I feel cold.
I'm sick of everyone having their own agenda. I know I'm semi guilty of it to but seriously, I'm starting to feel like I've put too much into people that don't deserve it. I live by the rule of treat people the way you want to be treated but I feel like that's made me weak. I've let people walk over me and treat me poorly when I'm trying to bite my tongue for fear of karma. I'm done with investing and investing and getting (what feels like) nothing in return. I have poured my heart out to this one girl lately and either somehow she's completely blind to it or she just doesn't need me. I would hate to feel like I've grown attached to something that I know is going to end just like everything I've put a part of me into. My friendships suffer cause I'm a jealous person. But there is one person teaching me not to be and I am feeling slightly a better person for it but at the same time I feel like I'm setting myself up for something that will tear me down at a later time. There is a quote that I've been telling a few people lately:
"You never feel safe when chasing security."
I don't know where I'm going with this but I used to believe that I was never good enough. I think I used to say it for dramatic effect. Now, it just feels so real. I'm here desperately trying for everyone that I care about but when I focus on one thing everything else falls apart like... like a house made of toothpicks and held together by gum wads. Why can I not create something strong and substantial? I want stability but yet I'm just trying to make up for lost time. I've been asked what I'm thinking at times. I'm not able to answer that question anymore. You barely let me in but I view you as one of the sweetest things in life. Please do your best not to hurt this heart. We both suffer and that should make us connect the way I've been fighting for since the day I met you. Maybe fighting isn't right anymore. I can't just sit back and let things happen. Ok, I just lied to myself... I'm not fighting anything... you conquered me within a few hours. How did I get this weak. A little part of me hates myself for feeling like this. No, not for wanting something so bad.... but for giving in to it in the first place. I want to be stronger alone. I want to prove her wrong. I just HATE feeling like that out of 5 people, I can go an entire day without being needed or wanted by any of them. See my intentions; they are pure. Care for me. Understand and embrace me. I'm just looking for a hand to hold, eyes to comfort my soul, arms to carry and support me, and a body to keep me warm. Why do I feel guilty for asking to obtain this? Have I lost the right to fall in love?
"You never feel safe when chasing security."
I don't know where I'm going with this but I used to believe that I was never good enough. I think I used to say it for dramatic effect. Now, it just feels so real. I'm here desperately trying for everyone that I care about but when I focus on one thing everything else falls apart like... like a house made of toothpicks and held together by gum wads. Why can I not create something strong and substantial? I want stability but yet I'm just trying to make up for lost time. I've been asked what I'm thinking at times. I'm not able to answer that question anymore. You barely let me in but I view you as one of the sweetest things in life. Please do your best not to hurt this heart. We both suffer and that should make us connect the way I've been fighting for since the day I met you. Maybe fighting isn't right anymore. I can't just sit back and let things happen. Ok, I just lied to myself... I'm not fighting anything... you conquered me within a few hours. How did I get this weak. A little part of me hates myself for feeling like this. No, not for wanting something so bad.... but for giving in to it in the first place. I want to be stronger alone. I want to prove her wrong. I just HATE feeling like that out of 5 people, I can go an entire day without being needed or wanted by any of them. See my intentions; they are pure. Care for me. Understand and embrace me. I'm just looking for a hand to hold, eyes to comfort my soul, arms to carry and support me, and a body to keep me warm. Why do I feel guilty for asking to obtain this? Have I lost the right to fall in love?