Again
I want to cry.
But I can't.
I want to purge.
But I can't.
I don't want to be alone.
But no one wants to stick around with me.
I like human contact - and talking counts as that.
But people don't have the time to deal with me.
Not the people that I want to care, anyways.
People have their own problems, I understand that.
But sometimes I'd like to vent,
with someone there to understand and respond to what I have to say.
And I'm not talking about boyfriends, either.
I'm talking PEOPLE.
Genuinely good people.
I have my therapist but I don't see her until the 23rd.
What am I to do until then?
Suffer, like I'm suppose to.
I deserve every bit of insult, pain, and obstacle that's thrown at me.
I deserve to cry my heart out at night.
To purge my feelings.
To cause myself daily pain.
I deserve more pain than I have already.
If I deserve anything at all it's pain.
Sometimes nights are the hardest for me.
It's that time when everyone in my family is in separate rooms.
When no one really wants to talk to each other.
We give it our best but...
I don't know.
It's also when I'm away from my friends.
My best friends.
I worry about them when I'm not with them,
as if I can't watch them.
I take things the wrong way, sometimes.
More like, all the time.
I don't mean to.
It's just how I think - and as we know from my previous post, I can't even think correctly.
I'm so depressed and flustered right now.
I have so much to say that none of this is making sense.
Basically I feel like bursting into tears for a few good hours,
then fall asleep in my bed and never wake up again.
That way, no one could judge me,
hurt me,
correct me,
insult me,
use me,
abuse me,
neglect me,
and no one would have to deal with the hassle that is my name.
i don't believe in god.
But sometimes I pray to whatever is out there,
that I would die some how.
But I can't.
I want to purge.
But I can't.
I don't want to be alone.
But no one wants to stick around with me.
I like human contact - and talking counts as that.
But people don't have the time to deal with me.
Not the people that I want to care, anyways.
People have their own problems, I understand that.
But sometimes I'd like to vent,
with someone there to understand and respond to what I have to say.
And I'm not talking about boyfriends, either.
I'm talking PEOPLE.
Genuinely good people.
I have my therapist but I don't see her until the 23rd.
What am I to do until then?
Suffer, like I'm suppose to.
I deserve every bit of insult, pain, and obstacle that's thrown at me.
I deserve to cry my heart out at night.
To purge my feelings.
To cause myself daily pain.
I deserve more pain than I have already.
If I deserve anything at all it's pain.
Sometimes nights are the hardest for me.
It's that time when everyone in my family is in separate rooms.
When no one really wants to talk to each other.
We give it our best but...
I don't know.
It's also when I'm away from my friends.
My best friends.
I worry about them when I'm not with them,
as if I can't watch them.
I take things the wrong way, sometimes.
More like, all the time.
I don't mean to.
It's just how I think - and as we know from my previous post, I can't even think correctly.
I'm so depressed and flustered right now.
I have so much to say that none of this is making sense.
Basically I feel like bursting into tears for a few good hours,
then fall asleep in my bed and never wake up again.
That way, no one could judge me,
hurt me,
correct me,
insult me,
use me,
abuse me,
neglect me,
and no one would have to deal with the hassle that is my name.
i don't believe in god.
But sometimes I pray to whatever is out there,
that I would die some how.