dont do me like that
ohhhh, dont do me like that. haha, tom petty and the heartbreakers. wow, guilty pleasure.
ahhhh, so laura read some stuff i wrote about her on od and i was like eeehhhhhh. because i was half hoping she'd read it, and half convincing myself that she never goes on od anymore, so it doesnt matter. i dont know what to do about all that. i love her a lot....like could i have a better friend in her? i like myself around her, i like who i am with her. but sometimes i feel put to the side, shafted. like shes purposely not picking up the phone cause the caller id says its me. shes friends with like.....chris and matt and john. which is ok, but i dont feel comfortable around them, and i doubt i ever will, its just how it worked out, and i dont care enough to change it. its kind of a result of social hierarchy, and i just dont even want to care about it, or make myself go through caring. but laura...sometimes i feel like im losing her, but on the other hand maybe thats my own insecurity and inability to cope with confidence issues. the thing is though, i feel pretty damn good about myself right now. for once, im in a happy place, and i dont care the right amount, and i do care the right amount.
there are other factors right now too, that i think are affecting me more than i realized. my mom was pretty severely depressed...and shes coming out of it, but its incomprehensible to know what its like to live with that, and not be dragged down. it like...makes you need to go smoke an extreme amount of pot. but we talked tonight, and maybe i got across the message that i want to ask how her day went without her biting my head off and making me feel inconsiderate for inquiring.
but back to laura....i hate being taken for granted, and i hate always being the one to call, and i hate feeling shunned(but at the same time i hate feeling hounded). and laura has always created this huge swirl or i love being with her, and talking to her, i love who i am around her, and what she brings out in me, but at the same time i feel like im obnoxious, or not cool enough, or like im committing some faux pas thats embarrassing her. i dont know. i just dont fucking know, and ive been down this road so many times that i just cant see straight any more.
my mamma wants me to see a therapist. not like once randomly like before, but consistently until i get some shit sorted out. i dont know. maybe its a good idea. hmmmmm.
ahhhh, so laura read some stuff i wrote about her on od and i was like eeehhhhhh. because i was half hoping she'd read it, and half convincing myself that she never goes on od anymore, so it doesnt matter. i dont know what to do about all that. i love her a lot....like could i have a better friend in her? i like myself around her, i like who i am with her. but sometimes i feel put to the side, shafted. like shes purposely not picking up the phone cause the caller id says its me. shes friends with like.....chris and matt and john. which is ok, but i dont feel comfortable around them, and i doubt i ever will, its just how it worked out, and i dont care enough to change it. its kind of a result of social hierarchy, and i just dont even want to care about it, or make myself go through caring. but laura...sometimes i feel like im losing her, but on the other hand maybe thats my own insecurity and inability to cope with confidence issues. the thing is though, i feel pretty damn good about myself right now. for once, im in a happy place, and i dont care the right amount, and i do care the right amount.
there are other factors right now too, that i think are affecting me more than i realized. my mom was pretty severely depressed...and shes coming out of it, but its incomprehensible to know what its like to live with that, and not be dragged down. it like...makes you need to go smoke an extreme amount of pot. but we talked tonight, and maybe i got across the message that i want to ask how her day went without her biting my head off and making me feel inconsiderate for inquiring.
but back to laura....i hate being taken for granted, and i hate always being the one to call, and i hate feeling shunned(but at the same time i hate feeling hounded). and laura has always created this huge swirl or i love being with her, and talking to her, i love who i am around her, and what she brings out in me, but at the same time i feel like im obnoxious, or not cool enough, or like im committing some faux pas thats embarrassing her. i dont know. i just dont fucking know, and ive been down this road so many times that i just cant see straight any more.
my mamma wants me to see a therapist. not like once randomly like before, but consistently until i get some shit sorted out. i dont know. maybe its a good idea. hmmmmm.