Well its about that time again...
Yup. I'm in another deperession spell again.
Why? Same old story that it always is. Money, job, life, future. I hate all this shit. I want to get out of my parent's house so bad. Like i seriously detest this place. Sure its no rent, no bills. but i'm so unhappy here. I want to have my own place. Where i can decorate how i want to, where no one but me will eat my food, where i can take off my shirt without fear that someone will flip out over my tattoos. I want to go where i want, when i want without reporting to someone. But unfortunetly, i have no money. I've tried applying for retail jobs. No one will hire me. Why? Cause my true job is so unpredictable, that i don't know when i need to take off and for how long. I'm hoping that this pyrotechnics apprenticeship may turn into something paying. I hope i do a well enough job for them to feel that i deserve to get paid. Its sad really. That i need money to be happy. I should be happy with what i got. My health, great parents, a great girlfriend. But how can i feel happy when i feel that i leech off both my parents. That my girlfriend pays for almost everything we do. I hate that. I swear though, when i do have money, they will all get every cent back that was used on me. Its the least i can do.
Speaking of, I love Meredith. I'm not just saying that either. I miss her so much when i don't see her. I try not to show it, but it really eats me up on the inside. I'm not happy without her. I need her. Even those "off" days together, i'm still happy cause i'm with her. I think i get depressed cause right now i can't imagine my life without her in it. I think of what if we break up? I think thats what depresses me. That what if. I hope it never happens. But i fear i might be pushing her away when i act like this. And maybe she'll just have enough of it one day and leave. I don't want to think about that. I mean shit, we've made rhetorical wedding plans, and have fights about the names of our rhetorical children! What the fuck!
One more thing that probably needs to get off my chest and write about or it'll continue to bother me. So the other night Meredith's roommates freak out cause Meredith freaks out and rips their laptop from out of my hands. Her roommate starts yelling at me like i did something wrong. I don't like when people snap at me. She could've said something in a nicer tone. But she decided to be a bitch about it. I swear i held back from yelling back for 2 reasons. Cause 1, i don't want to be like my father and 2, cause i have enough respect for her husband to not yell in his house to his wife. It really upset me. I was ready to leave that place and never come back. I liked them. But to be honest, i don't think they like me that much...at least compared to when i first met them. I don't know what i did wrong. What i did to change their opinion of me. Why they dislike me. Maybe i'm just too anti social. Maybe cause i don't have the same interests they do. I don't know. But maybe now that i've gotten that off my chest, i'll get over it. Maybe its just all me, and i'm seeing things from a totally wrong perspective cause i'm depressed. Who knows. But i do feel a bit better now. I'm sorry Meredith for upsetting you and getting off the phone with you like that.
Why? Same old story that it always is. Money, job, life, future. I hate all this shit. I want to get out of my parent's house so bad. Like i seriously detest this place. Sure its no rent, no bills. but i'm so unhappy here. I want to have my own place. Where i can decorate how i want to, where no one but me will eat my food, where i can take off my shirt without fear that someone will flip out over my tattoos. I want to go where i want, when i want without reporting to someone. But unfortunetly, i have no money. I've tried applying for retail jobs. No one will hire me. Why? Cause my true job is so unpredictable, that i don't know when i need to take off and for how long. I'm hoping that this pyrotechnics apprenticeship may turn into something paying. I hope i do a well enough job for them to feel that i deserve to get paid. Its sad really. That i need money to be happy. I should be happy with what i got. My health, great parents, a great girlfriend. But how can i feel happy when i feel that i leech off both my parents. That my girlfriend pays for almost everything we do. I hate that. I swear though, when i do have money, they will all get every cent back that was used on me. Its the least i can do.
Speaking of, I love Meredith. I'm not just saying that either. I miss her so much when i don't see her. I try not to show it, but it really eats me up on the inside. I'm not happy without her. I need her. Even those "off" days together, i'm still happy cause i'm with her. I think i get depressed cause right now i can't imagine my life without her in it. I think of what if we break up? I think thats what depresses me. That what if. I hope it never happens. But i fear i might be pushing her away when i act like this. And maybe she'll just have enough of it one day and leave. I don't want to think about that. I mean shit, we've made rhetorical wedding plans, and have fights about the names of our rhetorical children! What the fuck!
One more thing that probably needs to get off my chest and write about or it'll continue to bother me. So the other night Meredith's roommates freak out cause Meredith freaks out and rips their laptop from out of my hands. Her roommate starts yelling at me like i did something wrong. I don't like when people snap at me. She could've said something in a nicer tone. But she decided to be a bitch about it. I swear i held back from yelling back for 2 reasons. Cause 1, i don't want to be like my father and 2, cause i have enough respect for her husband to not yell in his house to his wife. It really upset me. I was ready to leave that place and never come back. I liked them. But to be honest, i don't think they like me that much...at least compared to when i first met them. I don't know what i did wrong. What i did to change their opinion of me. Why they dislike me. Maybe i'm just too anti social. Maybe cause i don't have the same interests they do. I don't know. But maybe now that i've gotten that off my chest, i'll get over it. Maybe its just all me, and i'm seeing things from a totally wrong perspective cause i'm depressed. Who knows. But i do feel a bit better now. I'm sorry Meredith for upsetting you and getting off the phone with you like that.