The Doctoral Deficiency (4/5)
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Rating: PG
Part One * Part Two * Part Three
"Hey, Leonard," Raj said eagerly as he quickly strode up behind the theoretical physicist standing just outside the departmental office late on the next Monday afternoon. Raj's blue windbreaker was zipped up high against the unseasonable rain showers that'd been plaguing the campus, making a plastic zip-zip sound with every stride he took.
"Hey, Raj," Leonard replied absently, sorting through the stack of office mail in his hand.
One ominous manila envelope marked "Urgent - Personnel" caught his eye. "What's this?" Leonard asked.
"I don't know," Raj said.
Leonard rolled his eyes at the unhelpful response while he stopped ripped open the sealed envelope. "I didn't expect you to, I was just speaking aloud."
"Oh," Raj said, rocking on his heels as Leonard pulled out a stiff sheet of paper. "Bad habit."
"I guess," Leonard responded absently. "Hey, what the hell is this?"
Raj stepped closer so he could peer at the letter. "It appears to be a memo from the administration saying that your employee benefits and research space are forfeit unless you attend the equity workshop this coming Friday and Saturday as well as an OSHA one next week."
The astrophysicist patted Leonard sympathetically on the shoulder. "Too bad."
Leonard slapped the paper against the rest of his bundle of mail. "They can't do that," he growled.
Raj shook his head chidingly. "Looks like they just did. Too bad. But, well, you know, your time and all, I'm sure. These things just happen."
Leonard reviewed the memo. "Hey, it's got your name on the cc field. Better go check your mailbox because I bet you've got one of these, too."
Raj grabbed the memo out of Leonard's hand. "No way. Uh, just let me run back to the mailroom and grab mine. I'm sure you're wrong!"
Leonard stood there, shaking his head as he stared at the memo in his hand. Eighteen hours of his time devoted to workshops on university policies that had nothing to do with his work? He'd been avoiding these for years, but somehow they'd tracked him down. And the threat of losing his benefits and research space was just scary enough to force anyone into these workshops. Much worse than the usual threat of "a letter in your file" he usually received.
"Damnit!" Raj's voice boomed from down the hallway, shortly to be followed by the man himself. "This is an outrage! A trampling of my civil liberties! I can't believe it."
Leonard took a little perverse pleasure in his friend's pain. "Ah, too bad, Raj. But, you know, maybe it was your time."
Raj snorted and sneered at Leonard. "Go ahead, mock my pain. Just for that, you're not invited."
"Invited to what?" Leonard challenged.
Raj leaned in conspiratorially. "I came up with a great plan to cheer Howard up. I told him to meet me outside. I'm going to take him to the movies tonight."
"Alright," Leonard said, feeling a bit excluded. "That'll be nice. What're you going to see?"
"The new Twilight movie," Raj confided.
"Really?" Leonard spluttered. "Isn't that, like, a chick flick?"
"Precisely," Raj said proudly. "There we'll be, the only two men in a theatre packed full of hormonally raging women-" His voice petered off at the somewhat daunting image he was painting. With a theatrical throat-clearing, he shook it off.
"And see?" Raj continued, removing his blue windbreaker to reveal a black t-shirt layered over a long-sleeved shirt. The shirt was blank except for a frothy white text proclaiming its wearer was part of 'Team Edward.' Looking down at his revealed shirt, proudly, Raj chortled. "The girls are going to love this. I mean, why wouldn't they? Edward is dreamy, you have to admit. If I'm on Team Edward, they're going to know that I'm the guy for them."
Leonard stifled a chuckle. "No, I don't think so."
Raj appeared about to fight for his character's reputation when a similarly clad figure appeared through the far doors.
"Hey, buddy," came Howard's voice. "What's taking you so long. We're going to be late!"
"You're, erm, excited about seeing Twilight?" Leonard asked, his tone evidence of patent disbelief.
"Excited?" Howard said as he strode up. "I'm prepared to be the luckiest man in Pasadena tonight."
When Raj flashed him a betrayed look, Howard elaborated, "We'll be the two luckiest men. See?" Howard unzipped his jacket to reveal a black t-shirt, layered over his green long-sleeved shirt, adorned with the slogan 'Team Jacob.'
