FIC: Amaryllis - Chapter 25: Fake
Title: Amaryllis - Chapter 25 - Fake
Author: Anae
Beta: Tegthe (Thanks a bunch again!)
Fandom: Uragiri wa boku no namae wo shitteiru - Betrayal knows my name
Characters/pairing: Shusei/Hotsuma
Rating: eventual M/NC-17 (because it's gonna take while - boys need to grow up, plus well, manga wasn't too helpful for hot scenes)
Spoilers: overall thorough the manga/anime
Disclaimer: After finishing and re-working with this, I would deserve the boys, but no. Not mine. The song used belongs to Shinedown.
Summary: Both Shusei and Hotsuma struggled with their fates, with themselves ever since they were kids. This is how it happened - how two children grew up to be Zweilts, partners, and eventually, grew to understand and love each other.
A/N: About the chapter... I have to tell you, before I started re-reading the manga for this fic, I wouldn't have considered mentioning anything about "eating disorder". If you doubt it, go re-read it, and try to meet and talk with someone who has hard time eating when it feels like the world comes crushing down. (I sometimes do. Really rarely, but eating at that time? No thank you. (It isn't eating disorder, btw. I am okay with my body, in case you were wondering.)) My point being, mentality can and will affect each of us differently. Somebody eats more, somebody loses his appetite. Some get even worse. In case you disagree with me about this when it comes to Shusei, it's fine. This is only mentioned in this chapter, mostly to point out how bad things actually are for Shusei. Poor boy.
Hope you like the chapter, angsty as it is!
Ps. Do you know the symbolic meaning of Amaryllis? "Success won after a struggle."
Chapter 25 - Fake
But I'm bleeding, and my hands are bruised
From the grip that I once had on you
And I'm open for a new way
Because there's not much more that I can fake
It was a little after Yuki's arrival to the Twilight Mansion that Shusei finally realized the wreck his body had become. They had shared a dinner together among all the habitants of the house - Takashiro and his butler not included, the man was too busy. By forcing himself, Shusei had managed to get quite a few bites down his throat, which was a good thing - mainly because it lessened the worries of the others'.
What Shusei didn't expect, was to find himself in the bathroom a little over an hour later, unceremoniously throwing up, emptying his stomach of nearly all the food he had swallowed during the dinner.
It was a stroke of luck that Hotsuma had decided to take a bath - that way he didn't see the wreck Shusei was.
After emptying his stomach and successfully destroying the evidence - flushing the toilet and spraying some product, especially made for the toilet, in the air - he went to the sofas. As he landed on the soft mattress, he brought his hand to cover his closed eyes.
Shusei didn't possess knowledge of when things had gotten this bad - he had never eaten much in his life, and the amount of food has just decreased during the last months since he just hadn't been hungry. But for his body to react to a normal meal like this…
Shusei was aware that it wasn't anorexia or bulimia at least - he didn't see his body as something it wasn't, and he didn't eat a lot just to throw up later - no, it was something else.
But it was with no doubt a product of his mind. And whatever it was, it was seriously bad, that went without saying.
Despite all this, the brunette was set on not speaking about it to anyone - if he did, he would be faced with all sorts of questions he didn't want to think about, and there was a high possibility that he would need to go to see a therapist.
Which wouldn't help - Shusei knew that much. There was no way he could put his complex feelings - the feelings that were eating him up from the inside - to words, let alone speak them to someone he didn't know.
Moreover, with luck, his body would need to hold on just a couple of months more, maybe less, depending on how quickly Yuki would realize that Hotsuma needed him.
Shusei let his hand slip down as he kept his eyes closed. Just a couple of months, he told himself, just a couple of months and it will all be over. With luck, even less.
Vaguely, Shusei realized that despite the pain that stabbed through his chest whenever he thought of parting ways with Hotsuma, everything ending for him might not be so bad.
It shouldn't have been such a comforting thought as it was.
Swallowed by these thoughts, without realizing it, Shusei fell asleep on the sofa.
"Shusei?"
The brunette boy was awoken by his partner's voice. As he opened his eyes, he saw the familiar figure standing a few steps away, a towel on his shoulders. Quick glance outside told him that he had indeed fallen asleep - it had been late evening when they had finished dinner, so now it was early night.
At least he hadn't slept more than a couple of hours.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah", Shusei answered, not yet pushing himself up from the sofa as his hand came to cover his eyes. This was bad - true enough, he hadn't slept well in the last days - wait, make that months - so it was no wonder his body would just crash down from sheer exhaustion, but he hadn't expected it just yet.
Not like this, at least. He had successfully kept it all a secret from the others - even from his partner, despite the fact that they lived together - and it was frighteningly easy. But right now, he needed just a little time to readjust his mask. "I think I fell asleep."
With his eyes still closed, Shusei didn't see but heard his partner close the distance between them. The sofa let out a soft creek as Hotsuma sat on it, next to Shusei. "It's not like you." The blonde brought his hand to Shusei's temple, checking his body temperature. "Huh, at least you don't have a fever. More like you're freezing!"
That wasn't exactly the case - while Shusei didn't have a fever, he wasn't freezing either. His body temperature was just significantly lower than Hotsuma's, who wielded fire.
