whew
this is painful...
i'm a mess
my life is sooo screwed up
i don't know what to think
i don't know myself
this is taking over my life
i'm so tired
i hate counting
i want to just eat and eat
and i do and i HATE it
and i want to fast
but i can't
and people just don't get how painful it is to walk around day by day and feel the FAT
and see my ugly reflection
and even i don't know how to live with myself
and i'm so confused....
i HATE MYSELF
i'm so fat
and today i had 1000 cals!!!!!!1
CRAP
my limit is 800
200 cals over
i did burn 200 cals on the elliptical, but i don't subtract those from my total cals
i'm so frustrated
i want to look good for the play that i'm in
my friends just don't get it
and they are all just perfect with their own little lives
and i just stay here, forgotten
and if i go to lunch, where all my friends eat for some socialization, they all gang up on my on why i don't eat
and i can't deal with that pressure
i'm already having doubts.
=(
and i feel like the walls are closing in
i NEED to get to 115
i HAVE TO
otherwise... i'll just have to give up until college
but i don't think that i could ever give this up
altho it is a all consuming fire that controls my every minute of my life
i live a lie to my parents, to my friends, and to myself and most importantly to God
i want to be THIN
i want to SEE BONES
and i can't live with myself
my friends don't get it
why can't they leave me alone???
except the sad part is... most of them do. they ignore me. i'm not worth their time
i'm not interesting enough to talk with them
they just move on
and i'm losing relationships... sorta
cause i exercise in all my study halls is possible
and i can't really talk with people
and i sorta want people to care
but i sorta don't
i know this isn't the perfect way, eating less than 50% of the cals the body usually needs
but it's the only way that works
cause my metabolism is so slowwwwwww
and i'm tired of this life
i want to be skinny, happy with myself, and ACTUALLY BE GOOD AT SOMETHING
i feel worthless
and i need to step up my game
and get to my goal weight
and stop this, so i can not live in fear of being discovered.
i wish God could help me, but he seems to be leaving me alone to figure it out for myself, and i really wish that i could get over this
i feel like my soul is being corroded
eaten up (haha pun)
by this life
but it's the only way
i have to do this
i am strong
i can do this?
it's the right thing?
once i get to 115 i'll stop?
do i really need to do this?
when will my parents find out?
i need to keep strong
i need to focus
i need to exercise
i need to get my act together
i need to get thinspo
i need to control this
i can be in control
wow this is long.. =P
i'm sorry my life is such a mess
i'm a mess
my life is sooo screwed up
i don't know what to think
i don't know myself
this is taking over my life
i'm so tired
i hate counting
i want to just eat and eat
and i do and i HATE it
and i want to fast
but i can't
and people just don't get how painful it is to walk around day by day and feel the FAT
and see my ugly reflection
and even i don't know how to live with myself
and i'm so confused....
i HATE MYSELF
i'm so fat
and today i had 1000 cals!!!!!!1
CRAP
my limit is 800
200 cals over
i did burn 200 cals on the elliptical, but i don't subtract those from my total cals
i'm so frustrated
i want to look good for the play that i'm in
my friends just don't get it
and they are all just perfect with their own little lives
and i just stay here, forgotten
and if i go to lunch, where all my friends eat for some socialization, they all gang up on my on why i don't eat
and i can't deal with that pressure
i'm already having doubts.
=(
and i feel like the walls are closing in
i NEED to get to 115
i HAVE TO
otherwise... i'll just have to give up until college
but i don't think that i could ever give this up
altho it is a all consuming fire that controls my every minute of my life
i live a lie to my parents, to my friends, and to myself and most importantly to God
i want to be THIN
i want to SEE BONES
and i can't live with myself
my friends don't get it
why can't they leave me alone???
except the sad part is... most of them do. they ignore me. i'm not worth their time
i'm not interesting enough to talk with them
they just move on
and i'm losing relationships... sorta
cause i exercise in all my study halls is possible
and i can't really talk with people
and i sorta want people to care
but i sorta don't
i know this isn't the perfect way, eating less than 50% of the cals the body usually needs
but it's the only way that works
cause my metabolism is so slowwwwwww
and i'm tired of this life
i want to be skinny, happy with myself, and ACTUALLY BE GOOD AT SOMETHING
i feel worthless
and i need to step up my game
and get to my goal weight
and stop this, so i can not live in fear of being discovered.
i wish God could help me, but he seems to be leaving me alone to figure it out for myself, and i really wish that i could get over this
i feel like my soul is being corroded
eaten up (haha pun)
by this life
but it's the only way
i have to do this
i am strong
i can do this?
it's the right thing?
once i get to 115 i'll stop?
do i really need to do this?
when will my parents find out?
i need to keep strong
i need to focus
i need to exercise
i need to get my act together
i need to get thinspo
i need to control this
i can be in control
wow this is long.. =P
i'm sorry my life is such a mess