"Cool, isn't it?" Howard asked.
Leonard couldn't help but laugh. "Um, well, no, actually."
Howard scoffed at Leonard's mockery. "Laugh while you can, but we'll be having the last laugh when we're fighting off the fangirls with sticks after they get warmed up by those vampire and werewolf boys on the big screen. They'll be putty in our hands!"
Leonard continued to chuckle as they hurried away from campus although his good mood faded as he regarded the memo still clenched in his hand. "Equity workshop on university policies," he muttered in a sarcastic tone. "Just peachy."
(Author's Note: Time to check out the Story Art by kadaverous)
"Oh my gosh. Howard, Raj, what happened?" Penny was still in her Cheesecake Factory uniform, holding a bag of groceries against her hip while she fumbled for her apartment key with her free hand. All of that was forgotten as she stared at the bedraggled pair who'd just bolted up the stairs to stand on the landing outside Leonard and Sheldon's door.
"Oh, god," Howard breathed. "It's just too scary. We need to get inside somewhere it's safe. Now!"
Raj pushed the guys' apartment door open and waved the other man in with an urgent gesture.
Penny followed before they slammed the door closed and twisted the bolt home. "What the hell is up?" she asked again, staring at the two breathless men in dishevelled long-sleeved shirts while, from the couch and the chair, Leonard and Sheldon did the same.
"Lost the t-shirts, I see," Leonard said cheerfully. "So, how lucky were you?"
Slumping onto the couch, Howard fought for breath enough to speak. "Lucky enough to live."
Penny placed her grocery bag on the overflowing coffee table. "Am I missing something?"
Leonard bestowed a glowing smile upon her. "They went to the latest Twilight movie tonight, wearing 'Team Edward' and 'Team Jacob' t-shirts figuring they'd get lucky with some of the girls there."
Penny eyed them in horror. "Some of those fan girls are pretty young. You didn't get jailed for child molesting, did you?"
The two men regarded each other in shock. "We never even thought of that," Howard breathed. "It wasn't quite that bad. Close, though."
Raj nodded emphatically.
"What happened to your t-shirts?" Leonard asked.
"We ditched them outside the movie theater," Howard confessed. "We got no action at the show. It was a lot of teenagers-" he nodded to Penny "-and I overheard some women talking about the cute gay couple by which they meant us-" he gestured in outrage at himself and Raj.
"But that wasn't the worst," Howard continued. "No, outside the theatre, we ran into a local Joss Whedon fanclub on their way to mock Twilight. And, well, it appears that our 'Team Edward' and 'Team Jacob' t-shirts were like a red flag to thirty people wearing 'Team Buffy' shirts."
He shuddered. "We barely made it out with our lives, I'm telling you."
"I'll bet," Penny said, with barely feigned sympathy. "I hope you learned your lesson!"
"Yeah," Howard agreed. "Stick to cons to pick up fan girls. Buffy fans are easier to get away from in those crowds."
Sheldon sniffed from his accustomed spot at the end of the couch. "I wouldn't be so sure. They've got those stakes, after all."
"Sheldon's right," Leonard interjected. "I'd lay low for the next little while. Better to be safe than sorry. Anyway, we all have that equity workshop to 'look forward to'."
Howard and Raj glumly nodded in agreement. Leonard noticed that Sheldon didn't. "Sheldon, didn't you pick up your mail today? I thought everyone got one of those equity workshop flyers."
Sheldon's eyes opened wide. "I didn't get anything in the campus mail except for some paperwork from the grad office that I have to sign for, you know." He darted a significant look at Howard who sat stiffly at the other end of the couch.
Leonard didn't pursue the last part, focused as he was on the workshop's intrusion on his faculty autonomy. "That's strange. I got a flyer telling me I had to attend or forfeit benefits and research support. Raj got the same." The astrophysicist nodded in agreement.
Howard piped up. "The entire Applied Physics group also got served notice. Attend university policy workshops for the next two weekends or we're out of our lab space. We've had to scramble to get three staffers scheduled to do the workshops over this next week or we'd have to shut down the whole lab."
