Suddenly, I am afraid to turn around as though my failures have taken shape
Now stationary, I hear nothing
Unmoving, thoughts move in
like, "Did I just waste another year
without getting anything done?"
or "How long until I feel a sense of purpose again?"
Suddenly, I am afraid to turn around,
as though my failures have taken shape
- "If this is sadness, I don’t like it one bit"
by Mt. Oriander
I havent really mentioned this yet but I've been thinking about it a lot. E is in a month long program in London for an eating disorder. Both my parents were like so shocked and like disbelieving. Like you think she's lying? Fuck off. I commend her for her bravery, her honesty with her mom to talk about it and take steps to deal with it. Even though she seems truly miserable at it.
My parents are like well we didn't notice it or we didn't suspect anything so how can it be real, like that's kind of the point. And from my experience, I completely stopped any attempts to open up to you both because you're insanely judgmental, narcissistic, belittling... so I don't expect any teen to open up to you. I've never felt you to be very empathetic.
She's really struggling and I feel for her and want to support her anyway I can. She called us on Thanksgiving when her mom and L were over for dinner. And we chatted, or more like Dad said alot of weird stuff about how she's his little bud, and like "c'mon, you know we love you" etc. And she was like "yeah, I know" over and over. And it was cringey, but could've been worse, considering my dad. Like, mental illness doesn't stop knowing people around you love you. Some of it was actually very encouraging though.
Then, this weekend most of the fam was down for dinner, including E. She was super despondent, napping on the couch when I arrived home from work. And then there was a big big blow up at the dinner table. I think it started with C asking her questions about her program and food journals she has to keep, and I think my dad probably said something or had a tone. And E ran to the bathroom crying and then they proceeded to talk about her while she might've been able to hear from the bathroom. And it was AWK. Then she went outside and probably vaped. And my dad and C got into a big fight about the whole situation. My dad said some things about how she just needs to stop worrying, like let things roll off her back or whatever. And like easier said than done dude, especially with your hindsight and age and experience. My sister was trying to tell him about how his behaviour affects people, and they're both just so defensive, and he's denying. And C is nearly crying telling him that that's why she tried to kill herself. Eventually C and L go outside to check on E. And then we're just still at the table, J & D, Ash, Ch and Ol, and J is sort of defending Dad to be like, C also sort of instigated it, by asking so much about food to begin with, stressing her out. Like questioning whether all of this focus on calories and how much she's eating is making the anxiety worse for her. And I guess I see all of their points. We can't just put it all on dad. C can be so dismissive of E, and put so much pressure on her to grow up, to help with her other kids. We're all dealing or not dealing with varying levels of trauma here.
My Dad doesn’t really understand mental illness. And I'm still mad and resentful of so much of what he has said to me over the years, basically gaslighting me. Calling me lazy and useless, and negating my feelings. If I'm sad, it's always been just stop being sad, like buck up, as if that's helpful. If I'm stressing about something, just don't stress. And that's if he even thinks what I'm anxious about even warrants anxiety, which he often doesn't. Calls me illogical, a spoiled baby. Doesn't understand how social situations are so difficult, doesn't realize that certain simple or normal tasks can be gargantuan for me. We are very different people with different experiences. So like how dare I have deep feelings about things he doesn't have deep feelings about or think I should have deep feelings about.
But these are my issues. And I just can't get over it.
I saw a TikTok which put something in such clear terms that I just watched it over and over because I had never thought about it like that, like truly 'for you page'.
Grew up in a home where I couldn't emotionally rely on my caregivers.
So now I desperately want a deep connection but also total isolation.
That feels like me in a nutshell.
I still crave contact, interaction, touch, intimacy... sometimes. Sometimes I feel so lonely I could die. But I also dread social situations, stress about them so much, get so in my head, can't speak, can only nod and smile and long to leave, and can't find the words to make my exit. And then get home and go through every moment anxiously, worried I said something wrong or dumb. Likely can't fall asleep because it's going around in my head so much. So I just would very much like to just not have to do that, save myself some exhaustion. But somehow also being alone, stuck in my thoughts, is also exhausting.
Basically existence is exhausting.
I'm feeling more and more like I'm finally ready to be like, yeah I'm actually asexual. It has been so hard to put into actual words. Not that I need to. No one cares. And I like being labelless, and just vaguely queer. But yeah, asexual. I may fantasize and read smut etc. but in real life... I'm too fucked up to let myself open up emotionally or physically to anyone.
My work schedule has drastically declined in hours, I kind of love it. Fall weather has really set in, so most shifts are short or may get cancelled.
I have a stupid wedding to work on Friday so hopefully my body can handle that. Then work at 8:30 the next day, def won't like that so much. Then Mariah invited me to see Chicago with her and some of the former York crew, and I think we're going out for dinner. I'm pumped, though anxious because I feel like I'm crashing their party. Like they all are much closer, they've always been nice to me and welcoming but I wouldn’t necessarily call them friends. So it’s like 3rd wheeling witha friend group lol. But M invited me as like an offhanded comment when we hung out last, and I said yeah, that'd be fun... and then she actually bought me a ticket with them, so she obviously wants me there, it wasn't like it was a total pity invite.
Speaking of the last time we hung out. We went to see fucking Turnstile, and Snail Mail, and JPEGMafia. It was so good, so much fun, so intense! And we were joined by my nephew, kind of his first concert. He's fairly quiet and I'm so bad st conversation lol, but I think he enjoyed it. Same with Mariah. She is just so down with whatever concert or band I want to see. They played all the songs I wanted.
And like, now Turnstile is opening for Blink 182 next year and tix were like crazy expensive and sold out so quick. Glad I was able to see them on this tour. And I like that venue.
