Dearest and Most Wonderful Michael....
Yes, it's me.
I know I haven't written for awhile, but if you have paid the slightest bit of attention, which you have ALWAYS done, you will know that you have never been far from my thoughts, and never once have you left my heart, or been shut out of it.
This isn't easy, is it, Honey? This is not the simplest thing in the world to figure out. I know that the events since your departure have been passing strange, and full of contradiction, and beyond what we expected.
Honey, I want to let you know something...and I want you to hear me, OK? Don't fuck with the Mommy! Just LISTEN, you hard-headed man, and listen good...
I love you. I will ALWAYS love you. And I may be mad as hell that you're not here to hear that, but I love you still, Godz help me, and that will never and can never change.
I am so very grateful for all you did for me. I am so very thankful that you opened me up, and that you made me strong, and that you opened doors for me that I never thought would be open again. I am grateful that you loved me, and that you let me love you. And I am so very grateful for the wild adventure that was our loving each other--for the absolutely exquisite beauty of being loved by you.
And I am so very grateful that you helped me let Paul into my heart--that you said, "GO DO IT". I know what a generous thing that was for you to do, and that your desire to see me do it was probably the highest proof of your love for me. But you want me taken care of, and you want my life to be full of love, and that nothing gave you and gives you more pleasure than to see me happy.
We saw you here on handfasting day--all of us saw you. Fedor and me and Paul. And we felt you stand between us and join our hands, and give your blessing to us, and we felt your joy. And no, for all that anyone may think, you know, you HAVE to know, that you were far from forgotten that day. There was a reason the circle was cast to include your cairn, Love--and you were there, and part of it.
I love him, Michael--you know that. But you also know that my heart is roomy enough for two. And the both of you live there, in complete harmony. And as strange as it may sound to anyone but Paul and me and you, it is you who fuels my love for him, and it is he who fuels my love for you. I cannot choose between you, and I won't.
I want you to be at peace, Love. I want so much for you to know that I'm OK. I have felt your outrage at my pain and those who would harm me over the last few days, and I want you to put that to bed now, OK? It's all going to be OK. I'm working on those things left unresolved here, and I have lots of help. I know that you do not blame me, even when I blame myself, and you are not part of the pain I feel when I think of this. You have never led me to believe that you feel in any way hurt or angry about my part in this, but have always striven to let me know that this was something that could not be laid in my lap. And I am coming to the realization that you're suffering with my suffering, and so, if I love you, I have to put it to an end.
There are those who do not approve of what I do--two in particular that I can think of. And you know what? That's fine--because YOU approve of me. And I approve of you, too--even when I am so pissed at you I could scream. Even when I miss you so much that the only thing I can feel is anger and pain--know that my anger and pain come just from my complete sadness at having lost you after so little time.
Michael--I am so very grateful for the time you spent with me, I want you to know that. That I would not have traded that time with you for anything except a little MORE time. I hate it that you are gone, yes--but I am so glad that you were here. And, given the opportunity to do it all again, I would--in a heartbeat. Because a little bit of you was so much better than none at all.
I know you didn't want to leave--any more than I wanted you to go. And I know that you would have done anything to be able to stay--just as you know I would have done anything to keep you. We can forgive each other this thing--I know we can.
And in the meantime, I want you to know that you are alive in my heart. I am loving the people you loved, and in that way keeping your love alive FOR you. I will not fail you in this--I will not let you down. I will love them as you loved them, and I will carry on loving them for as long as you would have--which is, no doubt, into eternity.
And I want to thank you for one other thing--thank you for loving Paul. Thank you for befriending him, and making him a part of the great love you have for all good people. Thank you for your blessing--it means more to both of us than you could possibly know. And thank you for delivering me into his hands in full confidence that he will carry on loving me as you did, and that this thing is good and right.
Forgive those who hurt me, Honey. Forgive us all our failings. Be at peace that I am safe and loved and out of harm's way--because I am. And let go your grief, because you have not left us--you will ALWAYS be with us, so long as you live inside us. No one blames you--it is just something that happened that couldn't be helped, and we still love you, no matter what.
All of us do.
Now, go to sleep, Darling--let your mind be at ease and your heart be filled with joy that you are so deeply loved. Be at peace, because you are not forgotten, and you are most wonderfully embraced by the hearts of many who still hold you up as an example of what real love is all about.
I love you. I am proud to be loved by you. And that never changes, no matter what.
