(no subject)
the last few weeks i have been in good spirits. i have felt strong, confident, content with my life and even hopeful for the future. then, i don't know why (actually i do know why but don't want to admit it) around midnight at the pisces party i felt like i couldn't breathe. like there wasn't enough oxygen in the air to sustain me. i moved around the party searching for a different location to help me breathe. at one point T came up to me and said "Jenn, it's all gone terribly wrong" i said "i don't feel very good". what i thought was, you're right, out of all the people to tell me it's all gone terribly wrong, i'd say he's the most right one. i finally found a spot up in front alone. ofcourse since i was alone i started crying. why do i always fucking cry at parties. it's like instead of making me hopeful and inspired parties just remind me of what i don't like about my life. i ended up crying until there were only 5 people left at the pary. and i couldn't breathe until 2pm the next day after i took a sleeping pill. i slept for 12 hours last night and i still feel like going back to bed. i feel hopeless. I DONT WANT TO BE THIS ANYMORE. i've decided its best for the revolution for me to get on medication. trinx said she'd help me figure out my health insurance so i can get drugs. i feel like every train of logic about things needing to be the way they are always ends up off the track crashed with my bloody body unwantingly surviving the wreck. i don't want to hurt anymore. i want to find solutions, i want to be a devoted, productive, revolutionary, fighting the good fight. feeling only sympathy pains. being proud of who i am. and no more crying.