Having to change others.
Well, I was watching FtM videos on youtube and on guy was sort of making a rant about lesbians. I identified as a lesbian before accepting that I'm FtM. Thinking back on my childhood when I was attracted to guys, I think the attraction to them was more about wanting to be accepted by them.
When I was in grade three I only had two friends, a girl and a boy. I was equal, and I hadn't hit puberty yet. I was androgynous with long hair to characterize me as a girl because it was what my parents wanted. I didn't realize that I was allowed to choose my own hairstyle.
When one of my friends moved, the other one sort of stopped talking to me and then he transfered to another school and returned a few years later. Grade four I had a couple of friends, most of which were male. The other kids in my class always claimed that we were dating (I was eight/nine in that year, so proves how odd my childhood was.) I can't remember when, but the boy I was friends with moved and the heckling stopped. A girl moved to the town and we became friends so I was left alone, again. And you have to realize that when I wasn't socially interacting, I was making up people and imagining that I was the most accepted (they were all males.) And then of course there was the next door neighbours.
I would always play with them when I was a kid. Up until around grade six. But we'd always make up these random adventures and generally, I'd pretend to be male. It was never questioned for some reason, but accepted.
(Brackets, here. Well, I haven't been around much mostly because... Zane... hasn't really needed me. It's going to be odd calling him Zane after years of calling him Kélen.) Well, at least you have the pronouns somewhat mastered. (That is true. Though I didn't refer to you as she often.) Indeed. Though, what do you think of the name? (It seems to suit you. I don't know why you'd go with my Body name.) Because you're part of me? (Though it doesn't make me you.) I guess. Oh vell, I guess I'm close enough. (Alexander/Alex/Zane and Alecto.) Oh yeah... Also, two people have asked me about the name change on facebook, and they seem to understand and accept it without quite coming out and asking about it.
In grade five, I thought I was attracted to this boy. He was attractive, but an asshole. There wasn't anything really to him. But I tried to get closer to him. And in doing that, I tried to be accepted by him and his friends (all the other boys in the class). And how I did that was by joining them in their "ritualistic" jackpot playing. Throw a ball towards a group of kids, one of them tries to catch it. I'd never held a baseball glove before then, but I had courage enough to try. I couldn't catch it, but they were nice enough to teach me how to do it. That, in my mind, is the first time I felt accepted by males. They generally teach each other tricks and tips on how to be better at something so it's more fun. At the very end of that first lunch hour, I managed to not catch the ball once while we were playing jackpot. But two boys were throwing it to one another and I didn't realize, but I saw the ball and I caught it. I was as surprised as much as they were and I think that if I hadn't caught it, I wouldn't have been accepted at all. So, for about the next three months, I played ball with them, even joined the softball team at my school. I think I must've been trying to just feel accepted by the male group instead of ignored/ousted/regarded as a girl that they thought was creepy.
I don't really want to mention grade six.
Grade seven was when all the girls had to be friends with the girls. It was easy enough to be accepted by them. I wasn't attracted to any male until grade nine. I didn't feel the urge to be accepted by them because they were all childish. I regarded them as little children, with disdain. The girls, despite their petty tiffs with one another, seemed like a lot better choice than the males. That was the year I let myself accept that I was truly sexually attracted to females and didn't find myself feeling like I could be accepted by the males.
Grade eight was the height of my crush on Steph. After the stupid tiff my group of friends had at the end of grade seven, Steph decided to distance herself from the friend who was causing conflict. Thus, it became a close-knit group of three.
Grade nine. I moved again, and didn't see the need to be accepted as male because the people in the school sort of saw me as one anyway. The girls were a close-knit group, again, and I had no problems being accepted by them. Though I only dated one of them, a few of them were attracted to me.
Grade ten, I started high school again, and had started to date Megan. However, I didn't feel the need to be accepted by anyone because, well, I already was, by my group of friends.
Grade eleven is the year I've come to terms with my gender.
Grade eleven is the year that people are going to have to stop seeing Megan and I as lesbians, but as a straight couple. Even though Megan's never specified her sexuality to anyone, the general populace sees her as a lesbian because she's dated me for a year +. I have to get used to a new name, and a new social standing; Megan also has to deal with these implications. She is dating a female bodied male. Even though we've both been wondering about why our thinking and feelings are different, she still has to get used to this idea.
But I think she is getting used to it. I won't mention the context, but on Friday there was a moment where I felt ultra-male and Megan saw me as male. She told me that it just makes sense. And, even though a part of her is trying to make sense of body/mind differences, there will only be more moments and instances like it until, hopefully, one day she'll see me as male without a questioning in her mind.
