on anger
As of late, I haven't wanted to write. I haven't wanted to draw. And I think I've figured out why.
How did I figure this out? By observing the music I've been listening to. And since I don't know who is an arrow-shooter and who isn't, I'll explain.
See, as of late I've been really enjoying rough and intense music -- Tool (the new album is wonderful), Godsmack, Fluke, my training supervisor's band CHANT (a little angry drumming never hurt anyone), Nickelback, Union Underground, $OTHERS. I used to listen to this sort of thing when I was in my "angry young man" phase. I got out of it for a while; I don't remember exactly when. And now I'm listening to it again. Loudly.
Not that this is inherently a bad thing ... but it does seem to be indicative of what's going on inside of me. I'm angry at my situation, at myself, at my lack of Tribe, at my loneliness, at my physical body (which I don't like right now), at my wife Gina. A long time ago I learned that Anger Is Not Cool ... and man, can I ever get angry. When I get angry, shit explodes. People die. Grown men cower in fear.
Well, maybe not so much. I mean, I'm really a pretty mellow, laid back, tolerant person. But I can still get pretty angry. And it can be a pretty scary thing. So I've learned to stuff that anger inside. And whereas I really am a mellow person (really really), this anger is starting to leak out.
I don't like it. I don't like not-writing; I don't like not-drawing; I don't like being all passive-aggressive toward the people around me.
A corollary to the whole not-creative thing is that I don't want what I create to be depressing and angst. I don't want it to be filled with hate and anger. A long time ago I observed that there were already enough such works in the world, and I decided that if I couldn't create something better, then I just wouldn't do it.
Well, I've taken that to something of an extreme. Not good, huh? I've wondered where my passion has gone -- and it's still there, but I'm just passionate about different things.
Any of you have any thoughts on the matter?
How did I figure this out? By observing the music I've been listening to. And since I don't know who is an arrow-shooter and who isn't, I'll explain.
See, as of late I've been really enjoying rough and intense music -- Tool (the new album is wonderful), Godsmack, Fluke, my training supervisor's band CHANT (a little angry drumming never hurt anyone), Nickelback, Union Underground, $OTHERS. I used to listen to this sort of thing when I was in my "angry young man" phase. I got out of it for a while; I don't remember exactly when. And now I'm listening to it again. Loudly.
Not that this is inherently a bad thing ... but it does seem to be indicative of what's going on inside of me. I'm angry at my situation, at myself, at my lack of Tribe, at my loneliness, at my physical body (which I don't like right now), at my wife Gina. A long time ago I learned that Anger Is Not Cool ... and man, can I ever get angry. When I get angry, shit explodes. People die. Grown men cower in fear.
Well, maybe not so much. I mean, I'm really a pretty mellow, laid back, tolerant person. But I can still get pretty angry. And it can be a pretty scary thing. So I've learned to stuff that anger inside. And whereas I really am a mellow person (really really), this anger is starting to leak out.
I don't like it. I don't like not-writing; I don't like not-drawing; I don't like being all passive-aggressive toward the people around me.
A corollary to the whole not-creative thing is that I don't want what I create to be depressing and angst. I don't want it to be filled with hate and anger. A long time ago I observed that there were already enough such works in the world, and I decided that if I couldn't create something better, then I just wouldn't do it.
Well, I've taken that to something of an extreme. Not good, huh? I've wondered where my passion has gone -- and it's still there, but I'm just passionate about different things.
Any of you have any thoughts on the matter?