oh boy
I'm tired of restricting myself because of self-imposed insecurities. Honestly, I shouldn't become my own worst enemy. I don't like being trapped in my own head lately. I have no idea why but as of late I've really been contemplating the rest of my life and death. No, I'm not suicidal or anything. I have just come to realize I am way too incredibly scared of the unknown. This shouldn't be hindering me, yet it is.
The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. Mark and I have been fighting a bit, but we've got that resolved now. I really do love him and I don't care if people judge me for "jumping the gun" but I can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him. The 16th is our one year anniversary. I was always so afraid that he had liked me for so long and idealized me that once the day came that he saw my shortcomings that it would be the end. Maybe that was why I was so hesitant to date him. It's amazing what you can discover about yourself if you don't let fear grab you by the arm and lead you down the wrong path.
For the longest time now I have felt like I wasn't good enough. I'm not smart enough, or motivated enough. There is always that one person in school who brings me down. Work has become my own personal hell. I always perceived myself as a pretty decent employee, yet my managers treat me like I'm incompetent. I try really hard when I'm there, I just wish they could see that. Once again fear is clamping on to me. I would love to go get a new job doing something I enjoy or even something that pays me more. Yet I have become so accustomed to the people and the rotation of things at Bashas' that I can't leave.
It's crazy to think that this time a year ago I was at the Globe Theatre in England. I was afraid to be so far from my family, but I faced my fears and came out with one of the best experiences in my life. Why can't I do that again? I guess I'll start trying harder.
{i miss London, June 2006}
The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. Mark and I have been fighting a bit, but we've got that resolved now. I really do love him and I don't care if people judge me for "jumping the gun" but I can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him. The 16th is our one year anniversary. I was always so afraid that he had liked me for so long and idealized me that once the day came that he saw my shortcomings that it would be the end. Maybe that was why I was so hesitant to date him. It's amazing what you can discover about yourself if you don't let fear grab you by the arm and lead you down the wrong path.
For the longest time now I have felt like I wasn't good enough. I'm not smart enough, or motivated enough. There is always that one person in school who brings me down. Work has become my own personal hell. I always perceived myself as a pretty decent employee, yet my managers treat me like I'm incompetent. I try really hard when I'm there, I just wish they could see that. Once again fear is clamping on to me. I would love to go get a new job doing something I enjoy or even something that pays me more. Yet I have become so accustomed to the people and the rotation of things at Bashas' that I can't leave.
It's crazy to think that this time a year ago I was at the Globe Theatre in England. I was afraid to be so far from my family, but I faced my fears and came out with one of the best experiences in my life. Why can't I do that again? I guess I'll start trying harder.
{i miss London, June 2006}