Trying to locate yourself in someone else's home, on someone else's bones
I've had a lot of feelings reading various articles and I just had to start putting some of it into words
Notes on fandom
- I use fandom and particularly fanfic as a way to reconcile with the inherent flaws of any and all narratives. And to explore characters and themes and settings that are comfortable or that I am already familiar with. I love the work that disclaims that it is so and so's sandbox and the author just plays in it.
- no matter what I think of their creators, their show runners, their writers I believe that they are team creations. I can hate Wheden and still adore Buffy. I can hate watch VD (not lately, but back in the day) but still love and root for certain characters. I can *sortof* hate the finale of a show and still love VM. No show is without flaws or biases or toxic personalities. But I still choose to love them and how they make/made me feel.
-I love a redemption arc. I feel that way when I think of Spike, of Damon, of Logan (essentially the trifecta of sometimes toxic white male characters that I have pined for in shows and their resulting fan works).
- I still root for and love and will be forever grateful of Dan Harmon and his work, for example. I don't excuse any of his behaviour, but more than of Whedon that I've seen so far, he has not hid or refuted any claims, he worked through them, took ownership/responsibility/accountability.
The article that I read that says that Buffy is ruined for them because of Whedon, just got me fired up, like that takes away from years worth of work and strife and dedication of thousands of people involved directly or indirectly. And I can't abide by that mentality. I respect that that is how someone feels but it's not my journey with it.
It makes me examine the show more critically maybe and that is good, let's be critical, let's point out toxic shit and hopefully promote change. But after doing that work I don't think that will ever take away my love of the thing. Sure there are things I loved that didn’t age well for whatever reason and I just don't feel as strongly about now. But the things I really loved can't be fully diminished by that type of shit, again because it's not just one person or one group of people's thing, it's bigger and better than that.
But it's also because of my experience in fandom and in non-canon work. I acknowledge that I live in my own little niche world where I consume more fanfiction than actual Canon material, so again my whole view of a show is challenged by potentially trillions of words, millions of chapters of AUs/AHs/time travel fixes/episode rewrites/what ifs/porn with or without plots/pre or post series stories etc. But I feel like that only heightens my love of the thing. Exploring characters/themes/settings that I already love and am invested in, beyond what is shown on screen or whatever medium is just so enticing, so fulfilling and satisfying for me. I don't know that I will ever stop searching it out.
I used to never acknowledge FF as actual reading. Every year 'read more' was on my resolutions list, and I was always disappointed in myself by not reading more books. But FF is reading, it is legitimate despite not being a physical copy. And let's unpack some of the stigma. Ebooks are reading, audio books are a legitimate way of reading and anyone who thinks otherwise is inherently ableist. So why is fanfiction lesser in people's minds, including my own. Well it's not published, no company allowed it to be or made it happen, no company is funding it/promoting it etc...
Oh my God, I'm just realizing how fucking punk fanfiction is. It's DIY, it's underground, it's by the people for the people, it requires no money, and there's no profit to be made (like Twilight/Fifty Shades is kinda the exception lol), it's grassroots, it's mostly made by women or lgbtq+ or bipoc or marginalized people (I don't know the stats but I assume), it's whatever you want it to be, it's short or long, it's sometimes unedited or it's beta'd by other people in the community, it's sometimes so polished it's just as good if not better than any novel that was bound as a book.
So I've been keeping track of word count in a spreadsheet. I started on Dec 26th boxing day, and it's now Jan 26th and I have read over 500000 words just in fanfiction. If you Google how many words are in a book I've read 4 or 5 novels on average.
Anyways.
The new Pedro the Lion album is providing my soundtrack this week, it's excellent front to back. Hits me right in the repressed childhood trauma.
This loneliness conditioned you to think
That it's virtuous to suffer quietly
Never dreamed it'd be forever
Or hurt this way
Parents are leaving soon and I'm pumped for some space. I'm anxious too, like I always am when I'm all alone for long periods of time. I hope I can maintain some (honestly just SOME would be good, I'm realistic) healthy and productive habits. I want to be cooking/baking more, trying new recipes; I want to be exercising regularly, more yoga; I want to be keeping things cleaner and organized, sorting through stuff would be good.
