I know, I know....
It's been a long time since I've been here. In all honesty, life has been busy at best, crushingly so at worst. And I've found myself in this wordless place--probably because I've found myself in a place that has had life and circumstances swirling so madly around me that there has been no space to think a thought, let alone craft a sentence worthy
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I'm actually glad you said this, because that's something of a revelation. The only way that I can truly love them unconditionally is when I reach a point where I can love them with no expectations of getting their approval or love in return. And the only way I can do that is to establish boundaries regarding how much power they have over my life.
It's hard, though--because I really do believe that children come into the world wanting to please their parents. But at the same time, a child also struggles to become independent of its parents--because that's the natural order of things. So if independence is something a parent can't approve of, then a child is continually punished for doing precisely what is in its nature to do--which is the RIGHT thing for it to do.
So...to love them unconditionally, guilt has to go out the window. Boundaries have to be clearly established, within myself, regarding what the family will and will not be allowed to do. Control has to be taken back. And the way to take control back IS to love them unconditionally--without expecting approval or love that they are clearly incapable of giving.
Very interesting.
I thought I was demonstrating unconditional love by simply doing what I was told--but that's not it at all. The way to do it is to BE who I really am, without expecting them to accept it, and loving them anyway.
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Dave and I managed to establish a very large one by moving 400 miles away and only seeing our parents 3 or 4 times a year. Even then, by the 3rd day, there was always a predictable difference of opinion and a massive argument *every time*. By the time my parents had to move here because they could not cope without help, I had some hope that if we could see each other frequently on a more casual basis, we might have a less stressed relationship. No such luck.
It got to the point that they came right out and told me that I, as a child, owed them my loyalty and obedience over everyone else, including Dave! They were a bit taken aback when I actually laughed at such an outrageous declaration and told them that that was easy for them to say since they hadn't even lived on the same *continent* as their parents for most of their lives.
Kind of hard to love people who deliberately try to inflict such pain. Is it too much to expect someone I love not to abuse me?
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There are people that I love who are very hard to love, and people that I love who are remarkably easy to love. If I choose to love them, I choose to love them no matter if they are easy or difficult. I choose to love what it is in them that I love, in spite of some quirks of personality that sometimes makes that difficult.
This is easier to do with our friends than it is to do with our parents, because, as I said before, I don't think it's unreasonable for a child to expect their parents to love them. But sometimes we find that this is too huge an expectation--at least, it is to expect them to love us in a way that we'd like to be loved. At that crossroads, we make our choices again--do we choose to love them? And if we do, do we choose to love them as they are, or do we choose to love them with the hope that they will be different from what they are?
Once again, I don't think that love should ever be given out of obligation or duty. But at the same time, if we choose to love them, then we, if we are to do the right thing for US, is to love them as they are...and to draw boundaries within ourselves regarding what abuse will be tolerated and what won't.
I may print out this whole thread and take it to Frank next week! ;-)
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"I may print out this whole thread and take it to Frank next week!"
*smiles* I'd be curious to know what he says.
Maybe we can arrange an on-line group counseling session? {;>D
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When Paul and I got married, we discussed this (in the context of marriage, of course). And one of the things we talked about was the commitment that was expected of those who were entering into marriage--that "sickness and health, better and worse" clause. And the thing is, I know that there have been times when one or the other of us could have made our lives very much easier by splitting--at least, I certainly know that there have been times when I wouldn't have blamed HIM in the least if he had packed a duffle and shuffled on me. But the thing is...that's not the way it works. When you love someone, then there are certain choices that you make surrounding that love. Some of them have to do with commitment, some of them have to do with boundaries, and some of them have to do with behaviors. The choice, then, may not be about the emotion so much as how that emotion is going to compel you to behave. And no matter what your emotions are, the behaviors are most definitely a choice. So yeah--you love who you love, emotionally, but if that love is going to be somehow meaningful, and certainly if the relationship is going to last, then the emotion gives rise to and lends motivation to loving behaviors, even when the emotion isn't readily evident.
There are times when it's very, very difficult to feel love, even for a person that you do love. In those times, love still exists--in the way you behave in spite of how you're feeling. And the way you behave is most definitely a choice.
I wouldn't expect Paul to feel the same things for me when I'm being horrible as he does when I'm being a good wife--but he always, ALWAYS behaves as if he does. Because that is his choice.
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Um, I could probably say more on this, but I would just be re-phrasing what you said here.
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Then I have not been guilty of loving them conditionally, because I have never zoomed on any of their asses--not even once.
So even with my expectations in place, the behavior has always exhibited unconditional love.
Which means that the expectations are an issue that I have to resolve for me more than for them--because they have benefitted from demonstrations of unconditional love, even when that is not what I have felt.
Huh--this is untangling in a very interesting way...
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