My Problems With Twilight: Bella Part IV
Ahhh, Breaking Dawn. Cracktastic Breaking Dawn. The book that broke even the most devoted of Twihards. I don't know what Stephenie Meyer was thinking when she wrote this, or what her editors were thinking when they read it, but this book is so awful...it honestly should never have been published. It's literally not even a novel; it's a piece of really loooooong fanfiction. Really long, really bad fanfiction. But we're going into this looking at the character of the lovely Bella Swan, and the culmination of her journey in Twilight. *deep breath* Here we go!
What becomes amazingly clear in this book is that there is definitely something profoundly wrong with Bella Swan. Mentally, I mean. Now picture this: your husband wants you to abort the baby you are carrying. He goes behind your back to your best friend, and offers to let him knock you up, if you will agree to abort said baby. No really, he's honest-to-god pimping you out. Is your reaction:
A) Blinding rage at the audacity
B) Horror that they would even consider such a thing
C) Hysterical laughter at the entire ridiculous proposal or...
D) Say to said best friend: "There isn't much you wouldn't do for me, either, is there? I really don't know why you bother. I don't deserve either of you." or "He would do anything for me. And I'm hurting him so much..."
If your answer was one of A-C, congratulations, you are sane! However, if your answer was D, then either seek professional help immediately, or, if your name is Bella Swan, throw yourself down a well. Because there is no help for you. I'm so sorry. Here, I'll use a sad face to prove to you how sorry I am :(
See, there's another problem. As a human, Bella's insecurities and self-deprecating tendencies get worse in this book. And I didn't even think that was possible. Absolutely, everything is her fault. Even when she feels she's in the right, if it's hurting Edward, it's her fault. She spends the better part of her wedding feeling inferior to every female that she comes across, despite that fact that Edward has shown no interest in any other woman, is marrying her, and is clearly asexual. (OK, that last one's all me, but I stand by it!)
After she becomes pregnant, and keep in mind that this is my personal opinion, but I kind of feel like she's actually lost her mind. Throughout Jacob's part, all I can see whenever he describes Bella is a beat-up, crazy lady who's protectively clutching the mutant monster in her belly. It's just...endlessly creepy. This is from the girl who has shown no affectionate, maternal instincts thus far in the series. But then, she gets knocked up, and suddenly her whole world has changed. Jacob sees her stomach covered in purple and black bruises, and she replies with: '"He's strong, that's all," she said defensively.' Why, oh why, does that creep me out so much? Maybe it's because it's so similar to the attitude of defensive, abused women. Hiding the bruises and arguing that 'he doesn't mean it'. Ugh. Just when you thought Bella couldn't get any creepier. But that's her attitude when she's pregnant with the demon spawn. She becomes this weak, listless, irrational creature. She needs everyone to play nice with each other, and any problems are her fault. We, as readers, at least have the small mercy of reading this horror show through Jacob's eyes, without having to listen to Bella's insane rationalisation of everything that's happening. Oh my god, I just found this, look at this:
'[Jacob about the baby] "It's a killer, Bella. Look at yourself."
"It's not. It's me. I'm just weak and human...."-pg 177, Breaking Dawn
No. NOOOOOO!!! Someone, please, MAKE HER STOP! I can't even talk about this, it's so upsetting. That's it. I don't even need to cite any more examples. If this doesn't prove that Bella Swan is fucked up in the head, then I don't know what does. Excuse me for a moment while I rock back and forth gently in the corner until this icky feeling goes away.
OK, I'm back. And I've brought a glass of wine with me. You know, this wouldn't be half as upsetting if I didn't know that this is what Stephenie Meyer thinks is acceptable behaviour. And bad characterisation isn't even the worst of her problems in this area, it's also inconsistent characterisation (*cough* Jacob *cough). This, in my mind, is absolute proof of what a horrible author Stephenie Meyer actually is. She gives us a character, selfish and stupid as she may be, but with some solid opinions on what she wants. She doesn't want a big wedding or marriage, and she's never wanted a kid. She's not even the kind of person that's compatible with children. If Bella Swan offered to babysit any child of mine, I'd tell her to fuck off. But oh, wait, she's having the big wedding now, and guess what? She loves it! All that whining during Eclipse was completely pointless! Oh, and what's that? She's suddenly found herself pregnant with Edward's demon spawn? She MUST HAVE THIS BABY! Even if it's slowly killing her from the inside! It's 'not a choice-a necessity'. Well isn't that wonderfully convenient! You know, Bella's lucky that she has an author who is willing to change her entire outlook on life at the drop of a hat! (Just in case the sarcasm isn't coming through, what I'm trying to say is: STEPHENIE MEYER, YOU ARE CRAP!!!)
