i love tuesdays
so last night, was of course, my night to go drink with the boys and watch our miniseries. last week, when i was trying to behave, they got me drunk. this week, i did it all by myself. so i got there first, and hung out with rory. trying to act normal around him is certainly an adventure. how am i supposed to mangage that when i'm alone with someone i'm crazy about? i'm not sure how i did it.
then we started watching the flick, and the drinking commenced. sweet lord did we drink. and i got antsy, so i made a cigarette run. came back, drank more, went for a walk. met some people out on a porch drinking and smoking. they gave me a can of 'beer' (molsten. ech.) and a smokey treat as well. got back. flick over. guys are standing around the kitchen watching a newer member of the tuesday crowd play an online game (that the guys play on wednesday nights)
somehow emboldened (liquid courage, i imagine) i walked over to rory and put my arms around him. he put his arm around me, and there we stayed, talking and drinking. being near him feels really good. too good. but i suppose it's promising that he didn't mind doing that in front of the guys, even if he maintains we shouldn't date. other interesting info garnered online today while talking with my tardy friend from a few weeks ago...
9:15<*td*> heh
9:21<*to td*> (rory) didn't seem irritated when i latched on, did he? i wish i could remember more of last night.
9:21<*td*> nah
9:21<*td*> he's the one that said you were made out of sugar
9:21<*td*> and then had (liam) punched me when i said 'gag'
9:21<*td*> heh.
9:21<*to td*> he did?
9:21<*td*> heh
9:21<*to td*> granted you already knew, but i'm crazy about him.
9:22<*td*> heh
9:22<*td*> thats why i said gag
9:22<*td*> heh.
9:22<*to td*> and in my opinion, we'd be a happy little couple if he was willing to do something more about liking me
9:22<*to td*> but he's scared that he'd lose me as a friend if we broke up
9:23<*to td*> denied!
9:23<*to td*> it's rather frustrating at times. because i don't know how to act around him.
9:24<*to td*> although if both of us are drunk, apparently we do pretty well. ;)
9:24<*td*> heh
9:24<*to td*> how did me being made out of sugar come up in conversation?
9:25<*td*> (blah blah blah) she's not back yet (blah blah) maybe she melted (blah blah)she is made out of sugar (blah blah) gag (blah blah) *punch*
9:25<*to td*> so he said this while i was out walking around drunk?
9:25<*td*> yeah
i so adore this man. he makes me giddy. anyway, i was in no condition to be driving, but felt bad about being there drunk again. granted it was their fault last week, but nonetheless. my plan was to go for a walk and then maybe hit an all-night place until the feeling passed. rory would hear nothing of it and made me stay on the couch. i slept there till a few minutes after 5. got up, fixed the covers so rory was covered, said goodbye and drove home.
finally fell asleep somewhere around 7, slept till 8. now i'm at work. blech.
the funny thing about being online, besides rory further endearing himself to me without knowing it, is that i had been away from my desk, and when i sat back down, "this is love" by pj harvey was playing, and rory had just signed on. i love little synchronicities like that. it makes me feel like things are going where they ought to. the lyrics of that song are so appropriate to how i feel about rory. i've been listening to it a lot the past few days.
-----
I can't believe life's so complex
When I just wanna' sit here and watch you undress
* This is love that I'm feeling
Does it have to be a life full of dread?