"Funny you didn't get a memo, Sheldon," Leonard said, turning to regard his roommate.
"Oh, mine must be delayed in campus mail," Sheldon said breezily. "Or maybe I'm in a second group. You know, they could be going in reverse alphabetical order!"
"Yeahhhh," Leonard responded but before he could probe further, Penny picked up the paper.
"I know OSHA 'cause we have that at work, but what's "university equity policies" anyway?" she asked.
"What are university equity policies?" Sheldon corrected automatically. As Penny opened her mouth to snipe back, he forestalled her. "Equity, from the Latin, aequitatem, meaning 'equality, fairness or symmetry'. In other words, policies to ensure that all members of the university community are treated fairly. Elementary and obvious but, apparently, some of us need refreshers on those things." His satisfied look roamed from Howard to Raj and onto Leonard.
"Hah-hah," Leonard retorted. "You won't be laughing when you get your marching orders."
"I'm sure I won't," Sheldon cheerfully agreed. "Until then, however? Sucks to be you."
From their glum looks, Penny had to agree.
"Was there ever such a complete waste of time?" Raj asked as he dropped onto the couch, letting his head roll back against the cushion.
"You said it," Howard agreed as he slumped on the seat beside him. "Hey, where's Sheldon?"
Leonard looked back from where he was poking around in the fridge, "It's after eight already. He's downstairs, putting in his laundry."
"Are you kidding me?" Howard groaned. "We lost the entire day to that workshop?"
Raj nodded glumly, his head rolling minutely on the back of the sofa. "And then some."
"Well, at least we stopped on the way to grab dinner from Siam Palace. There's nothing here, not even plum sauce," Leonard said, slamming the fridge door closed in disgust before grabbing some plates and cutlery.
"Nothing, like what's left of my brain after nine hours of workshops. And that quiz we had to pass before they'd let us leave? That was brutal," Howard responded.
Raj lifted his head minutely at the last. "Still, it was interesting. I never knew there were so many barriers to accessibility."
Howard nodded and pointed at himself. "Yeah, fifty years ago, a Jew wouldn't have been welcome at lots of universities."
Leonard took his seat near the couch and the three men began to dig into the takeout containers. "And women, today, still face a lot of problems. Not to mention handicapped-"
"Ahem." Raj intervened with a significant look.
"Ah, yes," Leonard corrected himself, "differently abled faculty, staff and students. I had no idea that you're not supposed to pet seeing-eye dogs!"
Raj smiled a bit mistily. "I bet The Good Wife would be right out there with those civil rights lawyers they mentioned, fighting for full accessibility."
Howard stared at his friend, incredulously. "That's a TV show. And she's a criminal lawyer!"
Leonard wrinkled his nose. "I don't really like that show. That one actress reminds me too much of my mother."
"Julianna Margulies?" Raj said incredulously. "In your dreams."
Leonard shook his head in negation. "No. The other one. And, just, please, don't go there. About mothers and dreams. Okay?"
Howard shuddered. "Leonard's right. I want to sleep tonight, not have nightmares."
"Whatever," Raj sniffed, clearly a little miffed. The apartment was eerily quiet except for the sound of three starving men wolfing down their long-delayed dinner.
"Guys!" Penny waltzed through the door. "Hi, there!"
"Penny," Leonard said with some surprise, seeing her in her work uniform. "Were you working?"
Penny looked down at the white shirt and yellow vest. "No," she said drolly. "I'm wearing this because it's 'Dress Like a Fried Egg Day'."
"Really?" Leonard asked weakly.
"No," Penny snorted in derision as she took Sheldon's seat on the couch, "I picked up a shift from one of the other waitresses. So, what's up?"
"You're brave," Howard said.
"Not especially," Penny said. "I just know that Sheldon's downstairs in the laundry room. He's running extra loads. Apparently this is a special occasion of some sort where he washes all of the bedding and the kitchen towels, so he's going to be there a while."
She looked at the mess on the coffee table and poked at the takeout boxes. "Anything to eat, here?"
