The Irreproducibility Tangent (1/2)
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Characters/Pairing: Sheldon (some background Penny/Leonard)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Unexpected news inspires Sheldon to explore options in humaniform replicability. Chaos ensues.
Notes: Set early in Season Three (before 3.5 "The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary") so assume spoilers up into the early third season. Of course, none of the characters are mine! Thanks to friends and family off LJ for beta-reading and copious advice given during the writing of this mini-epic. Word count this section: 4500.
"Shelly? Shel-ly. Shelly!"
The voice coming from his computer was familiar but entirely unexpected. Sheldon almost fumbled the container of milk he was pouring. With exaggerated care that anyone who knew him could tell signalled intense irritation, he finished pouring the glass of milk (to the optimal three-quarters level he had planned before the interruption had almost caused him to over-pour), replaced the jug in the fridge then turned, glass in hand, to the laptop screen.
"Shel-don," came the impatient feminine drawl, "I know you're there."
With a movement that would be flounce from anyone else, Sheldon sat down in front of his computer. Staring back at him through his Skype screen from a webcam in Texas was his sister, Missy.
Her anxious, irritated look disappeared, leaving her gorgeous face smiling radiantly. Sheldon sniffed imperiously back at her. "Missy, why ever are you calling me? You know that family talk time isn't until 7:30 on Sunday. And that's if you confirm by email at least twenty-four hours in advance!"
With that pronouncement, Sheldon leaned back in his chair and took a small sip of milk. His expression of distaste sharpened slightly as he detected a small drop in the temperature of his drink, no doubt due to the interruption his sister presented.
On-screen, Missy was shaking her head indulgently. "Shelly, Shelly, Shelly. You never change."
"Of course not," her brother retorted. "What would be the benefit of that? But, more importantly, why have you interrupted me at -", Sheldon broke off his question to peer suspiciously at the clock on his laptop screen, "-1:17 p.m. on a Saturday? Don't you realize how this throws off my entire day?"
Missy rolled her eyes at this complaint while Sheldon sipped from his glass of milk. "Sheldon, I have some news I wanted to share with you."
In exasperation, Sheldon interrupted. "Why couldn't it have waited until Sunday at 7:30, then, when family calls are normally arranged?"
Missy smiled with exaggerated patience. "Because it's important news, Shelly."
He stiffened uneasily. "Well, I can't think what it can be. The Nobel Prize in Physics has already been awarded this year to a trio that are little better than glorified engineers." Sheldon got a distant look in his eyes. "My day will come, Drs. Kao, Boyle and Smith."
With a shake of his head, Sheldon refocused his attention on the computer screen where Missy's image patiently waited through his ramblings. "Anyway, the Nobel Foundation has my address here in California - I have kept them apprised of my changes in residence since I was a freshman in preparation for the inevitable day! - so they wouldn't have contacted you or mother."
Before he could continue on this tangent, Missy raised a cautioning hand. The Skype signal pixelated her swift gesture but Sheldon still leaned back at the glittering motion. He'd been on the receiving end of his sister's wrath enough times that the action had become reflex.
Certain that Sheldon was quiet, Missy's hand quickly fell. "Now, Shelly, don't you go on! I told you that I have important news to share." She glanced upward and sideways at something out of the webcam's field.
Turning back to face the screen, Missy asked hesitantly, "Sheldon? Do you remember Phil Truscott?"
Sheldon's mouth pursed as if he'd smelt something repulsive. "Of course I do, Missy. Why, Philip Truscott was the bane of my existence up until I was eleven and was able to escape our provincial habitation. Philip was always tormenting me. And that chicken, of course. . . ."
Eyes narrowed, Sheldon regarded the screen with suspicious recollection.
Missy laughed. "What a good memory! Well -" she glanced aside slyly, "-then you'll recognize my fiancé!"
On the laptop screen in front of him, Sheldon watched in horror as a handsome, blond face came into view beside and slightly above Missy's. "Hey, there, Shelly," said the man in a soft Texas drawl.
With a small "Eep!" Sheldon's eyes rolled backwards and his glass of milk spilled over the table edge, dripping onto the floor.
"Oh my lord," could be heard from the computer speakers as Missy watched her brother react to the news of her engagement by disappearing from view.
The sound of Sheldon collapsing to the floor was only slightly louder than the noise that Leonard made in opening the front door of the apartment. Laughing over his shoulder at something Penny said, Sheldon's roommate was smiling and relaxed as he dropped his key in the bowl by the door and entered the living room. That moment of euphoria vanished as he heard Penny's appalled gasp.
"Sheldon," they both called as they ran across the room. The taller man was flat on his back beside a small pool of milk.
"Shelly?" Missy's voice squeaked fearfully from the speakers and her face loomed large on the screen as she leaned in, futilely attempting to catch a glimpse of her twin.
Penny glanced up from where she knelt on the floor beside an unresponsive Sheldon. "Missy? What happened?"
Leonard put an arm under Sheldon's shoulders, raising his roommate's lax body to a sitting position. Sheldon's head lolled against Leonard's shoulder and the smaller man, perhaps unwisely, attempted to lift the Texan to his feet. Realizing the futility of that endeavour as he wobbled under his roommate's lanky form, Leonard leaned the taller man against the kitchen island with an awkward "oof".
Leonard reluctantly laid two fingers on Sheldon's neck, feeling for a pulse. "He's breathing just fine," he announced with some relief.
"Penny? Is that you with Leonard? Sheldon just disappeared when I was talking to him. Did his chair slip? Phil and I are so worried!"
Penny half-crouched in front of the laptop where she could see Sheldon's twin and a strange but handsome man who held one hand splayed across what seemed to be a widely grinning mouth.
"Missy, yeah, it's me. We've got Sheldon here, but he seems to have passed out." With a fretful glance over her shoulder, the blonde angled the laptop so that his unconscious form was visible to the webcam's viewers.
Missy frowned as she stared at her twin's quiet form. "Slap him."
Sighing, Leonard lightly struck his roommate across the check. Sheldon didn't move at all.
"We can't wait forever. Penny," Missy's voice demanded. "You slap him."