My main problem with Breaking Dawn is that Bella gets everything she wants. She gets Edward. She gets to keep Jacob in her life. She becomes the ultimate sparkly vampire. The hostility between the Cullens and the wolves is solved. She gets a baby that she never even wanted in the first place, but has so that she can spend her immortal life without regrets like Rosalie. That baby is perfect, and grows at an accelerated rate, so she won't have to suffer through the terrible two's like the rest of us. And hey, since she's had a baby now, Rosalie loves her, so no problems there! She has a host of ready and willing babysitters that she can hand the child off to whenever she gets bored of the thing, or the urge to shag Edward once again becomes uncontrollable. She gets to keep Charlie in her life. She has the best vampire power. And the big battle at the end occurs and she doesn't lose anyone.
Absolutely everything that she could've gotten, she did. And she doesn't. Deserve. Any of it. She is an awful, awful, awful character, and she gets everything she wants as a vampire. All her problems are magically solved, through no struggle or sacrifice of her own. What is that? Doesn't Meyer believe in hard work or earning what you've got or anything? (No, the problem is that she's actually in love with her own fictional characters)
Every time I read about Bella being ecstatically happy as a vampire, I just want to punch her in the face. It's just wrong. Oh, and you know what else specifically bugged me? There's all this crap about how Bella hates expensive, excessive things, right? I'm sure that Stephenie Meyer intended to portray her as a humble person, so as to make her more likable for the readers. But she gets expensive, excessive things anyway. They are lavished upon her by her stinking rich boyfriend and his stinking rich family. She goes to a private island for her honeymoon. She gets a cottage as a wedding gift. She gets a Mercedes as her 'before' car, and a fucking Ferrari as her 'after'. And yes, she moans and grumbles as a human, but she never puts up an actual fight. She just takes these things and whines about it. And then, when she becomes a vampire, what happens? Is it just me, or does that pretty much disappear? Suddenly, she's letting Alice dress her is ridiculous, expensive clothing (and I'm saying it's ridiculous, not because of the cost of the clothing, but because of where she wears it and what she does wearing it. A blue, silk cocktail dress for her first hunt? Fucking stilettos? Oh god, just shoot her and Alice in the head), and driving around in a Ferrari. Oh, and what was that line when she's packing enough money for Renesmee and Jacob to make their escape?
'Then I raided their petty cash, taking about twice the yearly income for the average American household.'-pg 624, Breaking Dawn
...you priveleged piece of shit. Die. Die in a fire.
You know what, I sincerely hope that Renesmee grows up as psychologically damaged and twisted as I imagine she will, and Bella will have to suffer through that mistake for the rest of her life. Just suffer!!!
Oh my god, I almost forgot about the best bit of Breaking Dawn: Bella is a nympho. That's it. That's the end of it. You know, in Eclipse, I didn't always agree with Bella's actions, but I had to give her credit for being the sexual aggressor in the relationship. She was the one to push forward, while virginal Edward wants to kiss chastely and hold hands. That part I could understand. But in Breaking Dawn that all gets blown out of the water. Bella is desperate for two things: to become a pretty, sparkly vampire and sex. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex with Edward, sex, sex, sex with Edward some more, sex (I'm imagining that this is basically her thought process). Here's the passage that made me laugh out loud:
'"I really do want a little more time being human." I leaned over to run my hand across his bare chest. "I have not had enough."
He gave me a dubious look. "For this?" he asked, catching my hand as it moved down his stomach. "Sex was the key all along?"'-pg 101, Breaking Dawn
There it is. After three fucking books, filled to the brim with Bella's whining to change her into a vampire as soon as possible, she's decided that it can wait for a bit because...now she has the sex! After giving Edward all those good, solid reasons why he should do it-it's too dangerous, there's always someone trying to kill me, etc-all those reasons suddenly don't matter. Because she's getting shagged. Oh and look! She suddenly wants to go to college and get a higher education! That's fantastic...oh, wait. It's only because she's getting Edward's sparkle penis. Never mind. (I hate everything else about the book, but I LOVE this. Excuse me while I go and laugh my head off...)