"Not much, but help yourself," Leonard sighed. "Normally, I'd go grocery shopping on Saturday, but we were stuck in the equity workshops yesterday and today. Got behind on my work and we were starving."
"Oh," Penny said, "too bad. Wish I could make it up for you but there you go." She didn’t sound too sincere but, then again, there wasn’t much in the way of Thai food left for her to scavenge.
Howard opened his eyes hopefully. "You could make it up to me."
Penny rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Howard, we've known each other this long and you won't stop trying?"
"I'd have to be dead not to," he said, in gallantly breathless tones.
"That could be arranged," Penny replied flatly. She turned her shoulder so that she wasn't looking at Howard, but gazing directly at Leonard, instead.
"So, what did you learn at the workshop?" she asked.
Leonard scrunched his face up. "Lots of things," he started, but as Penny rolled her eyes, he tried to focus. "Did you know that gender equity policies require that there no university committee can be composed of only men or only women?"
Penny let out a barking laugh. "That must be pretty hard in situations like yours."
"What'd'ya mean?," Leonard asked.
Penny tapped her fingers on the arm of the couch. "You know. There are like, pretty much no women in the physics faculty. At least that I've seen."
Howard smirked. "Oh, come on. We have three. You've even met one of them. Leslie, or are you forgetting?," he said.
Penny turned to look at him with a sober expression. "No, actually, I wasn't," she said. She grinned sweetly at the end of the statement, letting her opinion of Leslie shine through clearly.
"Oh, I get it," Howard managed, snickering a little, himself before another interpretation occurred to him. "You know she and I went out, didn't you?"
"Uh-huh," Penny said. "And my point still stands. But seriously," Penny went on, as Howard frowned, "this equity policy's just words on paper. It doesn't mean anything. I mean, you guys have no women participating in lots of things. Like Howard's thesis committee, right?"
Raj's mouth dropped and then he leaned over to whisper in Howard's ear. "Stop it," Howard said, but it was clear from the stunned expression on his face that he was thinking the same thing.
Leonard was already up and out of his chair, going over to Sheldon's desk to leaf through the much-annotated copy of Howard's thesis lying beside the computer. "She's right," he crowed.
"Of course I am," Penny said genially, getting up from the couch to read the same names over his shoulder. "You'd think one of you guys would've noticed that at some point or another!"
Howard and Raj got up from the couch to crowd around Leonard at the desk. "This is great," Howard enthused. "We finally have a way to get Sheldon off the committee, for good and for real!"
"Wait a second," Leonard said. "That rule's just for general university committees. It wouldn't apply to a dissertation committee since they're about field specialization."
Howard chuckled. "Youknow that and I know that." He glanced over at a wildly gesticulating Raj. "And Raj knows that. But Sheldon missed the workshops so he doesn't."
Penny turned an impressed gaze on Howard. "Why, that's pretty twisted, Howard. I didn't know you had it in you!"
He turned around as if to rush Penny with a hug but she raised one hand in warning. Howard sidestepped her with a shrug and did a happy little jump instead.
As he came down for a landing, the apartment door opened. Sheldon, with a large basket of neatly folded laundry, entered. He stopped and stared at gleeful Howard in some surprise. "What's he so happy about?"
Penny opened her mouth to explain but Leonard enveloped her in an awkward hug from behind with one hand over her mouth, rapidly overriding her half-spoken opening. "Sheldon! Howard's just happy because we had a great time at the workshop. He was telling Penny all about the great time we had. That's all," Leonard continued emphatically, "isn't it, everybody?"
Raj nodded in mute agreement, silenced, as always, by Penny's presence while Howard took the cue and ran with it. Leonard 'oofed' as Penny elbowed him, forcing him to release his hold on her. "You didn't have to lick my palm," he hissed.
Penny stared at him. "Did, too," she replied.
"Nyah," Leonard retorted, but with little real heat. The pleasant glow at having a way to get back at Sheldon after more than a week of nagging torments, he had to admit, was pretty good. He couldn't imagine how wonderful Howard was feeling at the prospect.
