex. Women simply cannot impregnate other women. Further, non-procreative sex is outstanding. When you are not fretting over the fertilization of your eggs, you are free to focus on more interesting, certainly more pleasurable aspects of sexual conduct. I know that someday I will settle down, hang up my lesbian hat, and return to the path of heterosexuality as God intended. I will produce as many children as my body can handle until my ovaries shrivel up at the onset of menopause. But for the time being, I like indulging in mindless pleasure. Besides, being a social pariah is much more fun than being a productive member of society.
You have mentioned time and again that homosexuals are out to destroy families. Yes, sir, we in fact are. That is perhaps the best part about being a homosexual, besides the pleasurable sexual conduct. In fact, every homosexual is required to destroy a certain number of families in a given time period, otherwise your membership is revoked and you have to go back to being a heterosexual. I personally have caused the destruction of twenty-seven once blissful families, a feat I am quite proud of.
Furthermore, you are correct in your belief that homosexuals are trying to recruit heterosexuals in order to increase their ranks. However, it is not as simple as you may think it is. It is not enough to get someone to practice homosexuality. No, for it to really count, the recruited person must complete an application and follow a lengthy process before he can officially call himself a “homosexual.” If the person’s application is rejected, he must return to a life of heterosexuality. (I should note that there are cases of rejected applicants committing homosexual acts outside of actual homosexual membership [often referred to as “bisexuals”], yet they are not to be confused with actual homosexuals.) There is a quota for recruits, just as with the destruction of families. I have recruited over sixty men and women over the past eight years. I cannot recall how many men and women I attempted to recruit, but who failed the application process. It might be somewhere in the hundreds. But I digress.
Regarding recent violence against members of the Christian faith by homosexuals, I cannot begin to express my sincerest regrets. It is not our intent to hurt people who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior, nor do we wish to single them out. Homosexuals, as a whole, do not have anything against Christians. However, some homosexuals are a little more hostile than others, especially in the weeks leading up the deadline for our quotas. When a homosexual fails to make his quota, his membership is rescinded and he must resume practicing heterosexuality. Homosexual and heterosexual alike know the pressure of deadlines, and the despondency that comes with failure to meet such a deadline. Some homosexuals handle these pressures differently than the rest, for example attacking Christians with their own religious paraphernalia. Christians are not always the targets of such misguided stress, mind you, but there does seem to be a preference for attacking them, particularly among male homosexuals. This does not excuse such behavior, yet I hope it provides you with some insight as to why such crimes are committed.
We, the homosexuals of the United States of America, are thrilled to be living in such a liberal environment, under such a tolerant president and understanding Supreme Court. Surely, such progressiveness is second only to the European Union, and our neighbors to the north, Canada. It makes the job of changing the status quo that much easier. Who knows, maybe within my lifetime I will be able to witness the legal marriage of a man and a half dozen male golden retriever puppies. I will work toward my dream, and I expect you to work toward yours.
Sincerely,
Mai McLitoris
“Tyranny of the majority must obviously be upheld your honor. Must I cite the case of "Angry mob v. Single black man"? I rest my case.”