I wanna' chase you round the table, I wanna' touch your head
* This is love that I'm feeling
I can't believe that the axis turns on suffering
When you taste so good
I can't believe that the axis turns on suffering
While my head burns
* This is love that I'm feeling
Even in the summer, even in the spring
You can never get too much of a wonderful thing
You're the only story that I never told
You're my dirty little secret, wanna' keep you so
Come on out, come on over, help me forget
Keep the walls from falling on me, tumbling in
- This is love that I'm feeling
---
by that view, i'm most certainly in love. i just don't think i'm ready to handle what goes along with being in love. but i can't deny all the dorky thoughts that pop up in my head. wondering what it would be like being with him, especially because he treats me so well as a friend. i like the idea of waking up and him being there. of seeing movies together and hanging out at the pub. i couldn't have been any happier last night than when he held me close. yeah, in a kitchen with 4 friends there, but again, maybe that's not so bad. maybe things will just progress a tiny bit at a time. and if i'm lucky, we'll just grow into each other. *sigh*
i've never taken things slow with a relationship before. and i really really like this guy, so i'm a bit nervous about the whole thing. i do not want to screw things up by trying to move them along at the speed i normally do. that's how a guy i dated earlier this year wrecked something that could have been cool.
we'd known each other for a while, but i had been with garrett. the first time we hung out 'just us' i made it clear that i'd only been single 2 weeks, and that i was severly damaged goods, that i couldn't be in a relationship with anyone for a while, and that he needed to understand that before things went any further. well, he couldn't accept that, and after a few weeks i really started to notice. then he got mean. out of nowhere.
he was getting so drunk that he couldn't even remember the mean stuff that he said to me, and it was happening pretty regularly. so i said, "look, you play too rough. i'm dealing with a lot right now." he told me to get over myself. wrong answer, pal. we don't talk anymore.
i refuse to let that happen with rory. he means too much to me. and i have to keep mentally slowing myself down, because i know that he's worth waiting for. worth taking things as slowly as he needs to. how can i be in so deep so soon? sometimes i wonder about myself. i don't even know the last time i fell this hard for someone. especially someone with so much potential. he's a nice guy. how often do you find genuinely nice guys? jerks are pretty easy to come by, and even mostly nice guys are find-able, but usually need training up. and they have to be interested in a relationship, whereas the last two men i've been with were too busy for that and didn't realize it. i was just in denial about it.
my head is spinning.
i am so far from eloquent today, and i don't even care. i just want to go to bed. preferably next to rory. it's not going to happen, but that doesn't change the fact that that's what i want. argh. overwhelming desire...
Main Entry: 2 desire
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1 : conscious impulse toward something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction in its attainment
must... exercise... patience...
it's really hard sometimes.
then we started watching the flick, and the drinking commenced. sweet lord did we drink. and i got antsy, so i made a cigarette run. came back, drank more, went for a walk. met some people out on a porch drinking and smoking. they gave me a can of 'beer' (molsten. ech.) and a smokey treat as well. got back. flick over. guys are standing around the kitchen watching a newer member of the tuesday crowd play an online game (that the guys play on wednesday nights)
somehow emboldened (liquid courage, i imagine) i walked over to rory and put my arms around him. he put his arm around me, and there we stayed, talking and drinking. being near him feels really good. too good. but i suppose it's promising that he didn't mind doing that in front of the guys, even if he maintains we shouldn't date. other interesting info garnered online today while talking with my tardy friend from a few weeks ago...
9:15<*td*> heh
9:21<*to td*> (rory) didn't seem irritated when i latched on, did he? i wish i could remember more of last night.
9:21<*td*> nah
9:21<*td*> he's the one that said you were made out of sugar
9:21<*td*> and then had (liam) punched me when i said 'gag'
9:21<*td*> heh.
9:21<*to td*> he did?
9:21<*td*> heh
9:21<*to td*> granted you already knew, but i'm crazy about him.
9:22<*td*> heh
9:22<*td*> thats why i said gag
9:22<*td*> heh.
9:22<*to td*> and in my opinion, we'd be a happy little couple if he was willing to do something more about liking me
9:22<*to td*> but he's scared that he'd lose me as a friend if we broke up
9:23<*to td*> denied!
9:23<*to td*> it's rather frustrating at times. because i don't know how to act around him.
9:24<*to td*> although if both of us are drunk, apparently we do pretty well. ;)
9:24<*td*> heh
9:24<*to td*> how did me being made out of sugar come up in conversation?