Back again! Well, that's the big things covered, I think. Just four minor niggles:
1. Bella defending her decision to keep her death baby: "I don't know yet, Jake. But I just...feel...that this is all going somewhere good, hard as it is to see now. I guess you could call it faith."-pg 174, Breaking Dawn
Uhhh, no. No. You should call it the delusions of a mad woman, who is making yet another ridiculous decision, and is now grasping at anything to try and justify it. You have no conception of faith, in any form, whatsoever. Shut up, Bella Swan. And don't use that word again.
2. She intends to call the baby, if it's a boy, EJ. As in Edward Jacob. As in the father of the child, and the best friend who wanted to shag the mother of the child. As in a constant reminder to her husband, who she loves so much, of his rival. Brilliant. Nope, nope, she's definitely completely mad. Unless someone can come up with a feasible reason on why she might do that.
3. '"It wasn't a pretense, Edward. I don't spend my free time plotting like some people do. What can we do to wear Bella out today?" I said in a poor impression of his voice.'-pg 101, Breaking Dawn
No, Bella. No. Why are you making a joke out of this? You were aware that he was purposefully wearing you out and now you're making a...oh, forget it.
4. Bella's transformation. Bella Swan got bit by James in Twilight and screamed like a stuck pig. She was in unbelievable agony, writhing around on the floor, and that was only for a few minutes. But in Breaking Dawn, she gets pumped full of venom, after her body has been mangled by her child, and...what? Where's the agony? Where's the screaming? Oh no, the noble and caring Bella Swan is able to hold back her screams and her pain, so that she doesn't hurt her precious Edward's feelings. Bullcrap, I say! BULLCRAP! And she's counting up to over 10,000 using Edward's breaths? WHAT? She's still able to do mental arithmetic while she's in pain? Shut up, Stephenie Meyer. You are an idiot, and you make no sense.
Aaaaaaaaaand, I think I'm done! Phew! Who knew I could hate so much about the main character in a novel? I certainly didn't! I don't know if I'll go through the second half of Eclipse. I don't want to, because it's so painful, but it does contain most of the Bella!fuckery in the series. Hmmmm...only time will tell. For now, join me in my possibly-fake relief that I'm done with Bella Swan! YAY!!! Next I'm tackling Edward Cullen! BOO!!!
What becomes amazingly clear in this book is that there is definitely something profoundly wrong with Bella Swan. Mentally, I mean. Now picture this: your husband wants you to abort the baby you are carrying. He goes behind your back to your best friend, and offers to let him knock you up, if you will agree to abort said baby. No really, he's honest-to-god pimping you out. Is your reaction:
A) Blinding rage at the audacity
B) Horror that they would even consider such a thing
C) Hysterical laughter at the entire ridiculous proposal or...
D) Say to said best friend: "There isn't much you wouldn't do for me, either, is there? I really don't know why you bother. I don't deserve either of you." or "He would do anything for me. And I'm hurting him so much..."
If your answer was one of A-C, congratulations, you are sane! However, if your answer was D, then either seek professional help immediately, or, if your name is Bella Swan, throw yourself down a well. Because there is no help for you. I'm so sorry. Here, I'll use a sad face to prove to you how sorry I am :(
See, there's another problem. As a human, Bella's insecurities and self-deprecating tendencies get worse in this book. And I didn't even think that was possible. Absolutely, everything is her fault. Even when she feels she's in the right, if it's hurting Edward, it's her fault. She spends the better part of her wedding feeling inferior to every female that she comes across, despite that fact that Edward has shown no interest in any other woman, is marrying her, and is clearly asexual. (OK, that last one's all me, but I stand by it!)
