I know, I know....

[anahata56]

It's been a long time since I've been here. In all honesty, life has been busy at best, crushingly so at worst. And I've found myself in this wordless place--probably because I've found myself in a place that has had life and circumstances swirling so madly around me that there has been no space to think a thought, let alone craft a sentence worthy

Comments

[moropus]

You just explained everything that has ever been wrong with me and my parents. Er, make that me and most of my life. I didn't know what the problem was. May I write down a few highlights and show them to my therapist? Nothing too personal. Just the general idea.

Also, if your Dad is in a care institute forever, you might consider changing your phone number, and calling his carers to see how he is, rather than being raked over the coals every day.

Take a vacation from your Dad, as it were.

[anahata56]

You can take the whole thing! I don't mind!

I don't know what the status is of his stay at Manor Care, to be honest. Because, you see, there is nothing wrong with him--at least not anymore, and at least not physically. His problem is the "donwannas". He made himself sick, because he doesn't WANT to take care of himself. But the deal is that if he doesn't take care of himself at home, then he can't BE home. But if it's simply a question of WILL, then there is no medical reason for him to be in a skilled nursing facility--and he won't HEAR of going anywhere else.

I have to invoke the power of the social worker on this one. Because I'm not going to give up my life--it's not possible, and even if it was, I don't WANT to. I can be just as "donwanna" as HE can, on that level. But the thing is, it's not RIGHT for him to expect it. It's not RIGHT for him to even WANT it.

It's not going to happen--but Frank suggests that I let the social worker and the folks in the facility be the bad guys on this one, and I'm just as happy to do that.

[saavik]

If he is capable of making himself physically sick because he "donwanna", I would imagine that the social worker and the doctors at the care facility will take that into consideration as a mental (ie cognitive) malfunction. It may well be a sign of encroaching dementia, Belle, when he can't make appropriate decisions about personal hygiene to the point of malnutrition, dehydration and impacted bowels.

The social workers and the people at the facility may be the bad guys in your Dad's eyes, but their decision to keep him there would be absolutely the correct one.

[anahata56]

To be honest, that's the way I think about it, too--if the incapacity finds its roots in simple stubbornness, and not in actual PHYSICAL incapacity, it seems to me that the end result is the same--he CANNOT take care of himself, even if it's only his WILL that's standing in the way.

I'm hoping that the medical folks see it that way as well.

[saavik]

Belle, I think there is nothing "simple" about a stubborness that goes to such extremes that it endangers his health and/or life.

My Dad was evaluated twice over 2 years by a geriatric team - Physicians, Psychiatrists, Occupational and Physical Therapists, Pharmacists. I remember being shocked and angry on his behalf when they told us they had to have his driver's license suspended because his cognition was fubared. But by the time the second set of evaluations were done, it was obvious that he could not function without 24 hr help.

I suspect it will be the same in your Dad's case. I hope it will be, for all your sakes. My biggest fear became that my Dad would do something in one of his 'moods' that would harm not just himself but anybody around him, because in that frame of mind, he just didn't care! *shudders*

[moropus]

Thanks. On considerable thought conditions for love are rather widespread, aren't they?

At your Dad's age, if he donwanna that bad, he's in the right place.

Its a serious depression, at the very least. How long was he married to your mom? Maybe he can't cope without her. Some can, some can't.

I hope he get better.