I'm still here...
I've been away from livejournal for a while.... Honestly, I have over 200 subscription messages waiting for me on here. None of them comments or anything. i don't get any of those, obviously, since I haven't been posting anything lately. I really have been trying. I open up my stories to try to work on them. I've got things waiting in the wings to be finished, but they probably will never be finished. Pieces of You chapter 2 has 2667 words and Cross My Heart has 2146 words.
But even if I finish those, even if I move on and publish a chapter three for both, and continue on, I feel like it won't matter. The people I admire for writing for this fandom so excellently are like that because they write frequently and consistently and with dedication. In comparison, I feel very small. And I am, truly.
And my friends no longer comment on my personal journal. And so I write about my life less and less. And everyday blurs together into a monotonous fog.
I truly want to finish my fan fictions that I have started, but I can't find the will anymore. The plots are fading into the back of my mind; the inspiration sneaking out my bedroom window. I come up with metaphors I find impressive daily, wanting to use them somewhere in my writing. But I'm not writing. I can't. Why write if I don't enjoy it and nobody else does either? Why write if it feels like a chore? But yet I desperately want to share my stories with whoever I can, and honestly I thrive on other's input. Who doesn't? It's always thrilling to read a happy review and know that you planted a piece of yourself somewhere in someone's mind. I know I often think of stories that I enjoyed in day-to-day life...
It feels as frustrating as getting caught underwater, and rising to find yourself under a cruise ship. You can't breathe even though you are at the surface, and so ... you die. So close, yet so far...
So, I've thought a few times about abandoning this journal and this attempt to reach out to others. It's not working so far and even though I want to keep going, my life takes center stage always. I always tell myself "Okay, when you come home today, you will write more of X." but that never happens. I slack off and do simpler things, then lose my musing power for the day. And if I force myself, my writing feels too trite and choking.
To be honest again, I've been moving on anyway. Less of this fandom, more k-pop and ....anime.... Yes, I've been watching Durarara. Yes, I've been reading Kuroshitsuji. I think this is because of the people I have to relate to. None of them share my love for the VK fandom. And so, without attention, this part of me dies in favor of the me that somehow ends up on the Durarara kink meme.
But it's different. I don't want to write fan fiction for any of these things. I want my good 'ol Alice Nine back so badly.
And so, it's 2:13 AM and I want to write a story to make someone and myself happy, but my muse is in the terminal stages. I really don't want to put it to rest, but what can I do? I wish I knew. Nobody reads this anyway. So why do I bother?
Edit: 2:49 AM Pieces of You, through a stroke of brilliance, has reached 3008 words. Note to self: Muse returns in the early morning.
Perhaps there is hope for me after all. I really like this chapter so far. Cross My Heart.... not so much. Still, I feel like I have a long way to go before this chapter is finished.
But even if I finish those, even if I move on and publish a chapter three for both, and continue on, I feel like it won't matter. The people I admire for writing for this fandom so excellently are like that because they write frequently and consistently and with dedication. In comparison, I feel very small. And I am, truly.
And my friends no longer comment on my personal journal. And so I write about my life less and less. And everyday blurs together into a monotonous fog.
I truly want to finish my fan fictions that I have started, but I can't find the will anymore. The plots are fading into the back of my mind; the inspiration sneaking out my bedroom window. I come up with metaphors I find impressive daily, wanting to use them somewhere in my writing. But I'm not writing. I can't. Why write if I don't enjoy it and nobody else does either? Why write if it feels like a chore? But yet I desperately want to share my stories with whoever I can, and honestly I thrive on other's input. Who doesn't? It's always thrilling to read a happy review and know that you planted a piece of yourself somewhere in someone's mind. I know I often think of stories that I enjoyed in day-to-day life...
It feels as frustrating as getting caught underwater, and rising to find yourself under a cruise ship. You can't breathe even though you are at the surface, and so ... you die. So close, yet so far...
So, I've thought a few times about abandoning this journal and this attempt to reach out to others. It's not working so far and even though I want to keep going, my life takes center stage always. I always tell myself "Okay, when you come home today, you will write more of X." but that never happens. I slack off and do simpler things, then lose my musing power for the day. And if I force myself, my writing feels too trite and choking.
To be honest again, I've been moving on anyway. Less of this fandom, more k-pop and ....anime.... Yes, I've been watching Durarara. Yes, I've been reading Kuroshitsuji. I think this is because of the people I have to relate to. None of them share my love for the VK fandom. And so, without attention, this part of me dies in favor of the me that somehow ends up on the Durarara kink meme.
But it's different. I don't want to write fan fiction for any of these things. I want my good 'ol Alice Nine back so badly.
And so, it's 2:13 AM and I want to write a story to make someone and myself happy, but my muse is in the terminal stages. I really don't want to put it to rest, but what can I do? I wish I knew. Nobody reads this anyway. So why do I bother?
Edit: 2:49 AM Pieces of You, through a stroke of brilliance, has reached 3008 words. Note to self: Muse returns in the early morning.
Perhaps there is hope for me after all. I really like this chapter so far. Cross My Heart.... not so much. Still, I feel like I have a long way to go before this chapter is finished.