Jan 06, 2014 01:09
I'm cranky this evening for lots of reasons. Some of them are learn-y though. Diving deep don'tchya know. I took some blue lotus. I hope that will mellow out the crank part a bit.
I was told I'm neurotic the other day after telling someone about a weirdish issue. I'm looking into that. I think I prefer the term skittish. That's definitely true in an arena or two (one of them is sad :-( but neurotic - which pushes close to potential sexism when applied to a woman, but I'm trying to listen to what's beneath that - might be somewhat true in the way this person meant it. If someone says something, I like to look at it and evaluate it as objectively as possible. Learny, learny. It kinda butts up against my fears that my um non-privileged life might have damaged me too much and has made me too weird to go out with normalish people.
Should I hide my stuff? I don't really want to. I want to be able to talk about my experiences and their effects. I want to be open and honest. Also, a lot of my experience contains trauma and cruelty. What do I do? Not talk about my life? I don't have another life to talk about. I just have this one in which a lot of shit has happened to me that I didn't deserve or ask for. While I work hard to manage my shit, I'm still a human being who's susceptible to the same processes of conditioning and learning that are organic to the human brain that learns through doing and experience. I want to be able to talk about my life and my experiences and just be heard without having it be a big deal. I very much want to be myself and have rships with people who like and want that.
I work hard to manage and push down the residual demons. If I didn't, I'd never speak to another human being again -- ever. I grew up an abused kid in a dysfunctional home. I was bullied and friendless as a child. Later in life, I experienced lots of mean, dysfunctional shit in adult rships. A lot of what I know about social things, I've learned from listening to people talk on the Internet. I observe and try to model what would be healthy behavior based on those observations of how others live & do things because it didn't come to me in conventional ways as it did them.
I don't want to be ashamed of my stuff. I want people to accept me as me, accept my experiences as just that and not hold them against me. There's definitely a vibe of neuro-privlilege in culture. But, I get it. No one's looking for their Damaged Dream Woman. People want to trade up, naturally. Most people aren't all "Wow! You're so fucked up! Let's make out!"
I do like people from what I term "The Hurting Tribe". I've kind of hoped I'd find someone there who would understand & we could help each other when needed and just be kinder to one another. I tried going out with a person from a seemingly normal background. That didn't workout so well. Seems you can have a normal background and still act like an ass! Ha! Who knew?! But then sometimes people from the tribe will hurt others because they're fucked and that's what they know.
Oh Willis! Please don't poo in my clean socks basket. Please! It is a true fact that cats with intestinal cancer do gross... shit. Ahhh... Happily he's just hanging out in it being cute. He got in a big carrier bad and tried to do a deed, but the deed didn't come out. Sometimes cats with intestinal cancer don't do gross shit. But it is in the nature of all cats to shed on clean laundry. It's in the bi-laws and everything. He is so cute in that basket!!!
I think the whole Willis' impending death thing is making me extra volatile. Some dude douched out on the road & I was like instantly ready to rip out his trachea and sodomize him with it. Whoa. It's also made me extra sensitive to stuff. Plus, for the last while I had access to some happy making things for which we are wired and then for the last err smaller, but still eternal seeming while I have not. I've long said I wish I were more... what's the word I'm looking for... open... kinda. Open to more things, not open as a person. In many arenas I'm wide open, more so than most. In others arenas, less so. Way less so.
So as you kittens know... I could ramble on for page upon page, but I'm starting to feel the calls of sleep and when I feel them callz, I'd best heed 'em lest I end up up in insomnia land for much of the moon.
Yay rambling and not editing! Sometimes, when one works as a professional writer... one must relax one's fucks and not give them.
'night Homekittens!