"Hey," Leonard protested as Penny shoved him aside and, with a careful aim, back-handed her friend's slim form with a practical thwack.
Sheldon's head rolled back and forth against the wood of the cabinet. His eye blinked open. "Wha? Where? Missy?"
Sheldon flailed, trying to rise up. "Whoa there, Sheldon," Leonard advised, before getting to his feet and leaning over the table to face the computer screen. "Sorry about that, Missy. It looks like he's okay."
Missy sighed audibly. "Thank heavens. Oh, where are my manners? Leonard? This is Phil, Phil Truscott, an old neighbour who's now the District Manager for Fuddrucker's in Eastern Texas."
Leonard smiled nervously as the blond man eyed him dismissively. "Uh, hi there, Phil. I'm Sheldon's roommate."
The other man arched an eyebrow. "Roommate? Is that what they call it in California?"
Leonard eyes widened as he realized what Phil meant. He stammered frantically. "Wait, no, I mean, we share this apartment but -", he swivelled the webcam's position to survey Penny kneeling beside Sheldon and holding him in place with one hand on his shoulder, "-Penny, here, is my girlfriend. And we came in and saw Sheldon on the floor and, hey, what the heck happened anyway?"
Missy spared a look at the man leaning uncomfortably down beside her. "Well, I'd just told Sheldon the good news that Phil and I are engaged."
"Engaged?" Penny asked eagerly, scrambling up from beside Sheldon whose barely conscious form began to slump dangerously sideways. She and Leonard switched positions in front of the computer. Leonard propped up Sheldon while Penny interrogated the other women.
"Details!" Penny demanded. "Tell me everything. What was the proposal like, when did it happen? Have you set a date? What's the theme going to be? What colors are you using?"
Missy appeared ready to fill Penny in but her fiancé raised a hand. "Whoa, little ladies. Much as I'd like to stick around while you all catch up, I have to head off. Manager's meeting, remember, Missy?"
The dark-haired woman smiled brightly and leaned her head backwards for a kiss. "That's right, sweetie. I'll see you tonight."
Phil disappeared from view and Penny hunkered forward eagerly. "Oh my God, Missy, this is just wonderful! He's so handsome. What a catch! Now, tell me all about it."
Missy pursed her lips in distress. "Just let me know how Shelly's doing, okay?"
Penny shot a quick glance over her shoulder. Sheldon's eyes were open but his gaze was completely vacant. Leonard was occasionally flicking his fingers against Sheldon's jaw to keep his head from rolling too far in one direction.
With an assured nod, Penny turned back to the laptop screen. "He's just fine, Missy. So, about the engagement and the wedding plans and everything?"
Missy launched into the story of the proposal while Leonard continued to poke and prod at his roommate. He was tempted to interrupt Penny and Sheldon's sister, but couldn't figure how to get a word in edgewise and still keep Sheldon semi-upright.
Fortunately, the apartment door pushed open as Howard and Raj breezed in. "How's it hanging, hep-cats? Hey, what the heck happened here?" Wolowitz demanded as he stared at the disarray: Sheldon lolling against the kitchen cabinetry, Leonard crouched beside him, uneasily close to the pool of milk and the floor and Penny eagerly hunched in front of Sheldon's laptop screen.
Raj appeared on the verge of asking much the same thing but, as he stepped into the room and spotted Penny in the flesh chatting with Missy on the computer screen, he turned his head to one side with a despairing sigh.
Leonard got to his feet. "Finally! Guys, help me. We've got to get Sheldon up and check his reactions. He was passed out on the floor when Penny and I came back from brunch."
Howard whined, "You went out to brunch without us?" Then, as he spotted Missy on the laptop screen, he began to stroll her way with an assured air. "Hello there, Missy. Back for some more 'California Dreaming'?"
Penny barked out a laugh. "As if, Howard. She's engaged."
"Oh." Wolowitz visibly deflated.
Leonard smirked slightly as the two men joined him to hover in front of a vacantly-staring Sheldon. "Yeah, it seems like Missy's found herself a guy. And I'm sorry about brunch but Penny has a thing for Belgian waffles, so it was kind of spur of the moment."
Howard's eyes lit up. "Waffles, you say?"
Leonard shot him a sharp look. "Can it, Howard. Now, help me get Sheldon on his feet and over to the couch."
Howard nodded as he rubbed his hands together. "Okay, let's see, assuming the Sheldon weighs 170 pounds and we can want to move him a distance of eight, no, ten feet, allowing for going around the chair. . . ."
Penny looked over her shoulder at the men hunkered down in thoughtful calculation, "Oh God, Missy, this'll take forever."
Missy broke off her narrative and a worried look crept over her face. "Maybe you should check on Sheldon."
Penny nodded decisively. "I'll make sure he's okay. I have a shift starting at 2:30 so if he's not good by then I'll get Leonard to take him to emergency but I'm pretty sure he's going to be fine."
Missy sighed. "Sheldon never did things the easy way. You tell him to check back in with me tonight."
Penny smiled. "It'll probably be easier if I do."
"You're right, of course. These rocket scientists. . . ." The dark-haired woman rolled her eyes and her computer image began to loom large as she began shut down the chat program.
"Bye, Missy," Penny carolled as, behind her, three men struggled to lift and shift Sheldon's inert form.
She clicked on the X to close the Skype interface, then spun out of the chair and put a shoulder under Sheldon's arm. "Come on, guys, let's get him over to the couch."
With Penny managing, Sheldon was soon sitting on the couch. More signs of life appeared as he began to shift his head and mumble quietly. Leonard stepped away to, with some distaste, wipe up the spilled milk. Howard and Raj stood behind the couch and debated the best way to assess brain injuries. "Check his pupils!" Howard insisted while Raj stood with arms crossed, shaking his head disapprovingly but unable to speak while Penny was in the room.
"Come on, Sheldon," Penny said cajolingly. "Snap out of it. What happened there? You've got your sister all worried."
"Penny?" Sheldon said with visible distress. "What happened?"
Penny cocked her head to one side. "We were hoping you could tell us?"
Howard interrupted. "We need to check that he's not experiencing a concussion. Quick, Sheldon, what's the value of pi to twenty digits."
