Is it normal for people to move on to better things? But I'm still not over you
I'm so sleepy and drained these days. Trying to corral 3 kids into doing online school is a nightmare situation. 4 kids seems absolutely impossible. It's been 2 weeks since I started. This is where we're at:
The oldest is great, she is super sweet and helpful, reminds me of Emma at her age. She's getting a little too comfy with me though, like I can see how she can be a little manipulative and sneaky, and she gets a lot of headaches so I let her have a lot of breaks and do her own thing, but I think she might just be watching youtube and stuff. But we get along really well, we paint and colour a lot and she loves baking.
The boys are pains in the ass. Super sneaky and do not listen to me, climb on everything, hate online school, lie to me about what they're supposed to be doing. I don't blame them, the online stuff is bad, especially the grade 2 class, I never know what's going on, I can barely understand the teacher and she doesn't post a daily schedule. L just reads most of the time and plays lego, so at least that's somewhat productive. We're starting to connect, he loves animals and drawing. And I feel like he has classic middle child syndrome, like he's kinda sensitive and feels overlooked, and I feel like he'll probably have a future of anxiety, wanting everything to be perfect, getting really stressed and overwhelmed by pressure. Maybe just me projecting. But the last couple days we've been working on a couple assignments and we've just sat on the floor and he's leaned into me and accepted my help and actually cared about the work and told his brother to leave us alone and not distract him while he's working.
N is a whole other challenge, and needs constant reminder to stay on task, to listen, to not steal cookies. He and I do not get along, I'm so close to telling him he's a fucking asshole. He just blatantly disregards what I say, what his siblings say, what I know his mom would say. He's super rude and has so much energy. He's super smart, he's advanced for his class so I get why he's bored. But the being at home, not having a school environment is really bad for him. So distracting, making him entitled and making him misbehave in ways he clearly wouldn't if he was in school.
Most days when I'm done, I get in the car and just blast my angsty playlist. This song is my go-to, Yer Killin Me by Remo Drive, its lyrics speak to how much rage I need to release when I leave their house:
I don't wanna fucking be here anymore.
I'm leaving forever, if you'll miss me, whatever, I don't care.
I'm tired of your face and the way that you hate everything.
You make me want to start smoking
Cigarettes so I die slowly
Anything that's bad for me
Yer killing me
Yer killing me
This week was 3.5 days. It was a lot. I really can't wait for them to go back to school, mid February hopefully. I think they might want me to keep helping them, either before school or after and I think I could handle that. If it works out okay with my potential GC schedule. But once I get back into regular GC work I will have to tell them I can't, I warned them of this.
I haven't been paid yet. She said she would etransfer, like text it to me, but it never came. And now I feel awkward bringing it up.
Yesterday being the bell let's talk day brought up a couple things. The GC posted a nice post thanking the team for our resiliency and strength, and posted our headshots and group photos. Dad and I were discussing it, and I tried to explain the let's talk thing, and about mental health in general. And it was the first time in like nearly 5+ years that I've even remotely mentioned my mental illness and he slightly acknowledged it kinda. But that was it, no further discussion. at. all. End of story. It was like, there, that's what it's about and you can't do it. You can't talk to me about it and I very clearly can't talk about it with you, I had this thought that maybe I could once the words came out of my mouth, thinking if he responds I could maybe elaborate, but nope just an acknowledgement of it existing and no follow up comments or questions. I shouldn't be surprised at all. The more I read about it the more I feel like he fits into the category of having narcissistic personality disorder.
I'm having a lazy day. Should be doing laundry and cleaning my room because clearly I can't do it on weekdays because of this babysitting gig. But I'm just not feeling like anything.
I miss my friends. I miss my grandparents, should really call them, I feel like my Papa won't even remember me at this point and that is terrifying. So I put it off. My great aunt Marion passed away this week, so I really need to be better at keeping in touch with my grandma.
Need to value my down time before I don't have any.
The oldest is great, she is super sweet and helpful, reminds me of Emma at her age. She's getting a little too comfy with me though, like I can see how she can be a little manipulative and sneaky, and she gets a lot of headaches so I let her have a lot of breaks and do her own thing, but I think she might just be watching youtube and stuff. But we get along really well, we paint and colour a lot and she loves baking.
The boys are pains in the ass. Super sneaky and do not listen to me, climb on everything, hate online school, lie to me about what they're supposed to be doing. I don't blame them, the online stuff is bad, especially the grade 2 class, I never know what's going on, I can barely understand the teacher and she doesn't post a daily schedule. L just reads most of the time and plays lego, so at least that's somewhat productive. We're starting to connect, he loves animals and drawing. And I feel like he has classic middle child syndrome, like he's kinda sensitive and feels overlooked, and I feel like he'll probably have a future of anxiety, wanting everything to be perfect, getting really stressed and overwhelmed by pressure. Maybe just me projecting. But the last couple days we've been working on a couple assignments and we've just sat on the floor and he's leaned into me and accepted my help and actually cared about the work and told his brother to leave us alone and not distract him while he's working.
N is a whole other challenge, and needs constant reminder to stay on task, to listen, to not steal cookies. He and I do not get along, I'm so close to telling him he's a fucking asshole. He just blatantly disregards what I say, what his siblings say, what I know his mom would say. He's super rude and has so much energy. He's super smart, he's advanced for his class so I get why he's bored. But the being at home, not having a school environment is really bad for him. So distracting, making him entitled and making him misbehave in ways he clearly wouldn't if he was in school.
Most days when I'm done, I get in the car and just blast my angsty playlist. This song is my go-to, Yer Killin Me by Remo Drive, its lyrics speak to how much rage I need to release when I leave their house:
I don't wanna fucking be here anymore.
I'm leaving forever, if you'll miss me, whatever, I don't care.
I'm tired of your face and the way that you hate everything.
You make me want to start smoking
Cigarettes so I die slowly
Anything that's bad for me
Yer killing me
Yer killing me
This week was 3.5 days. It was a lot. I really can't wait for them to go back to school, mid February hopefully. I think they might want me to keep helping them, either before school or after and I think I could handle that. If it works out okay with my potential GC schedule. But once I get back into regular GC work I will have to tell them I can't, I warned them of this.
I haven't been paid yet. She said she would etransfer, like text it to me, but it never came. And now I feel awkward bringing it up.
Yesterday being the bell let's talk day brought up a couple things. The GC posted a nice post thanking the team for our resiliency and strength, and posted our headshots and group photos. Dad and I were discussing it, and I tried to explain the let's talk thing, and about mental health in general. And it was the first time in like nearly 5+ years that I've even remotely mentioned my mental illness and he slightly acknowledged it kinda. But that was it, no further discussion. at. all. End of story. It was like, there, that's what it's about and you can't do it. You can't talk to me about it and I very clearly can't talk about it with you, I had this thought that maybe I could once the words came out of my mouth, thinking if he responds I could maybe elaborate, but nope just an acknowledgement of it existing and no follow up comments or questions. I shouldn't be surprised at all. The more I read about it the more I feel like he fits into the category of having narcissistic personality disorder.
I'm having a lazy day. Should be doing laundry and cleaning my room because clearly I can't do it on weekdays because of this babysitting gig. But I'm just not feeling like anything.
I miss my friends. I miss my grandparents, should really call them, I feel like my Papa won't even remember me at this point and that is terrifying. So I put it off. My great aunt Marion passed away this week, so I really need to be better at keeping in touch with my grandma.
Need to value my down time before I don't have any.