While you are away my heart comes undone, slowly unravels in a ball of yarn
These are random-ish notes I’ve made over the past week
- I'm having a really hard time. My grandpa is in the hospital and I'm not handling it well. I'm so anxious. Everytime the phone rings I tense and panic. Distractions work for a little bit but then I just cry and hyperventilate. I don't know how I'll manage at work the next 6 days working 7:30-5ish. But it's not about me. I want to call my grandma and see how she's holding up. I'm worried they'll keep them separated and he'll be moved to another nursing home or the other side of the nursing home, that would be better so they can see each other daily. But I'm just so sad.
- M is driving me crazy. Like stop talking. Talks about how BD finally gets a day off... boohoo. Like I work the same amount of hours as him, or more if we're talking in the building. And I'm sorta glad her chipperness backfired on her, she said something about how this group looked super fancy and dressed up, and immediately I was like cringing because my first thought was funeral. And B had to pull her aside, essentially telling her to read the room. She’s so nice etc. but especially this week it’s been aggravating. And the oversharing and asking of personal questions is making me uncomfortable, but I guess that says more about how untrusting and closed off I am.
- I'm so tired and I'm stuck here til maybe 5 (Friday). I should stay until the golfers come in and then I can go home with my dad after he has a beer. I'm hoping they play quick, so 5:30 at latest. But still these slow 9-10 hour days are wearing on me.
- I went home, had some dinner. Talked to my mom about my papa, they're letting in more visitors per day/at the same time, said we could bring music or scents, so that seems to mean that he's not going to make it, doesn't have much longer. I thought it was due to the fall but he has pneumonia, and his breathing sounds so bad. Anyways, mom said she'd go up with me so we went after dinner. I was already crying before, just talking about it, then in the car, at the hospital, seeing him, once I start I can't stop. And he was sleeping, hooked up to oxygen, and he just looked so small and unlike him. I mean we just saw him at our place for Thanksgiving and he seemed fine, got up and down the stairs, was eating, not talking much (even if he wanted to say much it's hard to get a word in amongst my family). But he was forgetting or seemed confused during cards, but the dementia seems like it's accelerated over the past few years. He just turned 96, so obviously he has lived a long and full life. And my dad kept saying that (drunkenly) at dinner last night, and talking about pulling the plug and that's what he wants (making it about him, like usual). And yes objectively, I agree, end the suffering and go out on your own terms. But I feel like that's easier said than done, right, where it's your loved one. As we were walking out the door, my dad was sitting there and put his arm out to fistbump, to like make me feel better? IDK. Fistbump?! Really dad? That seemed appropriate? Fuck off.
- Saturday went by like a blur, I was still so anxious and sad. But BD and I made 3 trips to the halfway to clean it out and all that lifting and crap was a good distraction, then the restaurant was busy and I left just after 5. Made some kraft dinner and sauteed beyond meat ‘sausage’ and portobellos and watched some more Squid Game, I’m about halfway through, it has hooked me hard.
- Saturday also included a super fun, super angry dude that really let me have it because we didn’t have carts out and he didn’t check his email. He actually tried to pull the: “but we’re getting married here” and “we’re spending 40 grand here and this is what happens.” And I say something along the lines of: that doesn’t matter, and it has nothing to do with me or the conditions of the golf course. BD was there too and was explaining that it’s not our call and out of our control, being that it’s weather related. He said I handled it well. But like I really hate people.
- Sunday was the three man tournament, it was super up in the air and down to the last minute, because of weather and if we’d have carts out and frost delay, so it was a bit of a clusterfuck and I was very prepared for it to not happen. It was another almost 12 hour beast of a day. By the end I was just so done. We were understaffed so I stayed to help with the restaurant while B bartended for the tourney, because J wanted to leave by 6, okay… but you got here 2 hours later than me… cool, I’ll stay another hour and do your job. Excellent. So yeah, helped with some take out orders, checked people in for resos, and served some people at the bar. So friggin out of it by the end.
- Though last night did have an hour of pleasure, Björk did her 2nd of 4 orchestral shows that I bought the live stream tickets for. It was lovely with a full choir and so much fun. Stand out songs from the set were Unravel, Cosmogony, Vertebrae by Vertebrae, Who Is It and Where is the Line, oh and Oceania... that's like half the set but yeah, so enjoyable.
- So it was a late night and 6:30 wake up for work. But it was a rain out, so I just did inventory and anxiously tried to decide whether to tell people at work about my papa about how I'm struggling with this amount of shifts. I don’t know, I didn’t tell anyone yet but we'll see.
- Mom said they're just keeping him comfortable until the end now at this point, with morphine and it should happen today or tomorrow. Mom is writing his obituary, that nearly made me lose it before work this morning, seeing that on the dining room table. I also have this weird thought that if she gives that to the paper they'll misspell something like the birthday notice from last year, and how that would make my Papa so irritated considering he worked at the newspaper all his life, in printing and as the proofreader until he was almost 70.