Part Five
X-posted from Dreamwidth. (
comments there.)
Rating: PG
Part One * Part Two * Part Three
"Hey, Leonard," Raj said eagerly as he quickly strode up behind the theoretical physicist standing just outside the departmental office late on the next Monday afternoon. Raj's blue windbreaker was zipped up high against the unseasonable rain showers that'd been plaguing the campus, making a plastic zip-zip sound with every stride he took.
"Hey, Raj," Leonard replied absently, sorting through the stack of office mail in his hand.
One ominous manila envelope marked "Urgent - Personnel" caught his eye. "What's this?" Leonard asked.
"I don't know," Raj said.
Leonard rolled his eyes at the unhelpful response while he stopped ripped open the sealed envelope. "I didn't expect you to, I was just speaking aloud."
"Oh," Raj said, rocking on his heels as Leonard pulled out a stiff sheet of paper. "Bad habit."
"I guess," Leonard responded absently. "Hey, what the hell is this?"
Raj stepped closer so he could peer at the letter. "It appears to be a memo from the administration saying that your employee benefits and research space are forfeit unless you attend the equity workshop this coming Friday and Saturday as well as an OSHA one next week."
The astrophysicist patted Leonard sympathetically on the shoulder. "Too bad."
Leonard slapped the paper against the rest of his bundle of mail. "They can't do that," he growled.
Raj shook his head chidingly. "Looks like they just did. Too bad. But, well, you know, your time and all, I'm sure. These things just happen."
Leonard reviewed the memo. "Hey, it's got your name on the cc field. Better go check your mailbox because I bet you've got one of these, too."
Raj grabbed the memo out of Leonard's hand. "No way. Uh, just let me run back to the mailroom and grab mine. I'm sure you're wrong!"
Leonard stood there, shaking his head as he stared at the memo in his hand. Eighteen hours of his time devoted to workshops on university policies that had nothing to do with his work? He'd been avoiding these for years, but somehow they'd tracked him down. And the threat of losing his benefits and research space was just scary enough to force anyone into these workshops. Much worse than the usual threat of "a letter in your file" he usually received.
"Damnit!" Raj's voice boomed from down the hallway, shortly to be followed by the man himself. "This is an outrage! A trampling of my civil liberties! I can't believe it."
Leonard took a little perverse pleasure in his friend's pain. "Ah, too bad, Raj. But, you know, maybe it was your time."
Raj snorted and sneered at Leonard. "Go ahead, mock my pain. Just for that, you're not invited."
"Invited to what?" Leonard challenged.
Raj leaned in conspiratorially. "I came up with a great plan to cheer Howard up. I told him to meet me outside. I'm going to take him to the movies tonight."
"Alright," Leonard said, feeling a bit excluded. "That'll be nice. What're you going to see?"
"The new Twilight movie," Raj confided.
"Really?" Leonard spluttered. "Isn't that, like, a chick flick?"
"Precisely," Raj said proudly. "There we'll be, the only two men in a theatre packed full of hormonally raging women-" His voice petered off at the somewhat daunting image he was painting. With a theatrical throat-clearing, he shook it off.
"And see?" Raj continued, removing his blue windbreaker to reveal a black t-shirt layered over a long-sleeved shirt. The shirt was blank except for a frothy white text proclaiming its wearer was part of 'Team Edward.' Looking down at his revealed shirt, proudly, Raj chortled. "The girls are going to love this. I mean, why wouldn't they? Edward is dreamy, you have to admit. If I'm on Team Edward, they're going to know that I'm the guy for them."
Leonard stifled a chuckle. "No, I don't think so."
Raj appeared about to fight for his character's reputation when a similarly clad figure appeared through the far doors.
"Hey, buddy," came Howard's voice. "What's taking you so long. We're going to be late!"
"You're, erm, excited about seeing Twilight?" Leonard asked, his tone evidence of patent disbelief.
"Excited?" Howard said as he strode up. "I'm prepared to be the luckiest man in Pasadena tonight."
