But you don't owe him shit even if he said you did
I've been having a weird anxious day.
I have been avoiding people and feelings this past week or so, because I just feel incapable of dealing.
This morning my parents told me that my sister and D and the kids are coming over swimming tomorrow because we're bougie now and have a pool heater.
And I instantly had this anxiety attack about how I don't have the time, emotional effort, or the privacy required to shave my whole body before then. It is a serious task after a fall/winter/spring as lazy as this. And I was freaked.
Last weekend my other sister and the kids were down here, the kids were in the hot tub and C and I were sitting outside chatting, watching them. And somehow body hair was brought up, like she was showing off how smooth her armpits were and I was like yeah, they're smooth. While I also mentioned that I haven't shaved mine in over a month, haven't shaved my legs in longer probably. It was also after she said I looked like I had lost weight and I just shrugged, like I don't know or really care. I don't weigh myself or even really try to do much about it. Back to the body hair though, I was saying that I don't really care, and my sister was like: "...and no one is really seeing it." Which is true, but made me so angry. Though I didn't exactly have the words to explain to her why.
It shouldn't be about anyone but me. It's my body. Bodies have hair. People can choose what they want to do with it. And maybe I will choose to leave it. I hate shaving, I have very sensitive skin and it just grows back so fast. I've been coming to terms with it. That's one of the great things about getting older, not giving as many fucks about what people think of you.
Granted, I'm not 100% there yet, obviously since I had a bitty meltdown today, nor will I probably ever be fully accepting of my body. But I'm getting there. And turning 30 soon is an interesting turning point, I'd like to keep on this accepting journey.
I keep coming back to body neutrality. It just allows me to exist in my body. I can love it some days and hate it others, I can want to change my body and I can want to stay the same, sometimes simultaneously. It just is there and functions, gets me from point A to point B, etc. It does not define me or my worth as a human being. And again, it's not for anyone else. I'm not an object and I'm not here for people's approval or attraction, especially stupid men. And I keep thinking about this in a similar way, my personal hygiene (though body hair getting lumped into hygiene is inherently stupid) does not define my worth. It doesn't make me a good or bad person.
I am fat and I am hairy. And society's double standard for women's bodies is dumb AF.
Coming to terms with this is liberating and I feel like if anyone mentions my hairy legs etc, though I seriously doubt anyone would bother to say anything. I have the vocabulary, by practicing here, to retort back in an intelligent way. Most people don't care what other people do, or don't notice things that you may fixate on, or if they do they at least have the decency to not embarrass people in public with it.
Let's normalize various bodies, folks.
2 more weeks of stay at home orders, probably will be back to work by June 3. Making the best of it!
I have been avoiding people and feelings this past week or so, because I just feel incapable of dealing.
This morning my parents told me that my sister and D and the kids are coming over swimming tomorrow because we're bougie now and have a pool heater.
And I instantly had this anxiety attack about how I don't have the time, emotional effort, or the privacy required to shave my whole body before then. It is a serious task after a fall/winter/spring as lazy as this. And I was freaked.
Last weekend my other sister and the kids were down here, the kids were in the hot tub and C and I were sitting outside chatting, watching them. And somehow body hair was brought up, like she was showing off how smooth her armpits were and I was like yeah, they're smooth. While I also mentioned that I haven't shaved mine in over a month, haven't shaved my legs in longer probably. It was also after she said I looked like I had lost weight and I just shrugged, like I don't know or really care. I don't weigh myself or even really try to do much about it. Back to the body hair though, I was saying that I don't really care, and my sister was like: "...and no one is really seeing it." Which is true, but made me so angry. Though I didn't exactly have the words to explain to her why.
It shouldn't be about anyone but me. It's my body. Bodies have hair. People can choose what they want to do with it. And maybe I will choose to leave it. I hate shaving, I have very sensitive skin and it just grows back so fast. I've been coming to terms with it. That's one of the great things about getting older, not giving as many fucks about what people think of you.
Granted, I'm not 100% there yet, obviously since I had a bitty meltdown today, nor will I probably ever be fully accepting of my body. But I'm getting there. And turning 30 soon is an interesting turning point, I'd like to keep on this accepting journey.
I keep coming back to body neutrality. It just allows me to exist in my body. I can love it some days and hate it others, I can want to change my body and I can want to stay the same, sometimes simultaneously. It just is there and functions, gets me from point A to point B, etc. It does not define me or my worth as a human being. And again, it's not for anyone else. I'm not an object and I'm not here for people's approval or attraction, especially stupid men. And I keep thinking about this in a similar way, my personal hygiene (though body hair getting lumped into hygiene is inherently stupid) does not define my worth. It doesn't make me a good or bad person.
I am fat and I am hairy. And society's double standard for women's bodies is dumb AF.
Coming to terms with this is liberating and I feel like if anyone mentions my hairy legs etc, though I seriously doubt anyone would bother to say anything. I have the vocabulary, by practicing here, to retort back in an intelligent way. Most people don't care what other people do, or don't notice things that you may fixate on, or if they do they at least have the decency to not embarrass people in public with it.
Let's normalize various bodies, folks.
2 more weeks of stay at home orders, probably will be back to work by June 3. Making the best of it!