no poetics
ok
something IS wrong and I didn't figure it out until after he left. its one thing to work here. its another to have to have a gun. its another to wonder who the hell is climbing through walls and banging on doors. really. then my mind wandered back to my issue involving abandonment and being fucked over. mr grimes. i wouldnt be in this damn situation if it wasnt for him. i have nightmares about the punishment and costs. i stay awake thinking about being too nice. i really cant sleep anymore. he doesnt hold me the same way. he moves my hair out of the way and just passes out. its like its becoming the same old thing. i cant be new anymore. i cant be adventurous. not now. im thinking about getting a second job again. im thinking about him leaving me here. im sure now that i wont be able to leave this place for a long time. i cant afford it. i have no degree. i have this damn place and a meager paycheck i use on our living expenses. i love him and thats why i do it. and no i cant say it bothers me so much. i just want someone to take care of ME. i want to be stronger. i need to stop lending out money and expecting people to come through. i need to stop trusting and i need to start sleeping and taking care of myself. i wish i didnt need rides everywhere. i wish my damn car would work. it would be my luck that the damn thing would cost us so much money and still not run. it would be because of that damn thing that im in the situation i am in. no. fuck mr grimes. fuck cameron too. im out of the game i loved. i will not be stepped on anymore. that is how i feel. remember the story about the guy who did salvia and thought he was a piece of gum? yeah....i am a chewed up piece of gum. the sad part is, no matter how much i hate feeling this way i know it'll continue. and im afraid of california. deathly afraid. im going with nothing. nevermind. i cant go. myke will go and he'll find a job or end up in a ditch or become famous or find someone new. shit. what if he does? then i seriously have nothing. where will all of my money and emotion go? nowhere! to nothing and nobody. this town will kill me. for being nice. for feeling like i owe so many people so many things and hating being in debt. i wish i could go back to high school and find out about my parent's relationship crumbling apart. i wish i could find that bitch christy. i wish i could make my parents more in love than ever and keep dad from losing his job for being hispanic. then i would be in new york living up to this so called potential a select few see in me. im nothing and im going nowhere. so fuck the game and fuck the system and fuck charm and small tits and good hair and laughter and being fucked up and debt and sleep and health and sight and minpins and zombie movies and dodge shadows and success and happiness. this is just another breakdown. im falling apart. and do you know what i have at my side? a gun goddamnit. no hugs no locks no money no luck no good looks no talent. just a gun. and i have to use that for my fucking protection.
something IS wrong and I didn't figure it out until after he left. its one thing to work here. its another to have to have a gun. its another to wonder who the hell is climbing through walls and banging on doors. really. then my mind wandered back to my issue involving abandonment and being fucked over. mr grimes. i wouldnt be in this damn situation if it wasnt for him. i have nightmares about the punishment and costs. i stay awake thinking about being too nice. i really cant sleep anymore. he doesnt hold me the same way. he moves my hair out of the way and just passes out. its like its becoming the same old thing. i cant be new anymore. i cant be adventurous. not now. im thinking about getting a second job again. im thinking about him leaving me here. im sure now that i wont be able to leave this place for a long time. i cant afford it. i have no degree. i have this damn place and a meager paycheck i use on our living expenses. i love him and thats why i do it. and no i cant say it bothers me so much. i just want someone to take care of ME. i want to be stronger. i need to stop lending out money and expecting people to come through. i need to stop trusting and i need to start sleeping and taking care of myself. i wish i didnt need rides everywhere. i wish my damn car would work. it would be my luck that the damn thing would cost us so much money and still not run. it would be because of that damn thing that im in the situation i am in. no. fuck mr grimes. fuck cameron too. im out of the game i loved. i will not be stepped on anymore. that is how i feel. remember the story about the guy who did salvia and thought he was a piece of gum? yeah....i am a chewed up piece of gum. the sad part is, no matter how much i hate feeling this way i know it'll continue. and im afraid of california. deathly afraid. im going with nothing. nevermind. i cant go. myke will go and he'll find a job or end up in a ditch or become famous or find someone new. shit. what if he does? then i seriously have nothing. where will all of my money and emotion go? nowhere! to nothing and nobody. this town will kill me. for being nice. for feeling like i owe so many people so many things and hating being in debt. i wish i could go back to high school and find out about my parent's relationship crumbling apart. i wish i could find that bitch christy. i wish i could make my parents more in love than ever and keep dad from losing his job for being hispanic. then i would be in new york living up to this so called potential a select few see in me. im nothing and im going nowhere. so fuck the game and fuck the system and fuck charm and small tits and good hair and laughter and being fucked up and debt and sleep and health and sight and minpins and zombie movies and dodge shadows and success and happiness. this is just another breakdown. im falling apart. and do you know what i have at my side? a gun goddamnit. no hugs no locks no money no luck no good looks no talent. just a gun. and i have to use that for my fucking protection.