9:25<*td*> (blah blah blah) she's not back yet (blah blah) maybe she melted (blah blah)she is made out of sugar (blah blah) gag (blah blah) *punch*
9:25<*to td*> so he said this while i was out walking around drunk?
9:25<*td*> yeah
i so adore this man. he makes me giddy. anyway, i was in no condition to be driving, but felt bad about being there drunk again. granted it was their fault last week, but nonetheless. my plan was to go for a walk and then maybe hit an all-night place until the feeling passed. rory would hear nothing of it and made me stay on the couch. i slept there till a few minutes after 5. got up, fixed the covers so rory was covered, said goodbye and drove home.
finally fell asleep somewhere around 7, slept till 8. now i'm at work. blech.
the funny thing about being online, besides rory further endearing himself to me without knowing it, is that i had been away from my desk, and when i sat back down, "this is love" by pj harvey was playing, and rory had just signed on. i love little synchronicities like that. it makes me feel like things are going where they ought to. the lyrics of that song are so appropriate to how i feel about rory. i've been listening to it a lot the past few days.
-----
I can't believe life's so complex
When I just wanna' sit here and watch you undress
* This is love that I'm feeling
Does it have to be a life full of dread?
I wanna' chase you round the table, I wanna' touch your head
* This is love that I'm feeling
I can't believe that the axis turns on suffering
When you taste so good
I can't believe that the axis turns on suffering
While my head burns
* This is love that I'm feeling
Even in the summer, even in the spring
You can never get too much of a wonderful thing
You're the only story that I never told
You're my dirty little secret, wanna' keep you so
Come on out, come on over, help me forget
Keep the walls from falling on me, tumbling in
- This is love that I'm feeling
---
by that view, i'm most certainly in love. i just don't think i'm ready to handle what goes along with being in love. but i can't deny all the dorky thoughts that pop up in my head. wondering what it would be like being with him, especially because he treats me so well as a friend. i like the idea of waking up and him being there. of seeing movies together and hanging out at the pub. i couldn't have been any happier last night than when he held me close. yeah, in a kitchen with 4 friends there, but again, maybe that's not so bad. maybe things will just progress a tiny bit at a time. and if i'm lucky, we'll just grow into each other. *sigh*
i've never taken things slow with a relationship before. and i really really like this guy, so i'm a bit nervous about the whole thing. i do not want to screw things up by trying to move them along at the speed i normally do. that's how a guy i dated earlier this year wrecked something that could have been cool.
we'd known each other for a while, but i had been with garrett. the first time we hung out 'just us' i made it clear that i'd only been single 2 weeks, and that i was severly damaged goods, that i couldn't be in a relationship with anyone for a while, and that he needed to understand that before things went any further. well, he couldn't accept that, and after a few weeks i really started to notice. then he got mean. out of nowhere.
he was getting so drunk that he couldn't even remember the mean stuff that he said to me, and it was happening pretty regularly. so i said, "look, you play too rough. i'm dealing with a lot right now." he told me to get over myself. wrong answer, pal. we don't talk anymore.
i refuse to let that happen with rory. he means too much to me. and i have to keep mentally slowing myself down, because i know that he's worth waiting for. worth taking things as slowly as he needs to. how can i be in so deep so soon? sometimes i wonder about myself. i don't even know the last time i fell this hard for someone. especially someone with so much potential. he's a nice guy. how often do you find genuinely nice guys? jerks are pretty easy to come by, and even mostly nice guys are find-able, but usually need training up. and they have to be interested in a relationship, whereas the last two men i've been with were too busy for that and didn't realize it. i was just in denial about it.
my head is spinning.
i am so far from eloquent today, and i don't even care. i just want to go to bed. preferably next to rory. it's not going to happen, but that doesn't change the fact that that's what i want. argh. overwhelming desire...
Main Entry: 2 desire
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1 : conscious impulse toward something that promises enjoyment or satisfaction in its attainment
must... exercise... patience...
it's really hard sometimes.