Random Shit
Though I speak with tongues of angels,
Though my voice is touched with gold,
Without love each word is discord,
clanging brass and cymbals bold.
Though I know as much as prophets,
Though my faith is strong and sure,
Without love these are as nothing,
Neither words not work endure.
Though I give my goods to others,
And my flesh I give to burn,
Without love each gift is worthless,
till the gift of love I learn.
Love is always kind and patient,
Neither jealous, boastful, rude;
Neither sellfish nor conceited,
but with every grace inbued.
Love releases all resentment,
Takes no pleasure in the wrong;
Love finds truth delightful always
And endures what comes along.
Though not easily offended,
Love is eager to forgive,
Always trusting, always hoping,
Precious love will always live!
In a world that is imperfect,
Many gifts will pass away;
Faith and hope and love are endless;
These, and these a lone will stay.
To a world where all is changing
Comes this Promise from above:
Faith and hope will last forever,
But the greatest gift is love.
Faith and hope will last forever,
But the greatest gift is love.
Okay, I admit it, its religious song, but I love the message ... I like how it talks about love, and how true the message is.
Now for all the bad stuff ....
... you've been warned, so don't read on if you don't wanna, and don't complain if you do read and don't like what you see.
Things are tough around here. The past two years my parents have been trying to get me to be independent and keep talking about how they want me to be on my own and stand on my own two feet, now they're trying to spend more time with me and want to spend time with me and my boyfriend (the wonderful Kristopher) and want me to be around all the time. One minute they're trying to send me off, the next minute they're trying to keep me here. Its totally confusing. Okay so maybe you don't think so, but it confuses the hell outta me.
Next example of why I'm confused and feeling semi-sad. I am invisible. I say things and not only does no one hear, but they then talk over me like I don't exist at all. Then theres times I swear people are looking at me, but they don't acknowledge me. It's like they're looking right through me. I'm not heard, I'm not seen. I'm not seen in any way. People don't even see me when I type things. I guess that counts as not seeing, but its also kind of not hearing. If something happened to me, there would be any empty space, but how is that different from normal? They look right htrought me anyways. I wouldn't be missed. How can you miss something that isn't even there?
I don't even know why I bother writing in this. This is invisible too. Coments are ivisible, entries are invisible. Whats it matter?
I'm excited about Oneonta, but I'm really, kinda scared. SCCC is totally like high school, it has all the drama and shit that goes along with it, and I'm kinda okay with that cuz its comfortable and things didn't change much between high school and S-Mad C's and now I'm actually going away, living in dorms. Its a huge change and I HATE change ... it's one of the things that totally freaks me out.
I spend my money on small things that will make me happy, distractions from the real world. Charmed DVDs, miscellaneous books ... some other stuff. I also buy presents and try and do nice things for Kris and my family ... and then I get mad at myself for spending my money becasue I need it. I'm not mad about the spending money on other people (especially since I feel like its something small I can I give back to those people I know I drive nuts) but I still get mad I don't have any. Maybe my parents financial problem is part of why I get so mad about it. They are supposed to be able to support me and care for me and they can't. Things are so tight they can't always provide for us the way they should be able to. Its frustrating for all of us, but especially for me cuz I need money for food at school and gas for my car, and my paychecks are so small there's no way I can buy all the things I need to and get everything I need. It sucks.
I'm not going to be doing music anymore...I almost feel like I don't have to pay attention or go to school for the rest of the semeseter. I'm going to go and I'm still working my ass off ... the Associates degree will come in handy eventually, especially if i decide to get back into music ed. I hate how confused I am. I hate how confusing this time is.
Happier news now....
... I am still madly in love with Kris ... 22 months last Saturday and everything is still AMAZING!!! Its great to have him by my side knowing that he's going to be standing with me though all of this. Its really comforting to have hime there and to know that
I don't have to be going through all this myself. He'll be there with me every step of the way and I am truely grateful. I only hope someday down the road in our lives together I can repay the favor ... although love isn't about that, I just want him to realize how really and truely greatful I am to have him in my life and how much he means to me. I'm scared about going away and what will happen to us, but with faith in eachother and in our realationship ... and how much we want to make this work, I know we can make it work. I am REALLY looking forward to spending everyday of the rest of my life with this man. It may be phone calls and the ocassional seeing eachother for a couple years, but eventually ... every night we will fall asleep in eachothers arms and every day we will wake up and face the days challenges together ... never to have to handle anything alone again ... and I honestly can't wait for that day. I love him with all my heart. He mans the world to me. I'd be lost without him