Sheldon turned on the couch to regard the engineer scornfully. "Oh, please. Even a child could do that. Leonard?"
Leonard spoke up from the kitchen where he was carefully disposing of the milk-soaked paper towel as if it were hazardous waste. "You'll never convince Sheldon that pi is enough to demonstrate his faculties. How about e?"
Sheldon sniffed. "Well, that is still a fairly simple exercise as any simpleton can calculate the value of the derivative of the function f(x) = e at the point where x = 0."
Catching Raj's impatient look, Sheldon glared impotently. "Very well. If only to bring an end to this farcical interlude. 2.718281828459045235. . . ."
"Enough," Leonard interjected. "He's 100 percent pure Sheldon. Whatever happened, it had nothing to do with his higher functions."
"Of course it didn't," Sheldon said, waving a hand distractedly. "Let me review my memory of events. I was pouring myself a glass of milk. My 1:15 glass of milk, to be precise, when Missy interrupted. Which was so thoughtless of her, but, after all, what can I expect. . . ." He seemed prepared to enter into a long explanation when he caught Penny's disapproving gaze.
Leonard returned from the kitchen to sit in the armchair and listen in. Penny moved from the couch to sit on the arm of the chair beside him, while Raj and Howard flopped into the spaces beside Sheldon's customary spot.
"Well, I may be lactose intolerant but you've never had a problem with milk, so what else happened?" Leonard demanded.
Sheldon cast his gaze around the room. "Missy said she had important news to tell me which, of course, was an absurdity since nothing important ever happens in Texas on a Saturday morning, at least not anything my sister would know about."
His eyes developed a calculating gleam as he recalled recent events. "Ah, but then she brought up Philip Truscott. The dreaded Philip Truscott."
The other men in the room looked at each other in confusion but Penny nodded knowingly. "Yes. He's that guy that was there on Skype with her. Her fiancé."
Sheldon shuddered and his eyes began to roll upwards. Urgently, Leonard leaned across the space between the armchair and sofa to grab his roommate by the forearm. "Hold it together, Sheldon."
With a scornful arch of his eyebrows, the string theorist scoffed at Leonard's concern. "That's hardly a worry, Leonard, unless you're suggesting that the forces of molecular bonding have been somehow compromised."
Penny intervened before the two men could get going on what promised to be a completely pointless fight. "Look, I have to go and get ready for work. If Sheldon's hurt and needs to see a doctor, Missy wants me to tell her so you need to get talking and fast."
Sheldon primly laid his wrists on his knees and assumed an angelic expression. "There's no need to worry Missy, Penny. I'm perfectly fine. I suppose my chair must have slipped on a bit of milk that I spilled. It's the only logical explanation, now, isn't it?"
Penny cocked her head in doubt. That seemed plausible, but since when did Sheldon go from cantankerous to cooperative? "Oh-kay," she finally said. "If you're sure." At the last, she turned to look at Leonard.
"We can handle this, Penny," her boyfriend assured. "I don't want to keep you from work."
Penny kissed him on the cheek and then bounded off. "You guys take care of Sheldon."
"Don't you worry, Penny," Leonard promised sweetly as she left their apartment. Howard and Raj nodded in eager assent.
Once the door was closed, all three men turned to Sheldon. "Okay, Sheldon, spill it."
The taller man looked down at his wrists, seeming, if possible for the always assured Sheldon Cooper, a little bit lost. "Missy's getting married to Philip Truscott," he said, as if that explained everything.
The other three glared at Sheldon. "So?" Raj demanded. "Is there a problem? Is it that you don't want to rent a tux and go to their wedding?"
Sheldon shot him a resentful glance. "Of course there's a problem, Koothrappali. But it's nothing so simple as a tuxedo and a trip."
Leonard nodded. "Okay, we get it." He reached out a hand in appeal to Howard and Raj. "This is Sheldon's twin, the person in the world to whom he's closest. And her getting married is probably just hitting a little close to home."
Leonard finished up his explanation with a sympathetic grin that suggested he was a little astonished at his own insight. Howard and Raj nodded respectfully but Sheldon would not stand for it.
"Don't be ridiculous," he retorted, waving a hand in front of him. "It's that I have always relied upon Missy to carry on my genetic potential. But now, if she's marrying Philip Truscott, a being for whom the label of hominid might not be an apt fit? Well, let's just say that the hopes of homo novus stop right here."
Sheldon gestured at his belly button and then his head dropped forward in despair.
"Missy has always represented the best hope for humanity, given that she carried within her the possibility of my genetic promise. But if she shackles herself to that creature for whom a lobotomy would be an upgrade and then bears his children? Well, I don't see a cheery prospect for a future filled with little Sheldons in the Truscott family trailer just outside of Galveston."
Leonard strove to hide an amused grin. "Well, I don't think Missy's going to care a lick about what you want."
Sheldon stared at his roommate aghast. "And that's precisely why I have to start working on Plan B."
Howard preened, tugging at the ends of the long collar points on his navy shirt. "Perhaps you need a suave and persuasive friend to get between Missy and her fiancé. Say, a little Wolowitz magic to do the trick?"
Raj interrupted angrily. "Hey, who was it that she wanted? It wasn't you, it was me."
Howard arched one pitying eyebrow at the astrophysicist. "Oh, Raj, Raj. If you could ever talk to a woman sober, you might have a chance at my leftovers. But -"
Leonard intervened impatiently before the pointless argument could build up any more steam or enmity between the two friends. "Guys, this is totally beside the point as well as being totally unrealistic. Did you get a look at that guy, anyway?"
Both Howard and Raj looked a little glum at the memory of the handsome man they'd spotted with Missy on the computer.
"Oh, this is all drivel, anyway," Sheldon insisted fussily. He rose to his feet and swatted away Leonard's concerned step beside him. "I'm perfectly fine now and it's clear that I have to act quickly in order to preserve the promise of homo novus for the future. Excuse me. I must go and cogitate."
He turned and with a pitying smile regarded Howard. "That means to think, Wolowitz."