Love,
Your Sweetling
I know I haven't written for awhile, but if you have paid the slightest bit of attention, which you have ALWAYS done, you will know that you have never been far from my thoughts, and never once have you left my heart, or been shut out of it.
This isn't easy, is it, Honey? This is not the simplest thing in the world to figure out. I know that the events since your departure have been passing strange, and full of contradiction, and beyond what we expected.
Honey, I want to let you know something...and I want you to hear me, OK? Don't fuck with the Mommy! Just LISTEN, you hard-headed man, and listen good...
I love you. I will ALWAYS love you. And I may be mad as hell that you're not here to hear that, but I love you still, Godz help me, and that will never and can never change.
I am so very grateful for all you did for me. I am so very thankful that you opened me up, and that you made me strong, and that you opened doors for me that I never thought would be open again. I am grateful that you loved me, and that you let me love you. And I am so very grateful for the wild adventure that was our loving each other--for the absolutely exquisite beauty of being loved by you.
And I am so very grateful that you helped me let Paul into my heart--that you said, "GO DO IT". I know what a generous thing that was for you to do, and that your desire to see me do it was probably the highest proof of your love for me. But you want me taken care of, and you want my life to be full of love, and that nothing gave you and gives you more pleasure than to see me happy.
We saw you here on handfasting day--all of us saw you. Fedor and me and Paul. And we felt you stand between us and join our hands, and give your blessing to us, and we felt your joy. And no, for all that anyone may think, you know, you HAVE to know, that you were far from forgotten that day. There was a reason the circle was cast to include your cairn, Love--and you were there, and part of it.
I love him, Michael--you know that. But you also know that my heart is roomy enough for two. And the both of you live there, in complete harmony. And as strange as it may sound to anyone but Paul and me and you, it is you who fuels my love for him, and it is he who fuels my love for you. I cannot choose between you, and I won't.
I want you to be at peace, Love. I want so much for you to know that I'm OK. I have felt your outrage at my pain and those who would harm me over the last few days, and I want you to put that to bed now, OK? It's all going to be OK. I'm working on those things left unresolved here, and I have lots of help. I know that you do not blame me, even when I blame myself, and you are not part of the pain I feel when I think of this. You have never led me to believe that you feel in any way hurt or angry about my part in this, but have always striven to let me know that this was something that could not be laid in my lap. And I am coming to the realization that you're suffering with my suffering, and so, if I love you, I have to put it to an end.
There are those who do not approve of what I do--two in particular that I can think of. And you know what? That's fine--because YOU approve of me. And I approve of you, too--even when I am so pissed at you I could scream. Even when I miss you so much that the only thing I can feel is anger and pain--know that my anger and pain come just from my complete sadness at having lost you after so little time.
Michael--I am so very grateful for the time you spent with me, I want you to know that. That I would not have traded that time with you for anything except a little MORE time. I hate it that you are gone, yes--but I am so glad that you were here. And, given the opportunity to do it all again, I would--in a heartbeat. Because a little bit of you was so much better than none at all.
I know you didn't want to leave--any more than I wanted you to go. And I know that you would have done anything to be able to stay--just as you know I would have done anything to keep you. We can forgive each other this thing--I know we can.
And in the meantime, I want you to know that you are alive in my heart. I am loving the people you loved, and in that way keeping your love alive FOR you. I will not fail you in this--I will not let you down. I will love them as you loved them, and I will carry on loving them for as long as you would have--which is, no doubt, into eternity.
And I want to thank you for one other thing--thank you for loving Paul. Thank you for befriending him, and making him a part of the great love you have for all good people. Thank you for your blessing--it means more to both of us than you could possibly know. And thank you for delivering me into his hands in full confidence that he will carry on loving me as you did, and that this thing is good and right.
Forgive those who hurt me, Honey. Forgive us all our failings. Be at peace that I am safe and loved and out of harm's way--because I am. And let go your grief, because you have not left us--you will ALWAYS be with us, so long as you live inside us. No one blames you--it is just something that happened that couldn't be helped, and we still love you, no matter what.
All of us do.
Now, go to sleep, Darling--let your mind be at ease and your heart be filled with joy that you are so deeply loved. Be at peace, because you are not forgotten, and you are most wonderfully embraced by the hearts of many who still hold you up as an example of what real love is all about.
I love you. I am proud to be loved by you. And that never changes, no matter what.
Love,
Your Sweetling