I want bones like iron, blood like mercury so I can tell you when I'm rising
I'm starting to have a rather unhealthy relationship with livejournal. I often find myself sitting at my computer starring into the empty text box trying to organize my thoughts. That has gotten increasingly difficult as I've found that there's a fine line between what I want people to know and what they actually want to know. And there's always the risk of writing something vague (case and point, this post) and having people who read this think they've done something wrong. Which is not true of this post because the more I think about everything, the more I realize how horribly immature and petty I can be. This almost disappoints me more than if it were someone else making me feel upset. I feel as though I haven't had much of a choice but to be mature and it's unfair to myself and to those I care about to act in any other way. It isn't who I am. So then I, of course, wonder why I act like such an incredibly petty bitch.
So, that means the first step is taken care of, I've noticed a flaw in my personality that does not settle. However, the second step is much more difficult because the more I act this way, the more I become angry with myself, but I know that change does not happen overnight. It'd be unrealistic to assume that if something that would normally prompt me to act bitchy were to happen tomorrow and I'd be 100% okay. This leads me to a problem that I believe goes hand in hand with the previously mentioned issue: I'm impatient.
And then this is where I begin to feel horrible. I do know that somewhere, I do have good qualities, I'm just having a really difficult time seeing past these huge negative aspects of how I've been acting right now. There are a handful of people that I believe will be in my life, in someway, shape, or form for a very long time, if not forever. I don't know what I'd do if they gave up on me because I used up all my chances.
Mr. Opp and Mrs. Eblen gave very similar life lessons. They both stressed the importance of remaining true to who you are. Mr. Opp said that if you do that, everything else falls into place. Which, I think explains why I feel so unsettled. When I act like this, I am not being myself, hence, things don't fall into place. Which is the silver lining. I know I overeact. That's okay. But the actual part of me that I'm unhappy with, is technically not me. I'll be okay. Summer will do me some good.
So, that means the first step is taken care of, I've noticed a flaw in my personality that does not settle. However, the second step is much more difficult because the more I act this way, the more I become angry with myself, but I know that change does not happen overnight. It'd be unrealistic to assume that if something that would normally prompt me to act bitchy were to happen tomorrow and I'd be 100% okay. This leads me to a problem that I believe goes hand in hand with the previously mentioned issue: I'm impatient.
And then this is where I begin to feel horrible. I do know that somewhere, I do have good qualities, I'm just having a really difficult time seeing past these huge negative aspects of how I've been acting right now. There are a handful of people that I believe will be in my life, in someway, shape, or form for a very long time, if not forever. I don't know what I'd do if they gave up on me because I used up all my chances.
Mr. Opp and Mrs. Eblen gave very similar life lessons. They both stressed the importance of remaining true to who you are. Mr. Opp said that if you do that, everything else falls into place. Which, I think explains why I feel so unsettled. When I act like this, I am not being myself, hence, things don't fall into place. Which is the silver lining. I know I overeact. That's okay. But the actual part of me that I'm unhappy with, is technically not me. I'll be okay. Summer will do me some good.