"I knew that," the shorter man roared as Sheldon turned on his heel. Howard glared at the string theorist who unconcernedly strode down the hall while Leonard and Raj stared quizzically at each other.
"I have a bad feeling about this," Raj sighed. The other two men nodded glumly and it looked as if Leonard was about to follow his roommate down the hallway and continue the conversation out of a sense of duty if nothing else.
Raj and Howard glanced at each other in alarm. If both Sheldon and Leonard were occupied over this, that'd leave the two of them to their own devices and they'd already exhausted all of their possibilities for the day given the positive dearth of good movies in the rep theatres.
"Wii bowling?" Howard suggested.
"You bet," Leonard eagerly agreed, leaving Sheldon to his own devices.
"Prepare to eat my dust," Raj vowed as he leapt for a controller.
"Oh, you're on," Howard warned. "You're both on."
"It is profoundly unfortunate that some people, who will remain nameless, are sadly and insufficiently adept at as simple of a task as proper DNA collection and preservation," Sheldon pronounced on Sunday morning, with a dire look reserved for a sleepy Penny, dressed in her robe and leaning on the kitchen counter.
Leonard looked up from pouring cups of coffee with a baffled expression. "Say what?"
"Oh," Sheldon said in a tone that dripped with insincere sincerity. "Was I not clear? Did you mistake my meaning? Should I use simpler words?"
Leonard sighed and slid a mug toward Penny who clutched it closely as she delicately sipped at the reviving beverage. "Thank you so much, Leonard," she sang out dozily. "I'll just take this over there-" Penny gestured vaguely toward the couch "-while you two have your discussion."
Leonard opened his mouth to object but Sheldon was already back at it. "So, as I was saying, it is obvious to anyone with a modicum of scientific training, which, apparently some people that I know simply do not possess. . . ."
"Does this have something to do with Penny?" Leonard asked wearily. "If so, keep it down or she'll pour her coffee on your head. She's not in a good mood, what with your muttering waking us up last night. Five times."
Sheldon nodded delicately. Looking across the small living area to see that Penny was apparently engrossed in some random entertainment news segment, he turned his attention back to Leonard. "Apparently, in order for DNA to be viable for even something as simple as identification purposes, it must be kept chilled and segregated."
Leonard nodded in seeming comprehension. He was used to Sheldon's weird non-sequiturs, but had no idea where this was coming from. "Okay," he said, staring thoughtfully off into the distance. "Yeah, DNA for criminal cases has to be collected and studied carefully. But since when have you ever cared about this kind of stuff? Were you watching CSI last night or something?"
Sheldon sniffed disdainfully. "As if I would waste a moment on scripted dramas so tissue-thin that I could sneeze and solve the crime more readily than these so-called 'expert investigators'." He broke off that line of commentary as he noticed Leonard's attention wander, longingly, in the direction of Penny and the couch.
"Very well," he said in a harsh whisper, "it has come to my attention that the DNA that Penny obtained for me that previous Christmas is not, alas, suitable to be used for any scientific purposes."
Leonard snorted and then sipped at his own mug of coffee. "Well, of course not. It was more about the autograph and the sentiment, I thought."
Sheldon rolled his eyes in patent exasperation. "Surely not, Leonard. A simple scrawl of a name, even one as portentious as that of Leonard Nimoy's, is easy to obtain and has no intrinsic value."
His eyes darted to Penny, beginning to appear more alert as she steadily worked her way through her mug of coffee. "I was wondering," Sheldon said with a small degree of hesitancy uncharacteristic for him, "if Penny would mind taking a simple online training course in proper DNA collection and carrying one of these-" he flourished a glass tube with a long swab mounted on the stopper "-with her to work against the time when Leonard Nimoy makes a return appearance at the Cheesecake Factory?"
Leonard's eyes got very wide as Sheldon shoved the collection instrument at him. "I dunno, Sheldon."
Sheldon leaned in to speak with an air of urgent confidentiality. "Of course, this is all moot since I have discovered that our fellows in the life sciences have sadly failed to match the fine progress of physicists in advancing their field. Apparently, there is some objection to human cloning and no one is pursuing this project! Really, did you know that?"
Leonard shook his head, rather than continue the conversation and stuffed the glass tube in the pocket of his red robe before cradling his mug and ambling over to join Penny. Sheldon was, as always, something too strange for mortal minds to comprehend, at least before nine in the morning and without caffeine.
Somewhere in the hallway of the apartment, something was making some noise for some reason that surely meant its death, Leonard thought muzzily.
"Leonard?"
A brisk double knock followed the call that roused Leonard sometime in the wee hours of Monday morning.
"Leonard?"
With an irritable growl, Leonard flung open his bedroom door. "What is it, Sheldon?"
The taller physicist smiled to see his roommate upright and conscious. "Good, you're up."
"Of course I'm up, Sheldon. You woke me up. So what is it?" Leonard tightened the belt on his robe with profound irritation.
"What's Penny's attitude about children?"
Leonard stared at the other man for a long time.
"Leonard?" Sheldon regarded his roommate with some impatience. At that word, the other man shook his head soundly.
"I'm sorry. I thought you asked something about Penny and, um, children?"
Sheldon smiled primly. "Indeed, I did."
Leonard's brow scrunched in confusion. "What does Penny think about children?"
Sheldon sighed. "Let me elaborate. Has she expressed any desire to reproduce?"
Leonard appeared thoroughly awake, now, but still quite befuddled. "Wha?"
Sheldon rolled his eyes. "This is getting us nowhere. Let me try another tack. What can you tell me about Penny's health. Has she been exposed to excessive amounts of radiation, lead, ethylene oxide, dibromochloropropane or any other substances known to have deleterious effects on female fertility?"
Leonard continued to gape at Sheldon who sighed once more and shoved a piece of paper into the wordless man's hands. "Here. See if you can have her fill out this medical history by Tuesday."
With that, Sheldon retreated to his bedroom. Leonard continued to stand and stare at the space Sheldon had occupied for a few seconds more, before shrugging and pocketing the paper. He glanced at his bed longingly, wondering just how much time it would take to fall asleep after this latest of Sheldon's strange starts.