After she becomes pregnant, and keep in mind that this is my personal opinion, but I kind of feel like she's actually lost her mind. Throughout Jacob's part, all I can see whenever he describes Bella is a beat-up, crazy lady who's protectively clutching the mutant monster in her belly. It's just...endlessly creepy. This is from the girl who has shown no affectionate, maternal instincts thus far in the series. But then, she gets knocked up, and suddenly her whole world has changed. Jacob sees her stomach covered in purple and black bruises, and she replies with: '"He's strong, that's all," she said defensively.' Why, oh why, does that creep me out so much? Maybe it's because it's so similar to the attitude of defensive, abused women. Hiding the bruises and arguing that 'he doesn't mean it'. Ugh. Just when you thought Bella couldn't get any creepier. But that's her attitude when she's pregnant with the demon spawn. She becomes this weak, listless, irrational creature. She needs everyone to play nice with each other, and any problems are her fault. We, as readers, at least have the small mercy of reading this horror show through Jacob's eyes, without having to listen to Bella's insane rationalisation of everything that's happening. Oh my god, I just found this, look at this:
'[Jacob about the baby] "It's a killer, Bella. Look at yourself."
"It's not. It's me. I'm just weak and human...."-pg 177, Breaking Dawn
No. NOOOOOO!!! Someone, please, MAKE HER STOP! I can't even talk about this, it's so upsetting. That's it. I don't even need to cite any more examples. If this doesn't prove that Bella Swan is fucked up in the head, then I don't know what does. Excuse me for a moment while I rock back and forth gently in the corner until this icky feeling goes away.
OK, I'm back. And I've brought a glass of wine with me. You know, this wouldn't be half as upsetting if I didn't know that this is what Stephenie Meyer thinks is acceptable behaviour. And bad characterisation isn't even the worst of her problems in this area, it's also inconsistent characterisation (*cough* Jacob *cough). This, in my mind, is absolute proof of what a horrible author Stephenie Meyer actually is. She gives us a character, selfish and stupid as she may be, but with some solid opinions on what she wants. She doesn't want a big wedding or marriage, and she's never wanted a kid. She's not even the kind of person that's compatible with children. If Bella Swan offered to babysit any child of mine, I'd tell her to fuck off. But oh, wait, she's having the big wedding now, and guess what? She loves it! All that whining during Eclipse was completely pointless! Oh, and what's that? She's suddenly found herself pregnant with Edward's demon spawn? She MUST HAVE THIS BABY! Even if it's slowly killing her from the inside! It's 'not a choice-a necessity'. Well isn't that wonderfully convenient! You know, Bella's lucky that she has an author who is willing to change her entire outlook on life at the drop of a hat! (Just in case the sarcasm isn't coming through, what I'm trying to say is: STEPHENIE MEYER, YOU ARE CRAP!!!)
My main problem with Breaking Dawn is that Bella gets everything she wants. She gets Edward. She gets to keep Jacob in her life. She becomes the ultimate sparkly vampire. The hostility between the Cullens and the wolves is solved. She gets a baby that she never even wanted in the first place, but has so that she can spend her immortal life without regrets like Rosalie. That baby is perfect, and grows at an accelerated rate, so she won't have to suffer through the terrible two's like the rest of us. And hey, since she's had a baby now, Rosalie loves her, so no problems there! She has a host of ready and willing babysitters that she can hand the child off to whenever she gets bored of the thing, or the urge to shag Edward once again becomes uncontrollable. She gets to keep Charlie in her life. She has the best vampire power. And the big battle at the end occurs and she doesn't lose anyone.
Absolutely everything that she could've gotten, she did. And she doesn't. Deserve. Any of it. She is an awful, awful, awful character, and she gets everything she wants as a vampire. All her problems are magically solved, through no struggle or sacrifice of her own. What is that? Doesn't Meyer believe in hard work or earning what you've got or anything? (No, the problem is that she's actually in love with her own fictional characters)
Every time I read about Bella being ecstatically happy as a vampire, I just want to punch her in the face. It's just wrong. Oh, and you know what else specifically bugged me? There's all this crap about how Bella hates expensive, excessive things, right? I'm sure that Stephenie Meyer intended to portray her as a humble person, so as to make her more likable for the readers. But she gets expensive, excessive things anyway. They are lavished upon her by her stinking rich boyfriend and his stinking rich family. She goes to a private island for her honeymoon. She gets a cottage as a wedding gift. She gets a Mercedes as her 'before' car, and a fucking Ferrari as her 'after'. And yes, she moans and grumbles as a human, but she never puts up an actual fight. She just takes these things and whines about it. And then, when she becomes a vampire, what happens? Is it just me, or does that pretty much disappear? Suddenly, she's letting Alice dress her is ridiculous, expensive clothing (and I'm saying it's ridiculous, not because of the cost of the clothing, but because of where she wears it and what she does wearing it. A blue, silk cocktail dress for her first hunt? Fucking stilettos? Oh god, just shoot her and Alice in the head), and driving around in a Ferrari. Oh, and what was that line when she's packing enough money for Renesmee and Jacob to make their escape?