Unmoving, thoughts move in
like, "Did I just waste another year
without getting anything done?"
or "How long until I feel a sense of purpose again?"
Suddenly, I am afraid to turn around,
as though my failures have taken shape
- "If this is sadness, I don’t like it one bit"
by Mt. Oriander
I havent really mentioned this yet but I've been thinking about it a lot. E is in a month long program in London for an eating disorder. Both my parents were like so shocked and like disbelieving. Like you think she's lying? Fuck off. I commend her for her bravery, her honesty with her mom to talk about it and take steps to deal with it. Even though she seems truly miserable at it.
My parents are like well we didn't notice it or we didn't suspect anything so how can it be real, like that's kind of the point. And from my experience, I completely stopped any attempts to open up to you both because you're insanely judgmental, narcissistic, belittling... so I don't expect any teen to open up to you. I've never felt you to be very empathetic.
She's really struggling and I feel for her and want to support her anyway I can. She called us on Thanksgiving when her mom and L were over for dinner. And we chatted, or more like Dad said alot of weird stuff about how she's his little bud, and like "c'mon, you know we love you" etc. And she was like "yeah, I know" over and over. And it was cringey, but could've been worse, considering my dad. Like, mental illness doesn't stop knowing people around you love you. Some of it was actually very encouraging though.
Then, this weekend most of the fam was down for dinner, including E. She was super despondent, napping on the couch when I arrived home from work. And then there was a big big blow up at the dinner table. I think it started with C asking her questions about her program and food journals she has to keep, and I think my dad probably said something or had a tone. And E ran to the bathroom crying and then they proceeded to talk about her while she might've been able to hear from the bathroom. And it was AWK. Then she went outside and probably vaped. And my dad and C got into a big fight about the whole situation. My dad said some things about how she just needs to stop worrying, like let things roll off her back or whatever. And like easier said than done dude, especially with your hindsight and age and experience. My sister was trying to tell him about how his behaviour affects people, and they're both just so defensive, and he's denying. And C is nearly crying telling him that that's why she tried to kill herself. Eventually C and L go outside to check on E. And then we're just still at the table, J & D, Ash, Ch and Ol, and J is sort of defending Dad to be like, C also sort of instigated it, by asking so much about food to begin with, stressing her out. Like questioning whether all of this focus on calories and how much she's eating is making the anxiety worse for her. And I guess I see all of their points. We can't just put it all on dad. C can be so dismissive of E, and put so much pressure on her to grow up, to help with her other kids. We're all dealing or not dealing with varying levels of trauma here.
My Dad doesn’t really understand mental illness. And I'm still mad and resentful of so much of what he has said to me over the years, basically gaslighting me. Calling me lazy and useless, and negating my feelings. If I'm sad, it's always been just stop being sad, like buck up, as if that's helpful. If I'm stressing about something, just don't stress. And that's if he even thinks what I'm anxious about even warrants anxiety, which he often doesn't. Calls me illogical, a spoiled baby. Doesn't understand how social situations are so difficult, doesn't realize that certain simple or normal tasks can be gargantuan for me. We are very different people with different experiences. So like how dare I have deep feelings about things he doesn't have deep feelings about or think I should have deep feelings about.
But these are my issues. And I just can't get over it.
I saw a TikTok which put something in such clear terms that I just watched it over and over because I had never thought about it like that, like truly 'for you page'.
Grew up in a home where I couldn't emotionally rely on my caregivers.
So now I desperately want a deep connection but also total isolation.
That feels like me in a nutshell.
I still crave contact, interaction, touch, intimacy... sometimes. Sometimes I feel so lonely I could die. But I also dread social situations, stress about them so much, get so in my head, can't speak, can only nod and smile and long to leave, and can't find the words to make my exit. And then get home and go through every moment anxiously, worried I said something wrong or dumb. Likely can't fall asleep because it's going around in my head so much. So I just would very much like to just not have to do that, save myself some exhaustion. But somehow also being alone, stuck in my thoughts, is also exhausting.
Basically existence is exhausting.
I'm feeling more and more like I'm finally ready to be like, yeah I'm actually asexual. It has been so hard to put into actual words. Not that I need to. No one cares. And I like being labelless, and just vaguely queer. But yeah, asexual. I may fantasize and read smut etc. but in real life... I'm too fucked up to let myself open up emotionally or physically to anyone.
My work schedule has drastically declined in hours, I kind of love it. Fall weather has really set in, so most shifts are short or may get cancelled.
I have a stupid wedding to work on Friday so hopefully my body can handle that. Then work at 8:30 the next day, def won't like that so much. Then Mariah invited me to see Chicago with her and some of the former York crew, and I think we're going out for dinner. I'm pumped, though anxious because I feel like I'm crashing their party. Like they all are much closer, they've always been nice to me and welcoming but I wouldn’t necessarily call them friends. So it’s like 3rd wheeling witha friend group lol. But M invited me as like an offhanded comment when we hung out last, and I said yeah, that'd be fun... and then she actually bought me a ticket with them, so she obviously wants me there, it wasn't like it was a total pity invite.
Speaking of the last time we hung out. We went to see fucking Turnstile, and Snail Mail, and JPEGMafia. It was so good, so much fun, so intense! And we were joined by my nephew, kind of his first concert. He's fairly quiet and I'm so bad st conversation lol, but I think he enjoyed it. Same with Mariah. She is just so down with whatever concert or band I want to see. They played all the songs I wanted.
And like, now Turnstile is opening for Blink 182 next year and tix were like crazy expensive and sold out so quick. Glad I was able to see them on this tour. And I like that venue.