Not a mea culpa...well, maybe sort of....

[anahata56]

I haven't been here in a long, LONG time. And I can't say that I am apologizing for that, because I think that the time away has been good--for me, and maybe a little for you, too

Comments

[anahata56]

Oh, I don't think it was a mistake! And I think that I may just be ready to come back a little more. But no, I have to say, I'm not going to miss the person I was here--and I hope you don't, either, because I have to tell you, she was one unhappy woman. I don't want to be that unhappy again. I don't want to lie awake at night and replay those painful exchanges over and over and over again. I don't want that reputation. I don't want anyone, ever again, to feel like they have to take it upon themselves to outline my sins and my foibles and the hurt I cause in order to protect people from me. I can't begin to tell you how humiliating that was for me. That doesn't feel good, Margo, and I think the thing I like best about hanging out in Facebook is that no one is scared of me. That's not going to happen again, because I'm just not important enough for it to happen. No one is intimidated by me. I am seen in perspective, and those folks are grown up enough to know that I can't hurt them...and if I do hurt them, it's probably an accident.

I don't like being held up in the public square as a bad example. I actually don't much care to be held up in the public square at ALL, for good OR ill. I just like being seen as someone who makes a positive contribution, right along with everyone else. And I can do that here, I suppose, on a larger scale than in the confines of Facebook...but I wonder, now, if I really CAN, because of all the ways I shot myself in the foot before. The internet never forgets, and I wonder if there will always be SOMEONE around who will remember that person, no matter how much I change or evolve or whatever it is that happened to me. I wonder about that.

I guess only time will tell. But I'll give it another whack, at least from time to time--promise!

[saavik]

Like Sy says in his comment below, I didn't find you to be a fire-breather either. If people were ever afraid of you, it was probably because they did not want to see in themselves the things you made plain. That's not so bad a reputation to have, IMO.
OTOH, I'm glad that you feel comfortable and accepted amongst the family and friends of your youth and you seem to find nothing but positives in it. I can't help wonder though, how much of yourself you have to squelch in order to fit in. Y'see I tried that route long ago and it almost destroyed me and everything that mattered to me. And it was 99% my fault because I was desperate to finally find a "home", not realizing that I already had one and carried it within and beside me. (Hmmm, is that melodramatic enough? {;>))

I'm quite sure there are many people who think I'm a terrible person too, but **shrug** you can't please everyone and it would drive me mad to try...It reminds me of the period you went through when we all "knew" you had real concerns in your life, but you posted all that pollyanna upbeat stuff for weeks! Eventually, I'm happy to say, you came to your senses and you were just *you* again. That *you* is an inspiration to me because of your clarity and honesty and courage, even when we disagreed, which we did sometimes.
It's been a long time since events came together so we could see each other IRL, and see how we've evolved. But I'll be happy to see you here or on FB, as the time unfolds...