'Then I raided their petty cash, taking about twice the yearly income for the average American household.'-pg 624, Breaking Dawn
...you priveleged piece of shit. Die. Die in a fire.
You know what, I sincerely hope that Renesmee grows up as psychologically damaged and twisted as I imagine she will, and Bella will have to suffer through that mistake for the rest of her life. Just suffer!!!
Oh my god, I almost forgot about the best bit of Breaking Dawn: Bella is a nympho. That's it. That's the end of it. You know, in Eclipse, I didn't always agree with Bella's actions, but I had to give her credit for being the sexual aggressor in the relationship. She was the one to push forward, while virginal Edward wants to kiss chastely and hold hands. That part I could understand. But in Breaking Dawn that all gets blown out of the water. Bella is desperate for two things: to become a pretty, sparkly vampire and sex. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex with Edward, sex, sex, sex with Edward some more, sex (I'm imagining that this is basically her thought process). Here's the passage that made me laugh out loud:
'"I really do want a little more time being human." I leaned over to run my hand across his bare chest. "I have not had enough."
He gave me a dubious look. "For this?" he asked, catching my hand as it moved down his stomach. "Sex was the key all along?"'-pg 101, Breaking Dawn
There it is. After three fucking books, filled to the brim with Bella's whining to change her into a vampire as soon as possible, she's decided that it can wait for a bit because...now she has the sex! After giving Edward all those good, solid reasons why he should do it-it's too dangerous, there's always someone trying to kill me, etc-all those reasons suddenly don't matter. Because she's getting shagged. Oh and look! She suddenly wants to go to college and get a higher education! That's fantastic...oh, wait. It's only because she's getting Edward's sparkle penis. Never mind. (I hate everything else about the book, but I LOVE this. Excuse me while I go and laugh my head off...)
Back again! Well, that's the big things covered, I think. Just four minor niggles:
1. Bella defending her decision to keep her death baby: "I don't know yet, Jake. But I just...feel...that this is all going somewhere good, hard as it is to see now. I guess you could call it faith."-pg 174, Breaking Dawn
Uhhh, no. No. You should call it the delusions of a mad woman, who is making yet another ridiculous decision, and is now grasping at anything to try and justify it. You have no conception of faith, in any form, whatsoever. Shut up, Bella Swan. And don't use that word again.
2. She intends to call the baby, if it's a boy, EJ. As in Edward Jacob. As in the father of the child, and the best friend who wanted to shag the mother of the child. As in a constant reminder to her husband, who she loves so much, of his rival. Brilliant. Nope, nope, she's definitely completely mad. Unless someone can come up with a feasible reason on why she might do that.
3. '"It wasn't a pretense, Edward. I don't spend my free time plotting like some people do. What can we do to wear Bella out today?" I said in a poor impression of his voice.'-pg 101, Breaking Dawn
No, Bella. No. Why are you making a joke out of this? You were aware that he was purposefully wearing you out and now you're making a...oh, forget it.
4. Bella's transformation. Bella Swan got bit by James in Twilight and screamed like a stuck pig. She was in unbelievable agony, writhing around on the floor, and that was only for a few minutes. But in Breaking Dawn, she gets pumped full of venom, after her body has been mangled by her child, and...what? Where's the agony? Where's the screaming? Oh no, the noble and caring Bella Swan is able to hold back her screams and her pain, so that she doesn't hurt her precious Edward's feelings. Bullcrap, I say! BULLCRAP! And she's counting up to over 10,000 using Edward's breaths? WHAT? She's still able to do mental arithmetic while she's in pain? Shut up, Stephenie Meyer. You are an idiot, and you make no sense.
Aaaaaaaaaand, I think I'm done! Phew! Who knew I could hate so much about the main character in a novel? I certainly didn't! I don't know if I'll go through the second half of Eclipse. I don't want to, because it's so painful, but it does contain most of the Bella!fuckery in the series. Hmmmm...only time will tell. For now, join me in my possibly-fake relief that I'm done with Bella Swan! YAY!!! Next I'm tackling Edward Cullen! BOO!!!