When Raj flashed him a betrayed look, Howard elaborated, "We'll be the two luckiest men. See?" Howard unzipped his jacket to reveal a black t-shirt, layered over his green long-sleeved shirt, adorned with the slogan 'Team Jacob.'
"Cool, isn't it?" Howard asked.
Leonard couldn't help but laugh. "Um, well, no, actually."
Howard scoffed at Leonard's mockery. "Laugh while you can, but we'll be having the last laugh when we're fighting off the fangirls with sticks after they get warmed up by those vampire and werewolf boys on the big screen. They'll be putty in our hands!"
Leonard continued to chuckle as they hurried away from campus although his good mood faded as he regarded the memo still clenched in his hand. "Equity workshop on university policies," he muttered in a sarcastic tone. "Just peachy."
(Author's Note: Time to check out the Story Art by kadaverous)
"Oh my gosh. Howard, Raj, what happened?" Penny was still in her Cheesecake Factory uniform, holding a bag of groceries against her hip while she fumbled for her apartment key with her free hand. All of that was forgotten as she stared at the bedraggled pair who'd just bolted up the stairs to stand on the landing outside Leonard and Sheldon's door.
"Oh, god," Howard breathed. "It's just too scary. We need to get inside somewhere it's safe. Now!"
Raj pushed the guys' apartment door open and waved the other man in with an urgent gesture.
Penny followed before they slammed the door closed and twisted the bolt home. "What the hell is up?" she asked again, staring at the two breathless men in dishevelled long-sleeved shirts while, from the couch and the chair, Leonard and Sheldon did the same.
"Lost the t-shirts, I see," Leonard said cheerfully. "So, how lucky were you?"
Slumping onto the couch, Howard fought for breath enough to speak. "Lucky enough to live."
Penny placed her grocery bag on the overflowing coffee table. "Am I missing something?"
Leonard bestowed a glowing smile upon her. "They went to the latest Twilight movie tonight, wearing 'Team Edward' and 'Team Jacob' t-shirts figuring they'd get lucky with some of the girls there."
Penny eyed them in horror. "Some of those fan girls are pretty young. You didn't get jailed for child molesting, did you?"
The two men regarded each other in shock. "We never even thought of that," Howard breathed. "It wasn't quite that bad. Close, though."
Raj nodded emphatically.
"What happened to your t-shirts?" Leonard asked.
"We ditched them outside the movie theater," Howard confessed. "We got no action at the show. It was a lot of teenagers-" he nodded to Penny "-and I overheard some women talking about the cute gay couple by which they meant us-" he gestured in outrage at himself and Raj.
"But that wasn't the worst," Howard continued. "No, outside the theatre, we ran into a local Joss Whedon fanclub on their way to mock Twilight. And, well, it appears that our 'Team Edward' and 'Team Jacob' t-shirts were like a red flag to thirty people wearing 'Team Buffy' shirts."
He shuddered. "We barely made it out with our lives, I'm telling you."
"I'll bet," Penny said, with barely feigned sympathy. "I hope you learned your lesson!"
"Yeah," Howard agreed. "Stick to cons to pick up fan girls. Buffy fans are easier to get away from in those crowds."
Sheldon sniffed from his accustomed spot at the end of the couch. "I wouldn't be so sure. They've got those stakes, after all."
"Sheldon's right," Leonard interjected. "I'd lay low for the next little while. Better to be safe than sorry. Anyway, we all have that equity workshop to 'look forward to'."
Howard and Raj glumly nodded in agreement. Leonard noticed that Sheldon didn't. "Sheldon, didn't you pick up your mail today? I thought everyone got one of those equity workshop flyers."
Sheldon's eyes opened wide. "I didn't get anything in the campus mail except for some paperwork from the grad office that I have to sign for, you know." He darted a significant look at Howard who sat stiffly at the other end of the couch.
Leonard didn't pursue the last part, focused as he was on the workshop's intrusion on his faculty autonomy. "That's strange. I got a flyer telling me I had to attend or forfeit benefits and research support. Raj got the same." The astrophysicist nodded in agreement.
Howard piped up. "The entire Applied Physics group also got served notice. Attend university policy workshops for the next two weekends or we're out of our lab space. We've had to scramble to get three staffers scheduled to do the workshops over this next week or we'd have to shut down the whole lab."
