morning musings
Instead of spending days' time in an emotionally depressed slump, I now spend hours.
And having said this pseudo-publicly, watch as I descend into weeks' worth of depressed emo-filled angst. *G*
Argh.
I feel like I should apologize for my post yesterday, and yet not. "Not" because it was my true feelings that I felt like sharing with the world. At least the net-world. My flist. And I 'do' because I should have known it would slip away into something better sooner or later and all I had to do was ride it out. And yet I succumbed and posted.
Today, I'm doing necessary housework and then polishing up my hd_365 story/post. I'm hoping to have it posted within the hours of thursday, that is: by midnight. That's hoping.
I realized I hate shopping because of the masses of people crowding around me, their energies sparking off their bodies in their attempt to navigate the sales and the silently screaming non-sensical purchases that want to accompany them home, only to sit around doing nothing, because it was not really needed. I dislike hearing babies/children crying and parents screaming, or talking disrespectfully to their children. I hate seeing children dragged behind scowling parents, children's faces streaked with tears, crying out just to be heard like the human being they are. It's a crowded mess of disruptive emotions and it drags me down so low. So, when I go shopping alone, I bring my mp3 player along and it helps to drown out the chaos. People might find it insulting because I cannot hear them if they call out to me... because I ensconce myself in my own world instead of being available.
And yet there are days when I can smile at most anybody and talk to most anybody and it's all fine. I don't feel the beginning edges of panic making my skin crawl and wanting to just either run away and curl myself in a ball right there in the middle of the aisle. Sometimes it's okay, and sometimes it's not.
I look around myself and I realize I need the same kind of control in my home, and it's not there. Everything's all over the place, all silently screaming at me to deal with it--the papers on the floor, the pink-and-black striped tights on the computer desk, the empty wrapper of Twizzlers, the photographs, the useless phone on the floor, the basket of power adapters, the pizza box pieces, the pizza crusts, the pile of clothes that needs to be put in a bag and given to an agency, the sleeping bag on the couch used as a blanket, the swap of computer desks so Billie can have a desk for her computer, the decluttering of the piano so I can play it again, the useless scanner that needs to go into the garbage, the garbage bin that needs emptying.
It's all there, clamouring for my attention and I try and hide myself on the net, averting my eyes and trying to drown myself in something else.
But I can't, because it's always there. I haven't developed blinders enough to push it away so I can't fully submerge myself in anything else until it's dealt with. And yet it overwhelms me because of the seeming magnatude of the situation--all those tiny things that become this HUGE obstacle. I know in my head that it'll take fifteen minutes to clear away and sort out.
...I didn't want to go back into that emo place again. *g*
So now, bit by bit, I'm going to deal with it.
That's what the anti-depressant is doing for me: allowing me a much smaller window of angst before ejecting me out of it and letting me deal with things sooner. I still fall, but I get up quicker.
I'm a step closer to understanding things now.
And having said this pseudo-publicly, watch as I descend into weeks' worth of depressed emo-filled angst. *G*
Argh.
I feel like I should apologize for my post yesterday, and yet not. "Not" because it was my true feelings that I felt like sharing with the world. At least the net-world. My flist. And I 'do' because I should have known it would slip away into something better sooner or later and all I had to do was ride it out. And yet I succumbed and posted.
Today, I'm doing necessary housework and then polishing up my hd_365 story/post. I'm hoping to have it posted within the hours of thursday, that is: by midnight. That's hoping.
I realized I hate shopping because of the masses of people crowding around me, their energies sparking off their bodies in their attempt to navigate the sales and the silently screaming non-sensical purchases that want to accompany them home, only to sit around doing nothing, because it was not really needed. I dislike hearing babies/children crying and parents screaming, or talking disrespectfully to their children. I hate seeing children dragged behind scowling parents, children's faces streaked with tears, crying out just to be heard like the human being they are. It's a crowded mess of disruptive emotions and it drags me down so low. So, when I go shopping alone, I bring my mp3 player along and it helps to drown out the chaos. People might find it insulting because I cannot hear them if they call out to me... because I ensconce myself in my own world instead of being available.
And yet there are days when I can smile at most anybody and talk to most anybody and it's all fine. I don't feel the beginning edges of panic making my skin crawl and wanting to just either run away and curl myself in a ball right there in the middle of the aisle. Sometimes it's okay, and sometimes it's not.
I look around myself and I realize I need the same kind of control in my home, and it's not there. Everything's all over the place, all silently screaming at me to deal with it--the papers on the floor, the pink-and-black striped tights on the computer desk, the empty wrapper of Twizzlers, the photographs, the useless phone on the floor, the basket of power adapters, the pizza box pieces, the pizza crusts, the pile of clothes that needs to be put in a bag and given to an agency, the sleeping bag on the couch used as a blanket, the swap of computer desks so Billie can have a desk for her computer, the decluttering of the piano so I can play it again, the useless scanner that needs to go into the garbage, the garbage bin that needs emptying.
It's all there, clamouring for my attention and I try and hide myself on the net, averting my eyes and trying to drown myself in something else.
But I can't, because it's always there. I haven't developed blinders enough to push it away so I can't fully submerge myself in anything else until it's dealt with. And yet it overwhelms me because of the seeming magnatude of the situation--all those tiny things that become this HUGE obstacle. I know in my head that it'll take fifteen minutes to clear away and sort out.
...I didn't want to go back into that emo place again. *g*
So now, bit by bit, I'm going to deal with it.
That's what the anti-depressant is doing for me: allowing me a much smaller window of angst before ejecting me out of it and letting me deal with things sooner. I still fall, but I get up quicker.
I'm a step closer to understanding things now.