MY LIFE
well when i was 8 my half sister died of colon cance/crohns disease i really didnt know her but i remember it hurt my dad so bad. so a couple month past almost 6 and i got real sick to the put i couldnt get out of bed and i couldnt keep food down i lost about 40-50 pounds awee so i was getting real sick so my parents took me to newport hospital then didnt know what the hell one wrong what they told my parents was i was going to die if they didnt find what was wrong so they took my to providence children hospital and when they saw me the first thing they said is i think we know whats wrong.....then they told my parents first and when they came back in the room they were really upset so they told me what the doctor told them. "ray you have crohns disease" they keeped me in the hospital for almost a year i went to school in the hospital and i got out and i started to get better so after a couple of months past i got sick again and newport hospital said oh its his crohns well they were wrong what happened was the doctors at the childrens hospital put me on a really high dose of steriods and so it made me get kidney stones so they did surgery by then i had about 4 surgeries for my crohns and they said i needed surgery on my kidney well when they went in they saw that not only one kidney was bad both were bad. well after i got out from my kidneys more trouble i ran into a wrong group of people by then everyone thought i was getting depressed really bad but i was telling them no way i got into alot of drugs and i tryed to kill myself a couple of times by the 3 or 4 try they put me in a mental hospital to get clean and get mentally better by then i was about 12 and 13 i spent another year and an half in that hospital and again i was schooled by that hospital. well as i got older thing havent changed much i just turned 22 and my crohns is really bad had about 70 or in the 70s surgeries for my crohns and i have had 43 kidney stones and had about 20-25 kidney surgeries. well during the past years i been seeing a doctor for my depresstion its been really bad they said i am bi-polor and i have a really bad depresstion problem. i cant get medical from the state or my job cause if you have a pre-condition they will not give you medical so i have been only getting my sleeping disorder meds and my anti-depressents and anti- psychotica for free but i cant get my crohns meds for free cause i have no medical and its coast alot to get my meds. one coast 2000 dollors for one 350.00 for another and about 175.00 for the other and the meds for my kidneys coast about 150.00 i have been a couple of months without my kidney and crohn meds so i am getting really sick. i am also getting more depressed then before (and the people that know me no that i am fucke din the head but its goten worse)so like i tell people if my crohns dosent kill me my mind will. i cant trust anyone but chris and eric cause everyone else eaither hurts me real bad or talks shit behind my back. i found a new quote and i think its the best and it goes like this "suicide is mans way of telling god "you cant fire me i quite" well i have been through alot of shit and i thought i would just tell people what i have to go through cause i am so sick of people saying that have it bad but try walking in my shoes for an hour i bet you wouldnt make it. the only thing thats keeping me alive is chris and eric and steph and music yes music....i love alot of punk music like anti-flag,the unseen,smoke or fire and i just got into alot of different music like red knife lottery, from atumn to ashes,circl takes the square,senses fail,the hurt process,a change of pace. i just love music and drawing as well as writting poems.