"Funny you didn't get a memo, Sheldon," Leonard said, turning to regard his roommate.
"Oh, mine must be delayed in campus mail," Sheldon said breezily. "Or maybe I'm in a second group. You know, they could be going in reverse alphabetical order!"
"Yeahhhh," Leonard responded but before he could probe further, Penny picked up the paper.
"I know OSHA 'cause we have that at work, but what's "university equity policies" anyway?" she asked.
"What are university equity policies?" Sheldon corrected automatically. As Penny opened her mouth to snipe back, he forestalled her. "Equity, from the Latin, aequitatem, meaning 'equality, fairness or symmetry'. In other words, policies to ensure that all members of the university community are treated fairly. Elementary and obvious but, apparently, some of us need refreshers on those things." His satisfied look roamed from Howard to Raj and onto Leonard.
"Hah-hah," Leonard retorted. "You won't be laughing when you get your marching orders."
"I'm sure I won't," Sheldon cheerfully agreed. "Until then, however? Sucks to be you."
From their glum looks, Penny had to agree.
"Was there ever such a complete waste of time?" Raj asked as he dropped onto the couch, letting his head roll back against the cushion.
"You said it," Howard agreed as he slumped on the seat beside him. "Hey, where's Sheldon?"
Leonard looked back from where he was poking around in the fridge, "It's after eight already. He's downstairs, putting in his laundry."
"Are you kidding me?" Howard groaned. "We lost the entire day to that workshop?"
Raj nodded glumly, his head rolling minutely on the back of the sofa. "And then some."
"Well, at least we stopped on the way to grab dinner from Siam Palace. There's nothing here, not even plum sauce," Leonard said, slamming the fridge door closed in disgust before grabbing some plates and cutlery.
"Nothing, like what's left of my brain after nine hours of workshops. And that quiz we had to pass before they'd let us leave? That was brutal," Howard responded.
Raj lifted his head minutely at the last. "Still, it was interesting. I never knew there were so many barriers to accessibility."
Howard nodded and pointed at himself. "Yeah, fifty years ago, a Jew wouldn't have been welcome at lots of universities."
Leonard took his seat near the couch and the three men began to dig into the takeout containers. "And women, today, still face a lot of problems. Not to mention handicapped-"
"Ahem." Raj intervened with a significant look.
"Ah, yes," Leonard corrected himself, "differently abled faculty, staff and students. I had no idea that you're not supposed to pet seeing-eye dogs!"
Raj smiled a bit mistily. "I bet The Good Wife would be right out there with those civil rights lawyers they mentioned, fighting for full accessibility."
Howard stared at his friend, incredulously. "That's a TV show. And she's a criminal lawyer!"
Leonard wrinkled his nose. "I don't really like that show. That one actress reminds me too much of my mother."
"Julianna Margulies?" Raj said incredulously. "In your dreams."
Leonard shook his head in negation. "No. The other one. And, just, please, don't go there. About mothers and dreams. Okay?"
Howard shuddered. "Leonard's right. I want to sleep tonight, not have nightmares."
"Whatever," Raj sniffed, clearly a little miffed. The apartment was eerily quiet except for the sound of three starving men wolfing down their long-delayed dinner.
"Guys!" Penny waltzed through the door. "Hi, there!"
"Penny," Leonard said with some surprise, seeing her in her work uniform. "Were you working?"
Penny looked down at the white shirt and yellow vest. "No," she said drolly. "I'm wearing this because it's 'Dress Like a Fried Egg Day'."
"Really?" Leonard asked weakly.
"No," Penny snorted in derision as she took Sheldon's seat on the couch, "I picked up a shift from one of the other waitresses. So, what's up?"
"You're brave," Howard said.
"Not especially," Penny said. "I just know that Sheldon's downstairs in the laundry room. He's running extra loads. Apparently this is a special occasion of some sort where he washes all of the bedding and the kitchen towels, so he's going to be there a while."
She looked at the mess on the coffee table and poked at the takeout boxes. "Anything to eat, here?"
