I don't even know how to title this.
I wish I had time/energy to post about good shit going in my life. Because there's a lot of that and it's wonderful and deserves to be recorded. But no, I seem to just revert to posting here when the bad shit happens.
Right now "the bad shit" is my ex-wife, her essay on Medium about consent (which I will not link to), and my hyper-triggered reaction to accidentally encountering it by way of a friend's Facebook post.
I have no fault with the topic, nor the writing on the surface of it. C is a fantastic writer. I loved her once for it. The essay itself is well-written and has some great observations about the weird liminal spaces between an enthusiastic yes and a flat no that can crop up w/r/t consent. These are important things to consider. I just... don't think she's the right person to deliver this message, considering our decade-plus long relationship and what ultimately ended it almost exactly a decade ago.
I'm not at all saying I am blameless in what went down. One of the hardest things I've had to come to terms with in the time since was the fact that I had perpetuated multiple consent violations within that relationship. Sure, I have defenses and reasons for them, but they still happened, they had impact, and I am responsible for those. Because of that, It would never occur to me to present myself as an authority on establishing, enforcing, encouraging or respecting proper boundaries. I don't necessarily feel like my past problems with it would disqualify me entirely from speaking on the matter, but I do not feel that I am in any position to instruct on how to do it properly. Maybe if I presented it from the perspective of having fucked this up royally in the past it would be some semblance of acceptable, but I feel like it would run the risk of being a mea culpa and not an effective addition to the conversation.
If the essay in question is any measure, C remembers my failings as well. She has also clearly and conveniently either forgotten her own, or is choosing to omit them from her presented narrative. I'm not ultimately angry they've written the thing? It would be a great piece from anyone else. But because my experiences with her run counter to how she is presented in her written work, plus the fact that she clearly states her desire to get her perspective out into the wider world, my initial reaction to it was to spend a good portion of my morning at my desk, trying to quiet my shaking hands and the dim threat of violently losing my breakfast. Several hours and a cooler head later, I am not sure this reaction was incorrect.
The question I am left with; is the message worthless if the messenger is less than perfect? This calls to my mind other important topics in the news regarding the correctness of supporting and enjoying art made by people later revealed to be at best deeply flawed and at worst morally reprehensible people, but also how common a tactic it is to find any means of discrediting a victim of abuse brave enough to come forward and how one must be a "perfect victim" to retain any credibility against a perpetrator with more power and/or social capital. In light of the above, does C's essay lose all value to the greater conversation? And if the message indeed has value and serves the greater good, does that mean that my response to it does not? I honestly do not have an answer.
A gray area between yes and no, indeed.
Leaving public, disabling comments.
This entry was originally posted at https://anagramofbrat.dreamwidth.org/1483625.html.
Right now "the bad shit" is my ex-wife, her essay on Medium about consent (which I will not link to), and my hyper-triggered reaction to accidentally encountering it by way of a friend's Facebook post.
I have no fault with the topic, nor the writing on the surface of it. C is a fantastic writer. I loved her once for it. The essay itself is well-written and has some great observations about the weird liminal spaces between an enthusiastic yes and a flat no that can crop up w/r/t consent. These are important things to consider. I just... don't think she's the right person to deliver this message, considering our decade-plus long relationship and what ultimately ended it almost exactly a decade ago.
I'm not at all saying I am blameless in what went down. One of the hardest things I've had to come to terms with in the time since was the fact that I had perpetuated multiple consent violations within that relationship. Sure, I have defenses and reasons for them, but they still happened, they had impact, and I am responsible for those. Because of that, It would never occur to me to present myself as an authority on establishing, enforcing, encouraging or respecting proper boundaries. I don't necessarily feel like my past problems with it would disqualify me entirely from speaking on the matter, but I do not feel that I am in any position to instruct on how to do it properly. Maybe if I presented it from the perspective of having fucked this up royally in the past it would be some semblance of acceptable, but I feel like it would run the risk of being a mea culpa and not an effective addition to the conversation.
If the essay in question is any measure, C remembers my failings as well. She has also clearly and conveniently either forgotten her own, or is choosing to omit them from her presented narrative. I'm not ultimately angry they've written the thing? It would be a great piece from anyone else. But because my experiences with her run counter to how she is presented in her written work, plus the fact that she clearly states her desire to get her perspective out into the wider world, my initial reaction to it was to spend a good portion of my morning at my desk, trying to quiet my shaking hands and the dim threat of violently losing my breakfast. Several hours and a cooler head later, I am not sure this reaction was incorrect.
The question I am left with; is the message worthless if the messenger is less than perfect? This calls to my mind other important topics in the news regarding the correctness of supporting and enjoying art made by people later revealed to be at best deeply flawed and at worst morally reprehensible people, but also how common a tactic it is to find any means of discrediting a victim of abuse brave enough to come forward and how one must be a "perfect victim" to retain any credibility against a perpetrator with more power and/or social capital. In light of the above, does C's essay lose all value to the greater conversation? And if the message indeed has value and serves the greater good, does that mean that my response to it does not? I honestly do not have an answer.
A gray area between yes and no, indeed.
Leaving public, disabling comments.
This entry was originally posted at https://anagramofbrat.dreamwidth.org/1483625.html.