❤
- I'm having a really hard time. My grandpa is in the hospital and I'm not handling it well. I'm so anxious. Everytime the phone rings I tense and panic. Distractions work for a little bit but then I just cry and hyperventilate. I don't know how I'll manage at work the next 6 days working 7:30-5ish. But it's not about me. I want to call my grandma and see how she's holding up. I'm worried they'll keep them separated and he'll be moved to another nursing home or the other side of the nursing home, that would be better so they can see each other daily. But I'm just so sad.
- M is driving me crazy. Like stop talking. Talks about how BD finally gets a day off... boohoo. Like I work the same amount of hours as him, or more if we're talking in the building. And I'm sorta glad her chipperness backfired on her, she said something about how this group looked super fancy and dressed up, and immediately I was like cringing because my first thought was funeral. And B had to pull her aside, essentially telling her to read the room. She’s so nice etc. but especially this week it’s been aggravating. And the oversharing and asking of personal questions is making me uncomfortable, but I guess that says more about how untrusting and closed off I am.
- I'm so tired and I'm stuck here til maybe 5 (Friday). I should stay until the golfers come in and then I can go home with my dad after he has a beer. I'm hoping they play quick, so 5:30 at latest. But still these slow 9-10 hour days are wearing on me.
- I went home, had some dinner. Talked to my mom about my papa, they're letting in more visitors per day/at the same time, said we could bring music or scents, so that seems to mean that he's not going to make it, doesn't have much longer. I thought it was due to the fall but he has pneumonia, and his breathing sounds so bad. Anyways, mom said she'd go up with me so we went after dinner. I was already crying before, just talking about it, then in the car, at the hospital, seeing him, once I start I can't stop. And he was sleeping, hooked up to oxygen, and he just looked so small and unlike him. I mean we just saw him at our place for Thanksgiving and he seemed fine, got up and down the stairs, was eating, not talking much (even if he wanted to say much it's hard to get a word in amongst my family). But he was forgetting or seemed confused during cards, but the dementia seems like it's accelerated over the past few years. He just turned 96, so obviously he has lived a long and full life. And my dad kept saying that (drunkenly) at dinner last night, and talking about pulling the plug and that's what he wants (making it about him, like usual). And yes objectively, I agree, end the suffering and go out on your own terms. But I feel like that's easier said than done, right, where it's your loved one. As we were walking out the door, my dad was sitting there and put his arm out to fistbump, to like make me feel better? IDK. Fistbump?! Really dad? That seemed appropriate? Fuck off.
- Saturday went by like a blur, I was still so anxious and sad. But BD and I made 3 trips to the halfway to clean it out and all that lifting and crap was a good distraction, then the restaurant was busy and I left just after 5. Made some kraft dinner and sauteed beyond meat ‘sausage’ and portobellos and watched some more Squid Game, I’m about halfway through, it has hooked me hard.
- Saturday also included a super fun, super angry dude that really let me have it because we didn’t have carts out and he didn’t check his email. He actually tried to pull the: “but we’re getting married here” and “we’re spending 40 grand here and this is what happens.” And I say something along the lines of: that doesn’t matter, and it has nothing to do with me or the conditions of the golf course. BD was there too and was explaining that it’s not our call and out of our control, being that it’s weather related. He said I handled it well. But like I really hate people.
- Sunday was the three man tournament, it was super up in the air and down to the last minute, because of weather and if we’d have carts out and frost delay, so it was a bit of a clusterfuck and I was very prepared for it to not happen. It was another almost 12 hour beast of a day. By the end I was just so done. We were understaffed so I stayed to help with the restaurant while B bartended for the tourney, because J wanted to leave by 6, okay… but you got here 2 hours later than me… cool, I’ll stay another hour and do your job. Excellent. So yeah, helped with some take out orders, checked people in for resos, and served some people at the bar. So friggin out of it by the end.
- Though last night did have an hour of pleasure, Björk did her 2nd of 4 orchestral shows that I bought the live stream tickets for. It was lovely with a full choir and so much fun. Stand out songs from the set were Unravel, Cosmogony, Vertebrae by Vertebrae, Who Is It and Where is the Line, oh and Oceania... that's like half the set but yeah, so enjoyable.
- So it was a late night and 6:30 wake up for work. But it was a rain out, so I just did inventory and anxiously tried to decide whether to tell people at work about my papa about how I'm struggling with this amount of shifts. I don’t know, I didn’t tell anyone yet but we'll see.
- Mom said they're just keeping him comfortable until the end now at this point, with morphine and it should happen today or tomorrow. Mom is writing his obituary, that nearly made me lose it before work this morning, seeing that on the dining room table. I also have this weird thought that if she gives that to the paper they'll misspell something like the birthday notice from last year, and how that would make my Papa so irritated considering he worked at the newspaper all his life, in printing and as the proofreader until he was almost 70.
❤