Sleeeeepy
And that's why I'm writing this, in an effort to wake up. Part of this is med related... part of it is that I'm not sleeping well from coughing and drainage and various things, and I worry that I'm keeping Matt up too. Flying in a few days is going to be a bitch.
Cael was not feeling well yesterday. Everything was hard. At one point, during his second nap, he came over and wasn't happy. I offered to hold him for a bit and he sort of draped himself across me. There's a particular comfort that comes from holding a small, largely boneless child, and it hit me then that Cael is not just the kid of someone I love, but he's my kid now too. He's my stepson, of which the important part is "my son." And that being a mom to him while he's with us is the right thing to do. It was a very strange feeling, knowing suddenly that this kiddo is mine to care for.
It was, of course, followed immediately by waves of crushing guilt, because I HAVE two sons, and shouldn't I be spending all my mom mojo on them? It's a false comparison, naturally, because they're older. They don't need me to pick them up and hold them while they're sleepy, nor would they really want me to do so. Even if I were there, being a mom to them is different.
I dunno. I don't think there's a way around this. My boys aren't small... it's harder for Matt to connect to them as a result. For that alone, I wish we'd met romantically years earlier, when we first moved to Seattle rather than when we did. Then again, that's wishing for something that never was, for had we met then, he wouldn't have been free to really love me and vice versa. But his kids are small and their needs are more immediate and more concrete, and everything's closer to the surface. He doesn't have to be apart from his kids and around mine most of the time... and so he doesn't have that same feeling, I think, either of attachment or guilt. And I wouldn't want him to, really... it just means that I'm kind of on my own with this.
Blargh.
In other news, still knitting. Have to make progress on my paper today. Have to get some reading done. Have to read my paper to someone too. Busy day. Still sleepy. We'll see if I can set aside the latter to deal with the former.
Cael was not feeling well yesterday. Everything was hard. At one point, during his second nap, he came over and wasn't happy. I offered to hold him for a bit and he sort of draped himself across me. There's a particular comfort that comes from holding a small, largely boneless child, and it hit me then that Cael is not just the kid of someone I love, but he's my kid now too. He's my stepson, of which the important part is "my son." And that being a mom to him while he's with us is the right thing to do. It was a very strange feeling, knowing suddenly that this kiddo is mine to care for.
It was, of course, followed immediately by waves of crushing guilt, because I HAVE two sons, and shouldn't I be spending all my mom mojo on them? It's a false comparison, naturally, because they're older. They don't need me to pick them up and hold them while they're sleepy, nor would they really want me to do so. Even if I were there, being a mom to them is different.
I dunno. I don't think there's a way around this. My boys aren't small... it's harder for Matt to connect to them as a result. For that alone, I wish we'd met romantically years earlier, when we first moved to Seattle rather than when we did. Then again, that's wishing for something that never was, for had we met then, he wouldn't have been free to really love me and vice versa. But his kids are small and their needs are more immediate and more concrete, and everything's closer to the surface. He doesn't have to be apart from his kids and around mine most of the time... and so he doesn't have that same feeling, I think, either of attachment or guilt. And I wouldn't want him to, really... it just means that I'm kind of on my own with this.
Blargh.
In other news, still knitting. Have to make progress on my paper today. Have to get some reading done. Have to read my paper to someone too. Busy day. Still sleepy. We'll see if I can set aside the latter to deal with the former.