Link to Part 2
Cross-posted from Dreamwidth. You may comment there using OpenID or a DW login (I have codes to spare).
Characters/Pairing: Sheldon (some background Penny/Leonard)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Unexpected news inspires Sheldon to explore options in humaniform replicability. Chaos ensues.
Notes: Set early in Season Three (before 3.5 "The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary") so assume spoilers up into the early third season. Of course, none of the characters are mine! Thanks to friends and family off LJ for beta-reading and copious advice given during the writing of this mini-epic. Word count this section: 4500.
"Shelly? Shel-ly. Shelly!"
The voice coming from his computer was familiar but entirely unexpected. Sheldon almost fumbled the container of milk he was pouring. With exaggerated care that anyone who knew him could tell signalled intense irritation, he finished pouring the glass of milk (to the optimal three-quarters level he had planned before the interruption had almost caused him to over-pour), replaced the jug in the fridge then turned, glass in hand, to the laptop screen.
"Shel-don," came the impatient feminine drawl, "I know you're there."
With a movement that would be flounce from anyone else, Sheldon sat down in front of his computer. Staring back at him through his Skype screen from a webcam in Texas was his sister, Missy.
Her anxious, irritated look disappeared, leaving her gorgeous face smiling radiantly. Sheldon sniffed imperiously back at her. "Missy, why ever are you calling me? You know that family talk time isn't until 7:30 on Sunday. And that's if you confirm by email at least twenty-four hours in advance!"
With that pronouncement, Sheldon leaned back in his chair and took a small sip of milk. His expression of distaste sharpened slightly as he detected a small drop in the temperature of his drink, no doubt due to the interruption his sister presented.
On-screen, Missy was shaking her head indulgently. "Shelly, Shelly, Shelly. You never change."
"Of course not," her brother retorted. "What would be the benefit of that? But, more importantly, why have you interrupted me at -", Sheldon broke off his question to peer suspiciously at the clock on his laptop screen, "-1:17 p.m. on a Saturday? Don't you realize how this throws off my entire day?"
Missy rolled her eyes at this complaint while Sheldon sipped from his glass of milk. "Sheldon, I have some news I wanted to share with you."
In exasperation, Sheldon interrupted. "Why couldn't it have waited until Sunday at 7:30, then, when family calls are normally arranged?"
Missy smiled with exaggerated patience. "Because it's important news, Shelly."
He stiffened uneasily. "Well, I can't think what it can be. The Nobel Prize in Physics has already been awarded this year to a trio that are little better than glorified engineers." Sheldon got a distant look in his eyes. "My day will come, Drs. Kao, Boyle and Smith."
With a shake of his head, Sheldon refocused his attention on the computer screen where Missy's image patiently waited through his ramblings. "Anyway, the Nobel Foundation has my address here in California - I have kept them apprised of my changes in residence since I was a freshman in preparation for the inevitable day! - so they wouldn't have contacted you or mother."
Before he could continue on this tangent, Missy raised a cautioning hand. The Skype signal pixelated her swift gesture but Sheldon still leaned back at the glittering motion. He'd been on the receiving end of his sister's wrath enough times that the action had become reflex.
Certain that Sheldon was quiet, Missy's hand quickly fell. "Now, Shelly, don't you go on! I told you that I have important news to share." She glanced upward and sideways at something out of the webcam's field.
Turning back to face the screen, Missy asked hesitantly, "Sheldon? Do you remember Phil Truscott?"
Sheldon's mouth pursed as if he'd smelt something repulsive. "Of course I do, Missy. Why, Philip Truscott was the bane of my existence up until I was eleven and was able to escape our provincial habitation. Philip was always tormenting me. And that chicken, of course. . . ."
Eyes narrowed, Sheldon regarded the screen with suspicious recollection.
Missy laughed. "What a good memory! Well -" she glanced aside slyly, "-then you'll recognize my fiancé!"
On the laptop screen in front of him, Sheldon watched in horror as a handsome, blond face came into view beside and slightly above Missy's. "Hey, there, Shelly," said the man in a soft Texas drawl.
With a small "Eep!" Sheldon's eyes rolled backwards and his glass of milk spilled over the table edge, dripping onto the floor.
"Oh my lord," could be heard from the computer speakers as Missy watched her brother react to the news of her engagement by disappearing from view.
The sound of Sheldon collapsing to the floor was only slightly louder than the noise that Leonard made in opening the front door of the apartment. Laughing over his shoulder at something Penny said, Sheldon's roommate was smiling and relaxed as he dropped his key in the bowl by the door and entered the living room. That moment of euphoria vanished as he heard Penny's appalled gasp.
"Sheldon," they both called as they ran across the room. The taller man was flat on his back beside a small pool of milk.
"Shelly?" Missy's voice squeaked fearfully from the speakers and her face loomed large on the screen as she leaned in, futilely attempting to catch a glimpse of her twin.
Penny glanced up from where she knelt on the floor beside an unresponsive Sheldon. "Missy? What happened?"
Leonard put an arm under Sheldon's shoulders, raising his roommate's lax body to a sitting position. Sheldon's head lolled against Leonard's shoulder and the smaller man, perhaps unwisely, attempted to lift the Texan to his feet. Realizing the futility of that endeavour as he wobbled under his roommate's lanky form, Leonard leaned the taller man against the kitchen island with an awkward "oof".
Leonard reluctantly laid two fingers on Sheldon's neck, feeling for a pulse. "He's breathing just fine," he announced with some relief.
"Penny? Is that you with Leonard? Sheldon just disappeared when I was talking to him. Did his chair slip? Phil and I are so worried!"
Penny half-crouched in front of the laptop where she could see Sheldon's twin and a strange but handsome man who held one hand splayed across what seemed to be a widely grinning mouth.
"Missy, yeah, it's me. We've got Sheldon here, but he seems to have passed out." With a fretful glance over her shoulder, the blonde angled the laptop so that his unconscious form was visible to the webcam's viewers.
Missy frowned as she stared at her twin's quiet form. "Slap him."
Sighing, Leonard lightly struck his roommate across the check. Sheldon didn't move at all.
"We can't wait forever. Penny," Missy's voice demanded. "You slap him."