Peace out.
Notes on fandom
- I use fandom and particularly fanfic as a way to reconcile with the inherent flaws of any and all narratives. And to explore characters and themes and settings that are comfortable or that I am already familiar with. I love the work that disclaims that it is so and so's sandbox and the author just plays in it.
- no matter what I think of their creators, their show runners, their writers I believe that they are team creations. I can hate Wheden and still adore Buffy. I can hate watch VD (not lately, but back in the day) but still love and root for certain characters. I can *sortof* hate the finale of a show and still love VM. No show is without flaws or biases or toxic personalities. But I still choose to love them and how they make/made me feel.
-I love a redemption arc. I feel that way when I think of Spike, of Damon, of Logan (essentially the trifecta of sometimes toxic white male characters that I have pined for in shows and their resulting fan works).
- I still root for and love and will be forever grateful of Dan Harmon and his work, for example. I don't excuse any of his behaviour, but more than of Whedon that I've seen so far, he has not hid or refuted any claims, he worked through them, took ownership/responsibility/accountability.
The article that I read that says that Buffy is ruined for them because of Whedon, just got me fired up, like that takes away from years worth of work and strife and dedication of thousands of people involved directly or indirectly. And I can't abide by that mentality. I respect that that is how someone feels but it's not my journey with it.
It makes me examine the show more critically maybe and that is good, let's be critical, let's point out toxic shit and hopefully promote change. But after doing that work I don't think that will ever take away my love of the thing. Sure there are things I loved that didn’t age well for whatever reason and I just don't feel as strongly about now. But the things I really loved can't be fully diminished by that type of shit, again because it's not just one person or one group of people's thing, it's bigger and better than that.
But it's also because of my experience in fandom and in non-canon work. I acknowledge that I live in my own little niche world where I consume more fanfiction than actual Canon material, so again my whole view of a show is challenged by potentially trillions of words, millions of chapters of AUs/AHs/time travel fixes/episode rewrites/what ifs/porn with or without plots/pre or post series stories etc. But I feel like that only heightens my love of the thing. Exploring characters/themes/settings that I already love and am invested in, beyond what is shown on screen or whatever medium is just so enticing, so fulfilling and satisfying for me. I don't know that I will ever stop searching it out.
I used to never acknowledge FF as actual reading. Every year 'read more' was on my resolutions list, and I was always disappointed in myself by not reading more books. But FF is reading, it is legitimate despite not being a physical copy. And let's unpack some of the stigma. Ebooks are reading, audio books are a legitimate way of reading and anyone who thinks otherwise is inherently ableist. So why is fanfiction lesser in people's minds, including my own. Well it's not published, no company allowed it to be or made it happen, no company is funding it/promoting it etc...
Oh my God, I'm just realizing how fucking punk fanfiction is. It's DIY, it's underground, it's by the people for the people, it requires no money, and there's no profit to be made (like Twilight/Fifty Shades is kinda the exception lol), it's grassroots, it's mostly made by women or lgbtq+ or bipoc or marginalized people (I don't know the stats but I assume), it's whatever you want it to be, it's short or long, it's sometimes unedited or it's beta'd by other people in the community, it's sometimes so polished it's just as good if not better than any novel that was bound as a book.
So I've been keeping track of word count in a spreadsheet. I started on Dec 26th boxing day, and it's now Jan 26th and I have read over 500000 words just in fanfiction. If you Google how many words are in a book I've read 4 or 5 novels on average.
Anyways.
The new Pedro the Lion album is providing my soundtrack this week, it's excellent front to back. Hits me right in the repressed childhood trauma.
This loneliness conditioned you to think
That it's virtuous to suffer quietly
Never dreamed it'd be forever
Or hurt this way
Parents are leaving soon and I'm pumped for some space. I'm anxious too, like I always am when I'm all alone for long periods of time. I hope I can maintain some (honestly just SOME would be good, I'm realistic) healthy and productive habits. I want to be cooking/baking more, trying new recipes; I want to be exercising regularly, more yoga; I want to be keeping things cleaner and organized, sorting through stuff would be good.
Peace out.