(no subject)
My life has largely become one where I read, write, attend meetings and classes, teach class, and look forward to my breaks so that I can do more reading. My little spare time is often spent playing table tennis with a couple of friends in my program. I enjoy this all a great deal and sometimes look back and wish that I had immersed myself in this amount of reading and research much earlier. It makes me realize how much more introverted I have become since coming to Colorado. While I have always been academically oriented, I also have been fairly persuadable to choose socializing over work. This doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. I received a phone call on Thursday asking me to go to the bar with some people and I considered it, but was quickly enthralled by a succession of great chapters in The Birth and Death of Meaning and before I knew it, it was 11:30. It was a full two hours after the invited bar trip was scheduled to begin. I ended up going for a bit, but my mind was still focused on getting back to my reading. The next two days I received similar invitations and declined both in favor of curling up at my place wearing my fleece sweats, reading articles and finishing my book while listening to soothing sounds of Brahms and Frederic Chopin. And I enjoy it. It makes me feel productive and knowledgeable. Even powerful.
However, in recent months I have found it somewhat difficult to connect with some people in places that I used to call home. My life is my work right now and a phone call from a great buddy of mine helped to affirm my prior suspicion. He’s in a graduate program, too, and is also facing similar issues with connecting to people who do not truly understand what he’s going through. While he and I are in different types of programs conducting different types of research, we are able to connect because it is a similar overall experience. Lots of work, reading, and oddly enough, seldom watching old episodes of Law & Order on DVD, with little “life”, as it is more commonly understood. It was great speaking with him, as per usual, but it evoked thoughts of how I have lost touch with some people and struggled with some others. We just get into such a groove of studying and learning and discussing abstruse ideas that most people don’t care about that we lose touch. I lost touch.
I am happy and am doing largely what I want to do. I don’t really know what course of action to take in dealing with these ‘disjointed connections.’ I tend to operate under the belief that people will be around regardless, and this has been my experience thus far, but one person, in particular, has been questioning me and I don’t really know how to respond. She has caused me pain before and continues to do so. I’ve attempted to explain myself, but she has persisted. It’s not that I want to lose touch with her, but more that I need to regain control over my feelings of the past with her. I don’t know what to do.
After speaking to my friend, I popped in a 50 First Dates, and had my dinner. It got me thinking about significant others. I often think it’d be nice to have someone special around. Someone to see plays and orchestras with. Someone to go hiking and snowboarding with. Someone to surprise. Someone to hold. Someone to share life with. It could be nice. But maybe not. Maybe I don’t have time for her. I suspect I will just not think of it unless the occasion arises… which is unlikely considering the no-dating-others-in-the-program policy and the few available people with which I interact on any regular basis. Somewhat related is the fact that I will likely be 30 or so by the time I finish school. That is such an incredible thing to think about. I’m still somewhat young… but I’m now older than most of the people I play basketball with. I’m now teaching classes I used to enroll in. It kind of evokes that notion of ‘the clock is ticking’ and is strange to ponder. Really strange.
Ah. ‘Tis life.
However, in recent months I have found it somewhat difficult to connect with some people in places that I used to call home. My life is my work right now and a phone call from a great buddy of mine helped to affirm my prior suspicion. He’s in a graduate program, too, and is also facing similar issues with connecting to people who do not truly understand what he’s going through. While he and I are in different types of programs conducting different types of research, we are able to connect because it is a similar overall experience. Lots of work, reading, and oddly enough, seldom watching old episodes of Law & Order on DVD, with little “life”, as it is more commonly understood. It was great speaking with him, as per usual, but it evoked thoughts of how I have lost touch with some people and struggled with some others. We just get into such a groove of studying and learning and discussing abstruse ideas that most people don’t care about that we lose touch. I lost touch.
I am happy and am doing largely what I want to do. I don’t really know what course of action to take in dealing with these ‘disjointed connections.’ I tend to operate under the belief that people will be around regardless, and this has been my experience thus far, but one person, in particular, has been questioning me and I don’t really know how to respond. She has caused me pain before and continues to do so. I’ve attempted to explain myself, but she has persisted. It’s not that I want to lose touch with her, but more that I need to regain control over my feelings of the past with her. I don’t know what to do.
After speaking to my friend, I popped in a 50 First Dates, and had my dinner. It got me thinking about significant others. I often think it’d be nice to have someone special around. Someone to see plays and orchestras with. Someone to go hiking and snowboarding with. Someone to surprise. Someone to hold. Someone to share life with. It could be nice. But maybe not. Maybe I don’t have time for her. I suspect I will just not think of it unless the occasion arises… which is unlikely considering the no-dating-others-in-the-program policy and the few available people with which I interact on any regular basis. Somewhat related is the fact that I will likely be 30 or so by the time I finish school. That is such an incredible thing to think about. I’m still somewhat young… but I’m now older than most of the people I play basketball with. I’m now teaching classes I used to enroll in. It kind of evokes that notion of ‘the clock is ticking’ and is strange to ponder. Really strange.
Ah. ‘Tis life.