"Hey," Leonard protested as Penny shoved him aside and, with a careful aim, back-handed her friend's slim form with a practical thwack.
Sheldon's head rolled back and forth against the wood of the cabinet. His eye blinked open. "Wha? Where? Missy?"
Sheldon flailed, trying to rise up. "Whoa there, Sheldon," Leonard advised, before getting to his feet and leaning over the table to face the computer screen. "Sorry about that, Missy. It looks like he's okay."
Missy sighed audibly. "Thank heavens. Oh, where are my manners? Leonard? This is Phil, Phil Truscott, an old neighbour who's now the District Manager for Fuddrucker's in Eastern Texas."
Leonard smiled nervously as the blond man eyed him dismissively. "Uh, hi there, Phil. I'm Sheldon's roommate."
The other man arched an eyebrow. "Roommate? Is that what they call it in California?"
Leonard eyes widened as he realized what Phil meant. He stammered frantically. "Wait, no, I mean, we share this apartment but -", he swivelled the webcam's position to survey Penny kneeling beside Sheldon and holding him in place with one hand on his shoulder, "-Penny, here, is my girlfriend. And we came in and saw Sheldon on the floor and, hey, what the heck happened anyway?"
Missy spared a look at the man leaning uncomfortably down beside her. "Well, I'd just told Sheldon the good news that Phil and I are engaged."
"Engaged?" Penny asked eagerly, scrambling up from beside Sheldon whose barely conscious form began to slump dangerously sideways. She and Leonard switched positions in front of the computer. Leonard propped up Sheldon while Penny interrogated the other women.
"Details!" Penny demanded. "Tell me everything. What was the proposal like, when did it happen? Have you set a date? What's the theme going to be? What colors are you using?"
Missy appeared ready to fill Penny in but her fiancé raised a hand. "Whoa, little ladies. Much as I'd like to stick around while you all catch up, I have to head off. Manager's meeting, remember, Missy?"
The dark-haired woman smiled brightly and leaned her head backwards for a kiss. "That's right, sweetie. I'll see you tonight."
Phil disappeared from view and Penny hunkered forward eagerly. "Oh my God, Missy, this is just wonderful! He's so handsome. What a catch! Now, tell me all about it."
Missy pursed her lips in distress. "Just let me know how Shelly's doing, okay?"
Penny shot a quick glance over her shoulder. Sheldon's eyes were open but his gaze was completely vacant. Leonard was occasionally flicking his fingers against Sheldon's jaw to keep his head from rolling too far in one direction.
With an assured nod, Penny turned back to the laptop screen. "He's just fine, Missy. So, about the engagement and the wedding plans and everything?"
Missy launched into the story of the proposal while Leonard continued to poke and prod at his roommate. He was tempted to interrupt Penny and Sheldon's sister, but couldn't figure how to get a word in edgewise and still keep Sheldon semi-upright.
Fortunately, the apartment door pushed open as Howard and Raj breezed in. "How's it hanging, hep-cats? Hey, what the heck happened here?" Wolowitz demanded as he stared at the disarray: Sheldon lolling against the kitchen cabinetry, Leonard crouched beside him, uneasily close to the pool of milk and the floor and Penny eagerly hunched in front of Sheldon's laptop screen.
Raj appeared on the verge of asking much the same thing but, as he stepped into the room and spotted Penny in the flesh chatting with Missy on the computer screen, he turned his head to one side with a despairing sigh.
Leonard got to his feet. "Finally! Guys, help me. We've got to get Sheldon up and check his reactions. He was passed out on the floor when Penny and I came back from brunch."
Howard whined, "You went out to brunch without us?" Then, as he spotted Missy on the laptop screen, he began to stroll her way with an assured air. "Hello there, Missy. Back for some more 'California Dreaming'?"
Penny barked out a laugh. "As if, Howard. She's engaged."
"Oh." Wolowitz visibly deflated.
Leonard smirked slightly as the two men joined him to hover in front of a vacantly-staring Sheldon. "Yeah, it seems like Missy's found herself a guy. And I'm sorry about brunch but Penny has a thing for Belgian waffles, so it was kind of spur of the moment."
Howard's eyes lit up. "Waffles, you say?"
Leonard shot him a sharp look. "Can it, Howard. Now, help me get Sheldon on his feet and over to the couch."
Howard nodded as he rubbed his hands together. "Okay, let's see, assuming the Sheldon weighs 170 pounds and we can want to move him a distance of eight, no, ten feet, allowing for going around the chair. . . ."
Penny looked over her shoulder at the men hunkered down in thoughtful calculation, "Oh God, Missy, this'll take forever."
Missy broke off her narrative and a worried look crept over her face. "Maybe you should check on Sheldon."
Penny nodded decisively. "I'll make sure he's okay. I have a shift starting at 2:30 so if he's not good by then I'll get Leonard to take him to emergency but I'm pretty sure he's going to be fine."
Missy sighed. "Sheldon never did things the easy way. You tell him to check back in with me tonight."
Penny smiled. "It'll probably be easier if I do."
"You're right, of course. These rocket scientists. . . ." The dark-haired woman rolled her eyes and her computer image began to loom large as she began shut down the chat program.
"Bye, Missy," Penny carolled as, behind her, three men struggled to lift and shift Sheldon's inert form.
She clicked on the X to close the Skype interface, then spun out of the chair and put a shoulder under Sheldon's arm. "Come on, guys, let's get him over to the couch."
With Penny managing, Sheldon was soon sitting on the couch. More signs of life appeared as he began to shift his head and mumble quietly. Leonard stepped away to, with some distaste, wipe up the spilled milk. Howard and Raj stood behind the couch and debated the best way to assess brain injuries. "Check his pupils!" Howard insisted while Raj stood with arms crossed, shaking his head disapprovingly but unable to speak while Penny was in the room.
"Come on, Sheldon," Penny said cajolingly. "Snap out of it. What happened there? You've got your sister all worried."
"Penny?" Sheldon said with visible distress. "What happened?"
Penny cocked her head to one side. "We were hoping you could tell us?"