"Not much, but help yourself," Leonard sighed. "Normally, I'd go grocery shopping on Saturday, but we were stuck in the equity workshops yesterday and today. Got behind on my work and we were starving."
"Oh," Penny said, "too bad. Wish I could make it up for you but there you go." She didn’t sound too sincere but, then again, there wasn’t much in the way of Thai food left for her to scavenge.
Howard opened his eyes hopefully. "You could make it up to me."
Penny rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Howard, we've known each other this long and you won't stop trying?"
"I'd have to be dead not to," he said, in gallantly breathless tones.
"That could be arranged," Penny replied flatly. She turned her shoulder so that she wasn't looking at Howard, but gazing directly at Leonard, instead.
"So, what did you learn at the workshop?" she asked.
Leonard scrunched his face up. "Lots of things," he started, but as Penny rolled her eyes, he tried to focus. "Did you know that gender equity policies require that there no university committee can be composed of only men or only women?"
Penny let out a barking laugh. "That must be pretty hard in situations like yours."
"What'd'ya mean?," Leonard asked.
Penny tapped her fingers on the arm of the couch. "You know. There are like, pretty much no women in the physics faculty. At least that I've seen."
Howard smirked. "Oh, come on. We have three. You've even met one of them. Leslie, or are you forgetting?," he said.
Penny turned to look at him with a sober expression. "No, actually, I wasn't," she said. She grinned sweetly at the end of the statement, letting her opinion of Leslie shine through clearly.
"Oh, I get it," Howard managed, snickering a little, himself before another interpretation occurred to him. "You know she and I went out, didn't you?"
"Uh-huh," Penny said. "And my point still stands. But seriously," Penny went on, as Howard frowned, "this equity policy's just words on paper. It doesn't mean anything. I mean, you guys have no women participating in lots of things. Like Howard's thesis committee, right?"
Raj's mouth dropped and then he leaned over to whisper in Howard's ear. "Stop it," Howard said, but it was clear from the stunned expression on his face that he was thinking the same thing.
Leonard was already up and out of his chair, going over to Sheldon's desk to leaf through the much-annotated copy of Howard's thesis lying beside the computer. "She's right," he crowed.
"Of course I am," Penny said genially, getting up from the couch to read the same names over his shoulder. "You'd think one of you guys would've noticed that at some point or another!"
Howard and Raj got up from the couch to crowd around Leonard at the desk. "This is great," Howard enthused. "We finally have a way to get Sheldon off the committee, for good and for real!"
"Wait a second," Leonard said. "That rule's just for general university committees. It wouldn't apply to a dissertation committee since they're about field specialization."
Howard chuckled. "Youknow that and I know that." He glanced over at a wildly gesticulating Raj. "And Raj knows that. But Sheldon missed the workshops so he doesn't."
Penny turned an impressed gaze on Howard. "Why, that's pretty twisted, Howard. I didn't know you had it in you!"
He turned around as if to rush Penny with a hug but she raised one hand in warning. Howard sidestepped her with a shrug and did a happy little jump instead.
As he came down for a landing, the apartment door opened. Sheldon, with a large basket of neatly folded laundry, entered. He stopped and stared at gleeful Howard in some surprise. "What's he so happy about?"
Penny opened her mouth to explain but Leonard enveloped her in an awkward hug from behind with one hand over her mouth, rapidly overriding her half-spoken opening. "Sheldon! Howard's just happy because we had a great time at the workshop. He was telling Penny all about the great time we had. That's all," Leonard continued emphatically, "isn't it, everybody?"
Raj nodded in mute agreement, silenced, as always, by Penny's presence while Howard took the cue and ran with it. Leonard 'oofed' as Penny elbowed him, forcing him to release his hold on her. "You didn't have to lick my palm," he hissed.
Penny stared at him. "Did, too," she replied.
"Nyah," Leonard retorted, but with little real heat. The pleasant glow at having a way to get back at Sheldon after more than a week of nagging torments, he had to admit, was pretty good. He couldn't imagine how wonderful Howard was feeling at the prospect.
Part Five
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