And I thought I'd be more, something better, less than dirt
It's been a really weird few weeks. Very sad and anxious and dreading Christmas. And then period came so it was real bad for a while.
My mom had been sick and tested positive so our xmas plans had changed, and I was sorta disappointed. I would miss seeing my sisters and nieces and nephews, but like I always get so anxious around them and don't know how to talk or interact properly, so it is tiring but I guess worth it if it made me sad.
I did my gift shopping so last minute, but then realized I have like nothing for my parents. I recently gave my mom some of my nail polish, and new top coat and bought her cough medicine, but nothing really to open. I feel bad but like they really don't need anything and always say that, so I think I'll treat them to a nice NYE dinner. But I was super stressed over it. We didn’t even open presenta on christmas, likely tmrw for boxing day.
Then blizzard and snow storms came the day before xmas, so plans inevitably changed anyways, roads were closed so no get togethers.
Ugh, frustrated by my dad. Crystal called earlier and I could hear his whole side of the convo because he's loud as fuck. He's telling her about my mom being a little sick still, but testing negative now, she just did another test, days later from her positive test. And then asking about weather out at her place because there's a lot of snow. Then asks if she's still at the same job and apparently she is not. And he says "that apparently runs in your family" like referring to her and E. And like, why. You can just ask a question and respond and not put your judgment on it. And his tone is just so judgy and I'm sure she is going on the defensive on her side. And he then proceeds to explain how she should apply at the nursing homes and she'd be so much better off. Then spends a few minutes telling her about how he had to get a new cell phone and how great his cell phone is. And then the convo is basically over, telling her that we can probably get together boxing day, weather dependent. And he gets off the phone and says "well that was a nice chat with Crystal." Like what? For who? You didn't even ask how her kids are or how she's doing, and like he wasn't silent long enough like she would've been able to offer him that info in that time. Fuck, he's such a narcissist. And we talk about my mom being an oversharer, but he's terrible for it too. And his condescending tone about jobs and careers is so annoying, like get over yourself. Fuck.
We've been dealing with each other pretty well. The three of us hung out and watched movies in the basement christmas eve and it was nice. Then today I made dinner. The plan was to do turkey and all that if family was coming but that changed so I made polenta with Mediterranean style veg and seared scallops and it was awesome.
I'm done with work til Wednesday, then I work 4 days in a row.
I took the raads-r test recently because I had seen a few people on TT mention it and yeah, it was high, like 150ish. Some of the questions were so hard, like I needed a sometimes true option, so maybe it shouldn't be that high. But there's also so many questions where I'm like I don't know how I act in certain scenarios because I like avoid them at all cost or I've like trained myself to act more normal. I've begun to realize that my version of survival in social situations is actually maybe a form of masking. So I'm having epiphanies about myself. It's not like I'm going to go out and try to get myself an autism spectrum diagnosis. But it is helpful for me realizing that I am neurodivergent, and maybe, oh maybe, I can find some better coping mechanisms. Not that I'm likely of change, but you know, we can dream.
Also, update on the keeping track of how much I'm reading, by maintaining a spreadsheet with my daily FF word counts. I'm just under 7.5 million words. I started keeping track on boxing day 2021 and there's my year in a glance. And I feel like that's a low estimate considering how much I reread and skim through old chaps etc. It's become so routine I'll keep going with it.
Oh, I guess Merry Christmas.
My mom had been sick and tested positive so our xmas plans had changed, and I was sorta disappointed. I would miss seeing my sisters and nieces and nephews, but like I always get so anxious around them and don't know how to talk or interact properly, so it is tiring but I guess worth it if it made me sad.
I did my gift shopping so last minute, but then realized I have like nothing for my parents. I recently gave my mom some of my nail polish, and new top coat and bought her cough medicine, but nothing really to open. I feel bad but like they really don't need anything and always say that, so I think I'll treat them to a nice NYE dinner. But I was super stressed over it. We didn’t even open presenta on christmas, likely tmrw for boxing day.
Then blizzard and snow storms came the day before xmas, so plans inevitably changed anyways, roads were closed so no get togethers.
Ugh, frustrated by my dad. Crystal called earlier and I could hear his whole side of the convo because he's loud as fuck. He's telling her about my mom being a little sick still, but testing negative now, she just did another test, days later from her positive test. And then asking about weather out at her place because there's a lot of snow. Then asks if she's still at the same job and apparently she is not. And he says "that apparently runs in your family" like referring to her and E. And like, why. You can just ask a question and respond and not put your judgment on it. And his tone is just so judgy and I'm sure she is going on the defensive on her side. And he then proceeds to explain how she should apply at the nursing homes and she'd be so much better off. Then spends a few minutes telling her about how he had to get a new cell phone and how great his cell phone is. And then the convo is basically over, telling her that we can probably get together boxing day, weather dependent. And he gets off the phone and says "well that was a nice chat with Crystal." Like what? For who? You didn't even ask how her kids are or how she's doing, and like he wasn't silent long enough like she would've been able to offer him that info in that time. Fuck, he's such a narcissist. And we talk about my mom being an oversharer, but he's terrible for it too. And his condescending tone about jobs and careers is so annoying, like get over yourself. Fuck.
We've been dealing with each other pretty well. The three of us hung out and watched movies in the basement christmas eve and it was nice. Then today I made dinner. The plan was to do turkey and all that if family was coming but that changed so I made polenta with Mediterranean style veg and seared scallops and it was awesome.
I'm done with work til Wednesday, then I work 4 days in a row.
I took the raads-r test recently because I had seen a few people on TT mention it and yeah, it was high, like 150ish. Some of the questions were so hard, like I needed a sometimes true option, so maybe it shouldn't be that high. But there's also so many questions where I'm like I don't know how I act in certain scenarios because I like avoid them at all cost or I've like trained myself to act more normal. I've begun to realize that my version of survival in social situations is actually maybe a form of masking. So I'm having epiphanies about myself. It's not like I'm going to go out and try to get myself an autism spectrum diagnosis. But it is helpful for me realizing that I am neurodivergent, and maybe, oh maybe, I can find some better coping mechanisms. Not that I'm likely of change, but you know, we can dream.
Also, update on the keeping track of how much I'm reading, by maintaining a spreadsheet with my daily FF word counts. I'm just under 7.5 million words. I started keeping track on boxing day 2021 and there's my year in a glance. And I feel like that's a low estimate considering how much I reread and skim through old chaps etc. It's become so routine I'll keep going with it.
Oh, I guess Merry Christmas.