Howard interrupted. "We need to check that he's not experiencing a concussion. Quick, Sheldon, what's the value of pi to twenty digits."
Sheldon turned on the couch to regard the engineer scornfully. "Oh, please. Even a child could do that. Leonard?"
Leonard spoke up from the kitchen where he was carefully disposing of the milk-soaked paper towel as if it were hazardous waste. "You'll never convince Sheldon that pi is enough to demonstrate his faculties. How about e?"
Sheldon sniffed. "Well, that is still a fairly simple exercise as any simpleton can calculate the value of the derivative of the function f(x) = e at the point where x = 0."
Catching Raj's impatient look, Sheldon glared impotently. "Very well. If only to bring an end to this farcical interlude. 2.718281828459045235. . . ."
"Enough," Leonard interjected. "He's 100 percent pure Sheldon. Whatever happened, it had nothing to do with his higher functions."
"Of course it didn't," Sheldon said, waving a hand distractedly. "Let me review my memory of events. I was pouring myself a glass of milk. My 1:15 glass of milk, to be precise, when Missy interrupted. Which was so thoughtless of her, but, after all, what can I expect. . . ." He seemed prepared to enter into a long explanation when he caught Penny's disapproving gaze.
Leonard returned from the kitchen to sit in the armchair and listen in. Penny moved from the couch to sit on the arm of the chair beside him, while Raj and Howard flopped into the spaces beside Sheldon's customary spot.
"Well, I may be lactose intolerant but you've never had a problem with milk, so what else happened?" Leonard demanded.
Sheldon cast his gaze around the room. "Missy said she had important news to tell me which, of course, was an absurdity since nothing important ever happens in Texas on a Saturday morning, at least not anything my sister would know about."
His eyes developed a calculating gleam as he recalled recent events. "Ah, but then she brought up Philip Truscott. The dreaded Philip Truscott."
The other men in the room looked at each other in confusion but Penny nodded knowingly. "Yes. He's that guy that was there on Skype with her. Her fiancé."
Sheldon shuddered and his eyes began to roll upwards. Urgently, Leonard leaned across the space between the armchair and sofa to grab his roommate by the forearm. "Hold it together, Sheldon."
With a scornful arch of his eyebrows, the string theorist scoffed at Leonard's concern. "That's hardly a worry, Leonard, unless you're suggesting that the forces of molecular bonding have been somehow compromised."
Penny intervened before the two men could get going on what promised to be a completely pointless fight. "Look, I have to go and get ready for work. If Sheldon's hurt and needs to see a doctor, Missy wants me to tell her so you need to get talking and fast."
Sheldon primly laid his wrists on his knees and assumed an angelic expression. "There's no need to worry Missy, Penny. I'm perfectly fine. I suppose my chair must have slipped on a bit of milk that I spilled. It's the only logical explanation, now, isn't it?"
Penny cocked her head in doubt. That seemed plausible, but since when did Sheldon go from cantankerous to cooperative? "Oh-kay," she finally said. "If you're sure." At the last, she turned to look at Leonard.
"We can handle this, Penny," her boyfriend assured. "I don't want to keep you from work."
Penny kissed him on the cheek and then bounded off. "You guys take care of Sheldon."
"Don't you worry, Penny," Leonard promised sweetly as she left their apartment. Howard and Raj nodded in eager assent.
Once the door was closed, all three men turned to Sheldon. "Okay, Sheldon, spill it."
The taller man looked down at his wrists, seeming, if possible for the always assured Sheldon Cooper, a little bit lost. "Missy's getting married to Philip Truscott," he said, as if that explained everything.
The other three glared at Sheldon. "So?" Raj demanded. "Is there a problem? Is it that you don't want to rent a tux and go to their wedding?"
Sheldon shot him a resentful glance. "Of course there's a problem, Koothrappali. But it's nothing so simple as a tuxedo and a trip."
Leonard nodded. "Okay, we get it." He reached out a hand in appeal to Howard and Raj. "This is Sheldon's twin, the person in the world to whom he's closest. And her getting married is probably just hitting a little close to home."
Leonard finished up his explanation with a sympathetic grin that suggested he was a little astonished at his own insight. Howard and Raj nodded respectfully but Sheldon would not stand for it.
"Don't be ridiculous," he retorted, waving a hand in front of him. "It's that I have always relied upon Missy to carry on my genetic potential. But now, if she's marrying Philip Truscott, a being for whom the label of hominid might not be an apt fit? Well, let's just say that the hopes of homo novus stop right here."
Sheldon gestured at his belly button and then his head dropped forward in despair.
"Missy has always represented the best hope for humanity, given that she carried within her the possibility of my genetic promise. But if she shackles herself to that creature for whom a lobotomy would be an upgrade and then bears his children? Well, I don't see a cheery prospect for a future filled with little Sheldons in the Truscott family trailer just outside of Galveston."
Leonard strove to hide an amused grin. "Well, I don't think Missy's going to care a lick about what you want."
Sheldon stared at his roommate aghast. "And that's precisely why I have to start working on Plan B."
Howard preened, tugging at the ends of the long collar points on his navy shirt. "Perhaps you need a suave and persuasive friend to get between Missy and her fiancé. Say, a little Wolowitz magic to do the trick?"
Raj interrupted angrily. "Hey, who was it that she wanted? It wasn't you, it was me."
Howard arched one pitying eyebrow at the astrophysicist. "Oh, Raj, Raj. If you could ever talk to a woman sober, you might have a chance at my leftovers. But -"
Leonard intervened impatiently before the pointless argument could build up any more steam or enmity between the two friends. "Guys, this is totally beside the point as well as being totally unrealistic. Did you get a look at that guy, anyway?"
Both Howard and Raj looked a little glum at the memory of the handsome man they'd spotted with Missy on the computer.
"Oh, this is all drivel, anyway," Sheldon insisted fussily. He rose to his feet and swatted away Leonard's concerned step beside him. "I'm perfectly fine now and it's clear that I have to act quickly in order to preserve the promise of homo novus for the future. Excuse me. I must go and cogitate."
He turned and with a pitying smile regarded Howard. "That means to think, Wolowitz."