When I was in grade three I only had two friends, a girl and a boy. I was equal, and I hadn't hit puberty yet. I was androgynous with long hair to characterize me as a girl because it was what my parents wanted. I didn't realize that I was allowed to choose my own hairstyle.
When one of my friends moved, the other one sort of stopped talking to me and then he transfered to another school and returned a few years later. Grade four I had a couple of friends, most of which were male. The other kids in my class always claimed that we were dating (I was eight/nine in that year, so proves how odd my childhood was.) I can't remember when, but the boy I was friends with moved and the heckling stopped. A girl moved to the town and we became friends so I was left alone, again. And you have to realize that when I wasn't socially interacting, I was making up people and imagining that I was the most accepted (they were all males.) And then of course there was the next door neighbours.
I would always play with them when I was a kid. Up until around grade six. But we'd always make up these random adventures and generally, I'd pretend to be male. It was never questioned for some reason, but accepted.
(Brackets, here. Well, I haven't been around much mostly because... Zane... hasn't really needed me. It's going to be odd calling him Zane after years of calling him Kélen.) Well, at least you have the pronouns somewhat mastered. (That is true. Though I didn't refer to you as she often.) Indeed. Though, what do you think of the name? (It seems to suit you. I don't know why you'd go with my Body name.) Because you're part of me? (Though it doesn't make me you.) I guess. Oh vell, I guess I'm close enough. (Alexander/Alex/Zane and Alecto.) Oh yeah... Also, two people have asked me about the name change on facebook, and they seem to understand and accept it without quite coming out and asking about it.
In grade five, I thought I was attracted to this boy. He was attractive, but an asshole. There wasn't anything really to him. But I tried to get closer to him. And in doing that, I tried to be accepted by him and his friends (all the other boys in the class). And how I did that was by joining them in their "ritualistic" jackpot playing. Throw a ball towards a group of kids, one of them tries to catch it. I'd never held a baseball glove before then, but I had courage enough to try. I couldn't catch it, but they were nice enough to teach me how to do it. That, in my mind, is the first time I felt accepted by males. They generally teach each other tricks and tips on how to be better at something so it's more fun. At the very end of that first lunch hour, I managed to not catch the ball once while we were playing jackpot. But two boys were throwing it to one another and I didn't realize, but I saw the ball and I caught it. I was as surprised as much as they were and I think that if I hadn't caught it, I wouldn't have been accepted at all. So, for about the next three months, I played ball with them, even joined the softball team at my school. I think I must've been trying to just feel accepted by the male group instead of ignored/ousted/regarded as a girl that they thought was creepy.
I don't really want to mention grade six.
Grade seven was when all the girls had to be friends with the girls. It was easy enough to be accepted by them. I wasn't attracted to any male until grade nine. I didn't feel the urge to be accepted by them because they were all childish. I regarded them as little children, with disdain. The girls, despite their petty tiffs with one another, seemed like a lot better choice than the males. That was the year I let myself accept that I was truly sexually attracted to females and didn't find myself feeling like I could be accepted by the males.
Grade eight was the height of my crush on Steph. After the stupid tiff my group of friends had at the end of grade seven, Steph decided to distance herself from the friend who was causing conflict. Thus, it became a close-knit group of three.
Grade nine. I moved again, and didn't see the need to be accepted as male because the people in the school sort of saw me as one anyway. The girls were a close-knit group, again, and I had no problems being accepted by them. Though I only dated one of them, a few of them were attracted to me.
Grade ten, I started high school again, and had started to date Megan. However, I didn't feel the need to be accepted by anyone because, well, I already was, by my group of friends.
Grade eleven is the year I've come to terms with my gender.
Grade eleven is the year that people are going to have to stop seeing Megan and I as lesbians, but as a straight couple. Even though Megan's never specified her sexuality to anyone, the general populace sees her as a lesbian because she's dated me for a year +. I have to get used to a new name, and a new social standing; Megan also has to deal with these implications. She is dating a female bodied male. Even though we've both been wondering about why our thinking and feelings are different, she still has to get used to this idea.
But I think she is getting used to it. I won't mention the context, but on Friday there was a moment where I felt ultra-male and Megan saw me as male. She told me that it just makes sense. And, even though a part of her is trying to make sense of body/mind differences, there will only be more moments and instances like it until, hopefully, one day she'll see me as male without a questioning in her mind.