everybody's mother? it's like being the perpetual friend...
You are a two-winged Guardian Angel!
Wandering the realms of the mortals you often bear
the form of a mere human. It is your task to
guard your charge against the perils of the
shadows. You are good-natured and friendly,
trusted by everyone, helpful and kind. But
when in danger you show a fierce protective
side that often surprises your adversarys.
What kind of supernatural being are you?
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i think sometimes i wish i could be that. like with cara and the things she's dealing with right now. and especially with rory. if i could be a comfort to him it would be an honor and a priviledge. he just doesn't see enough of the good in himself. when i tried to tell him the things that a good friend asked me to tell him (about rory being one of the best men he knows, and how this guy sees rory and wants to be a better man because of it, that kind of stuff - and this is someone other than liam who thinks this way) rory just said he's trying to be the kind of man his father is, and doesn't feel that he can live up to his pop's example.
he feels he's not as good a man, and that all people are seeing is him trying to be good. under normal circumstances, i would have hugged or held or kissed the person i was having this kind of discussion with - just to make sure they stay connected to being human and knowing that people care about him/her. however, rory asked that i just be a friend, and now i feel uncomfortable with the ways i usually act around my close friends, because i am very touchy. knee, shoulder, tap on the arm, just sitting close, whatever. my concern is that he'll interpret it as me not respecting his wishes, and i don't want to drive him away. he's far enough away already. despite the fact that i can't be with him now, the desire it to wait for a while and see what happens.
the funny/ironic thing about just wanting him and no other, is that all of the others seem to be coming out of the woodwork. on wednesday night i had two different men ask me to leave the bar with them. and not just for a moonlit stroll. i pretty much had the same thing happen with a fellow i met (friend of a friend) at the pub last night. but i don't want them, i want rory. sheesh.
it's just plain silly. i'm not the world's best looking woman, but i'm comfortable with myself, and don't have a problem with speaking the truth. if you ask a question, just be prepared for an honest answer, and don't get all weird if you didn't want the truth. if you don't want to know, don't ask. i have very few female friends, and in general am not interested in spending time with them. i just don't have the energy to be that stupid and petty and bitchy.
i'd rather just watch wwii movies with the guys, even if that means i'm just everyone's little sister, as opposed to being a girl they might like. it means that i know i'm safe with them, and they look after me, and they know they can talk to me about their girl problems and they'll get honest advice. i guess i'd rather have this extended family as a constant in my life than lose them because of stupid romantic skirmishes, but at the same time, i question how likely it is that things are destined to end in disaster. now perhaps i'm biased because i just had brunch with garrett on sunday, and we talked about the rory situation. and i still e-mail the man i was with for most of college (he lives in slc, ut now), but these are the kind of men i'd like to be with - and to be honest with myself, rory is the man i want to be with.
and granted, i need to respect the fact that he needs to work though a lot of things right now, and that he doesn't want a relationship with me. but going back to my conversation sunday night with my faire friend, if indeed there exists the repressed adoration, i wish to be around when he gets comfortable with it. (i prefer to think of when as opposed to if) i don't want to be that girl, but i'd never forgive myself if i had a chance with him and ruined it. he's amazing, and i wish i understood what happened between "eve, my love..." and "just friends..."
i guess in a sense i'm hurt, because i very much desire the intimacy we shared, emotionally and physicalle. it was the best i'd felt in a very long time, being with him that way. but it's not an 'i hate you' hurt. i just don't understand what shifted for him and when, and that makes it hard to guage my behavior. and i've been overanalyzing and thinking to the point of poisoning my body with my thoughts. twice in the last week i've become physically ill for no reason other than my thoughts were so troubling. which in and of itself is troubling, aside from the physical pain of being ill, unable to think clearly, unable to sleep.
this weekend, however i shall distract myself. i'll be spending the afternoon/evening at the ren faire, and then all day sunday. depending on what my friend who works there has planned, i may just stay the night in their camp. i'll have to prepare for an overnight, just in case. i told my friend that i need a break from this particular version of reality, and he assured me that my visit would be arranged with ease. so i'll drive down after work on saturday, and lose myself in something that feels familiar. all the times i've been it's felt like home, and i've been away too long.
so this weekend as opposed to the familiar trouble i usually get myself into, i'll be putting myself in alternative (and previously familiar) peril. ha. well, i think it's time to get a snack. at least i'm feeling marginally better.