"I knew that," the shorter man roared as Sheldon turned on his heel. Howard glared at the string theorist who unconcernedly strode down the hall while Leonard and Raj stared quizzically at each other.
"I have a bad feeling about this," Raj sighed. The other two men nodded glumly and it looked as if Leonard was about to follow his roommate down the hallway and continue the conversation out of a sense of duty if nothing else.
Raj and Howard glanced at each other in alarm. If both Sheldon and Leonard were occupied over this, that'd leave the two of them to their own devices and they'd already exhausted all of their possibilities for the day given the positive dearth of good movies in the rep theatres.
"Wii bowling?" Howard suggested.
"You bet," Leonard eagerly agreed, leaving Sheldon to his own devices.
"Prepare to eat my dust," Raj vowed as he leapt for a controller.
"Oh, you're on," Howard warned. "You're both on."
"It is profoundly unfortunate that some people, who will remain nameless, are sadly and insufficiently adept at as simple of a task as proper DNA collection and preservation," Sheldon pronounced on Sunday morning, with a dire look reserved for a sleepy Penny, dressed in her robe and leaning on the kitchen counter.
Leonard looked up from pouring cups of coffee with a baffled expression. "Say what?"
"Oh," Sheldon said in a tone that dripped with insincere sincerity. "Was I not clear? Did you mistake my meaning? Should I use simpler words?"
Leonard sighed and slid a mug toward Penny who clutched it closely as she delicately sipped at the reviving beverage. "Thank you so much, Leonard," she sang out dozily. "I'll just take this over there-" Penny gestured vaguely toward the couch "-while you two have your discussion."
Leonard opened his mouth to object but Sheldon was already back at it. "So, as I was saying, it is obvious to anyone with a modicum of scientific training, which, apparently some people that I know simply do not possess. . . ."
"Does this have something to do with Penny?" Leonard asked wearily. "If so, keep it down or she'll pour her coffee on your head. She's not in a good mood, what with your muttering waking us up last night. Five times."
Sheldon nodded delicately. Looking across the small living area to see that Penny was apparently engrossed in some random entertainment news segment, he turned his attention back to Leonard. "Apparently, in order for DNA to be viable for even something as simple as identification purposes, it must be kept chilled and segregated."
Leonard nodded in seeming comprehension. He was used to Sheldon's weird non-sequiturs, but had no idea where this was coming from. "Okay," he said, staring thoughtfully off into the distance. "Yeah, DNA for criminal cases has to be collected and studied carefully. But since when have you ever cared about this kind of stuff? Were you watching CSI last night or something?"
Sheldon sniffed disdainfully. "As if I would waste a moment on scripted dramas so tissue-thin that I could sneeze and solve the crime more readily than these so-called 'expert investigators'." He broke off that line of commentary as he noticed Leonard's attention wander, longingly, in the direction of Penny and the couch.
"Very well," he said in a harsh whisper, "it has come to my attention that the DNA that Penny obtained for me that previous Christmas is not, alas, suitable to be used for any scientific purposes."
Leonard snorted and then sipped at his own mug of coffee. "Well, of course not. It was more about the autograph and the sentiment, I thought."
Sheldon rolled his eyes in patent exasperation. "Surely not, Leonard. A simple scrawl of a name, even one as portentious as that of Leonard Nimoy's, is easy to obtain and has no intrinsic value."
His eyes darted to Penny, beginning to appear more alert as she steadily worked her way through her mug of coffee. "I was wondering," Sheldon said with a small degree of hesitancy uncharacteristic for him, "if Penny would mind taking a simple online training course in proper DNA collection and carrying one of these-" he flourished a glass tube with a long swab mounted on the stopper "-with her to work against the time when Leonard Nimoy makes a return appearance at the Cheesecake Factory?"
Leonard's eyes got very wide as Sheldon shoved the collection instrument at him. "I dunno, Sheldon."
Sheldon leaned in to speak with an air of urgent confidentiality. "Of course, this is all moot since I have discovered that our fellows in the life sciences have sadly failed to match the fine progress of physicists in advancing their field. Apparently, there is some objection to human cloning and no one is pursuing this project! Really, did you know that?"
Leonard shook his head, rather than continue the conversation and stuffed the glass tube in the pocket of his red robe before cradling his mug and ambling over to join Penny. Sheldon was, as always, something too strange for mortal minds to comprehend, at least before nine in the morning and without caffeine.
Somewhere in the hallway of the apartment, something was making some noise for some reason that surely meant its death, Leonard thought muzzily.
"Leonard?"
A brisk double knock followed the call that roused Leonard sometime in the wee hours of Monday morning.
"Leonard?"
With an irritable growl, Leonard flung open his bedroom door. "What is it, Sheldon?"
The taller physicist smiled to see his roommate upright and conscious. "Good, you're up."
"Of course I'm up, Sheldon. You woke me up. So what is it?" Leonard tightened the belt on his robe with profound irritation.
"What's Penny's attitude about children?"
Leonard stared at the other man for a long time.
"Leonard?" Sheldon regarded his roommate with some impatience. At that word, the other man shook his head soundly.
"I'm sorry. I thought you asked something about Penny and, um, children?"
Sheldon smiled primly. "Indeed, I did."
Leonard's brow scrunched in confusion. "What does Penny think about children?"
Sheldon sighed. "Let me elaborate. Has she expressed any desire to reproduce?"
Leonard appeared thoroughly awake, now, but still quite befuddled. "Wha?"
Sheldon rolled his eyes. "This is getting us nowhere. Let me try another tack. What can you tell me about Penny's health. Has she been exposed to excessive amounts of radiation, lead, ethylene oxide, dibromochloropropane or any other substances known to have deleterious effects on female fertility?"
Leonard continued to gape at Sheldon who sighed once more and shoved a piece of paper into the wordless man's hands. "Here. See if you can have her fill out this medical history by Tuesday."
With that, Sheldon retreated to his bedroom. Leonard continued to stand and stare at the space Sheldon had occupied for a few seconds more, before shrugging and pocketing the paper. He glanced at his bed longingly, wondering just how much time it would take to fall asleep after this latest of Sheldon's strange starts.
Link to Part 2
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