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[anahata56]

On Friday, Barb The Home Care Nurse (she takes care of both Mother AND me at this point) called me from Mom and Dad's house to let me know that Mom was running a fever of 101.6. Their doctor's office was closed for the day (which is a whole 'NOTHER issue, that may or may not be expanded upon later), and Mother was so weak that she probably could

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[kestrels_nest]

And the fact that it was everyone in the family, and that all of you dropped everything to gather, hasn't even made a dent in his resentment. I'm so sorry.

You did what you had to do. If your dad is like my grandfather, (and my mother now) anything less would simply have been relegated to "that's nice for folks who can't manage anymore, but I'm fine", all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding. And knowing you did what you had to do...it still sucks. HUGS.

[anahata56]

Yup--my aunt and uncle in from NJ, my brother and sister-in-law up from the Eastern Shore--no less than 3 hours for either of them. So it isn't like everyone took a walk around the block to get there.

My Dad has already told me that he can't manage my mother's medical and mobility issues--but he can manage his own. He is overwhelmed, depressed and exhausted by the things that are happening to her, but he rightfully believes that he could do it all if he was only managing himself. But the truth is, I admit completely that I've been enabling him in that delusion by getting him help with the lawn and the snow and the household handyman crap by locating people who can do that. So he thinks he's managing. But the truth is, he's managing with help, and he isn't seeing that

[kestrels_nest]

And grief, in a man of that generation, often expresses itself as anger.

I understand the problem of roots. I was a mess when we left Indy. We'd only been in our house 10 years...but I'm an airforce brat, and that 10 years was longest I'd ever lived in one structure or one city my whole life. We owned it, and it was finally safe to let the roots grow. I can scarcely imagine what it would feel like to come out of that sort of background and stay put for 50 years.

If he could mostly manage if it was only him but he knows he can't give her the care she needs any longer, might it help to frame it as a way for him and your mother to stay together? I'd venture she's as much where his roots are as the house itself. And is there an assisted living place in or near their current neighborhood?

I'm sorry. You've undoubtedly thought of all this. I probably should just stop with hugs.

[anahata56]

I'm a big believer in brainstorming--all suggestions gratefully accepted! ;-)

I would never dream of moving them far away, and fortunately for us, we live in a rural and established enough part of the state to be very attractive to seniors, and thus there are a lot of options. The population of PA is aging rapidly--we have a LOT of seniors here. And that's a good thing, in the end, because I think that the area is well used to them, and providing a lot of places for them to live

[kestrels_nest]

I don't want them to leave the house only to be slammed into a hellhole somewhere. But the only way that can happen is to make the choice themselves.

I'm trying to convince my mother of that. Right now she's stuck on "you want to put me away", because I inquired about options for a room with a small garden and a french door at the nursing home where my da was. I told her no, I wanted to know what the options were before I had 24 hours to make a decision, as we'd had to do with Gramps and later with da.

Is your dad resistant to even taking a tour, with no obligation attached? And might it help to promise to keep up the house and furniture, except for what they need in the new place, to keep open the option to return if they don't like it?

[anahata56]

One of the things I want to find out is if they have such a thing as "temporary respite". If I can use my own medical issues right now as a reason for them to go in for a month or so, on a temporary basis just until I'm completely on my feet again, that would give them the opportunity to try it out on a temporary basis, just to see what it's like. That would be a good way for them to see that it's not so bad, and that I'm not trying to "dump" them.

I've been particularly aggravated by the fact that I haven't been able to help them out as much as I'd like to--hell, I can't even go sit with her in the hospital at this point because I still have an open wound, and it isn't advisable for me to be in the hospital with the kind of bacteria floating around over there in my condition. But if I can use what's going on with me to BENEFIT them, then maybe it's all for the best.