(no subject)
This rumination came from a number of places. One, I blame the steroids the doctors gave me combat my chest infection (which, by the way, hasn't dissipated entirely. I plan to get that checked out when I see real doctors (and have regular health insurance) because they gave me crazy energy and made me want to do stuff all the time and two, I realize that the world is supposed to be my oyster and was supposed to be that way for a long time and that oyster has an expiration date that I am scared is coming too soon.
I feel like it's been a challenge trying to enjoy myself here. Most college students study abroad to basically have a good time and party in another country. I just wanted to travel and experience other cultures bu found quite the opposite. Rather than being a break from real life, my life has been more real here than ever before. Is it my age that is bringing this on or is it the reality of just...everything...I guess. That last sentence was a bit cryptic. I don't know what I meant by it either. Either way, I feel like I'm having trouble maturing into someone my age. I guess there's really nothing to compare it to because other people my age are probably just as lost as I am. I simply feel like when someone faces something traumatic they tend to not mentally progress passed that time in their life. Or like old women who wish they were still in high school. Glory days? I'm scared that is happening to me. And on that note, I felt like I had purpose coming into this trip. I thought I had a career path, a good education, a future. But the events of my being here, my failures at my internship, classes and attendance, going to clubs: it all makes me fear I'm not going to do anything great with my life. Like, am I going to make a difference? In the media, which is important for my internship, models and actors and musicians have all mad ea name for themselves by the time they're 21. It's like, before now, I thought I'd have time to become famous or do anything I wanted. I never wanted to go to Hollywood or anything but I mean, I never hit the expiration date so there was always the possibility for change.
I realize this is a common feeling for everyone as they get older and these really aren't feelings I should be having right now but they exist and it troubles me. I feel like all my windows are closing and there isn't any escape. I don't want to be old or tired. Really it's because I don't want to be unambitious but what can I even do in this world? I am so average and above all else, I am utterly alone just like everyone else. which means there is absolutely no hope of finding anyone.
I feel like it's been a challenge trying to enjoy myself here. Most college students study abroad to basically have a good time and party in another country. I just wanted to travel and experience other cultures bu found quite the opposite. Rather than being a break from real life, my life has been more real here than ever before. Is it my age that is bringing this on or is it the reality of just...everything...I guess. That last sentence was a bit cryptic. I don't know what I meant by it either. Either way, I feel like I'm having trouble maturing into someone my age. I guess there's really nothing to compare it to because other people my age are probably just as lost as I am. I simply feel like when someone faces something traumatic they tend to not mentally progress passed that time in their life. Or like old women who wish they were still in high school. Glory days? I'm scared that is happening to me. And on that note, I felt like I had purpose coming into this trip. I thought I had a career path, a good education, a future. But the events of my being here, my failures at my internship, classes and attendance, going to clubs: it all makes me fear I'm not going to do anything great with my life. Like, am I going to make a difference? In the media, which is important for my internship, models and actors and musicians have all mad ea name for themselves by the time they're 21. It's like, before now, I thought I'd have time to become famous or do anything I wanted. I never wanted to go to Hollywood or anything but I mean, I never hit the expiration date so there was always the possibility for change.
I realize this is a common feeling for everyone as they get older and these really aren't feelings I should be having right now but they exist and it troubles me. I feel like all my windows are closing and there isn't any escape. I don't want to be old or tired. Really it's because I don't want to be unambitious but what can I even do in this world? I am so average and above all else, I am utterly alone just like everyone else. which means there is absolutely no hope of finding anyone.