"I told you, I'm fine." Shusei opened his eyes, realizing it was a mistake after he did. Instead of being satisfied with regularly checking the fever, the blonde pressed their foreheads together and touched his partner's neck - just to check the temperature.
"Liar", the blonde told Shusei. "Your pulse is really fast."
Yes it was, but not exactly because of the reason Hotsuma was thinking.
Not being exactly in the best state of mind, Shusei brought his hand to Hotsuma's cheek, fingers carefully tracing the skin before coming to play with his partner's hair.
"Shusei?"
Shusei did hear his partner, but chose to ignore it as the back of his fingers played with Hotsuma's skin. His eyes were on his partner's lips - how would it feel to touch them, to kiss them? To claim Hotsuma as his in this lifetime?
Shusei had had to admit it to himself quite a while ago - that he didn't want just friendship. He desired Hotsuma, body and soul, so much it sometimes felt painful to stand by the other boy. But he couldn't put that into words - not in the way Hotsuma wouldn't get angry and misunderstand.
Besides, even if he could somehow make Hotsuma understand his words, the fear of being rejected still lingered. Even if they were partners, fought together and protected each other, it didn't mean they would share their private lives as well.
Rather than being told that, rather than being rejected, Shusei stayed away.
But at times like this, when Hotsuma was so close, melting the icy barriers he had built up with care, it wasn't that easy - his mind still remembered what it was like to be held by this soul, even if his current body didn't know.
"Shusei?"
Uneasiness had crept its way into Hotsuma's voice - there was nothing like fear there, but the uneasiness stayed. In addition to that, the way the boy stiffened under the gentle touches was enough for Shusei to feel a bang of guilt in his chest.
When you couldn't go neither back nor forward, there was just one option left - to claim it all a play.
Never mind that it was nothing like that in the first place.
"What?" Shusei withdrew his hand, looking his partner in the eye, his own emotions carefully hidden behind the mask he wore - finally, the mask was in place again, and there was no need to fear that Hotsuma would see through it.
"You thought that I would kiss you?" There was a careful layer of mischief in the brunette's voice and eyes as he spoke.
"Wha- Who would think that!"
Now that Hotsuma's temper was getting the better of him and his anger was rising, Shusei could count himself being on the safe waters again. With little work, he was able to get the younger boy to rise and let him up as well.
Shusei brushed his partner's hand as he rose up, eyes gleaming as he met Hotsuma's angry gaze. "Don't worry, I won't do anything like that."
Because that's not what you want.
Ignoring his partner's seemingly angry rant about being treated like a girl, as if he was someone of Shusei's previous girlfriends - well, the truth was that Shusei had gone out with two or so since they approached him, just to treat and explain to the poor girls that he already had someone he liked a lot - Shusei told him good night and slipped into his own room.
After closing the door, Shusei just stood with his back against it for a while, looking out into the darkening night from the small window above his bed.
Without thinking much, Shusei found himself tracing his lips with his fingers. Despite the promise he had just made, he couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to press his lips upon Hotsuma's.
How would it feel like to kiss him?
Author: Anae
Beta: Tegthe (Thanks a bunch again!)
Fandom: Uragiri wa boku no namae wo shitteiru - Betrayal knows my name
Characters/pairing: Shusei/Hotsuma
Rating: eventual M/NC-17 (because it's gonna take while - boys need to grow up, plus well, manga wasn't too helpful for hot scenes)
Spoilers: overall thorough the manga/anime
Disclaimer: After finishing and re-working with this, I would deserve the boys, but no. Not mine. The song used belongs to Shinedown.
Summary: Both Shusei and Hotsuma struggled with their fates, with themselves ever since they were kids. This is how it happened - how two children grew up to be Zweilts, partners, and eventually, grew to understand and love each other.
A/N: About the chapter... I have to tell you, before I started re-reading the manga for this fic, I wouldn't have considered mentioning anything about "eating disorder". If you doubt it, go re-read it, and try to meet and talk with someone who has hard time eating when it feels like the world comes crushing down. (I sometimes do. Really rarely, but eating at that time? No thank you. (It isn't eating disorder, btw. I am okay with my body, in case you were wondering.)) My point being, mentality can and will affect each of us differently. Somebody eats more, somebody loses his appetite. Some get even worse. In case you disagree with me about this when it comes to Shusei, it's fine. This is only mentioned in this chapter, mostly to point out how bad things actually are for Shusei. Poor boy.
Hope you like the chapter, angsty as it is!
Ps. Do you know the symbolic meaning of Amaryllis? "Success won after a struggle."
Chapter 25 - Fake
But I'm bleeding, and my hands are bruised
From the grip that I once had on you
And I'm open for a new way
Because there's not much more that I can fake
It was a little after Yuki's arrival to the Twilight Mansion that Shusei finally realized the wreck his body had become. They had shared a dinner together among all the habitants of the house - Takashiro and his butler not included, the man was too busy. By forcing himself, Shusei had managed to get quite a few bites down his throat, which was a good thing - mainly because it lessened the worries of the others'.
What Shusei didn't expect, was to find himself in the bathroom a little over an hour later, unceremoniously throwing up, emptying his stomach of nearly all the food he had swallowed during the dinner.
It was a stroke of luck that Hotsuma had decided to take a bath - that way he didn't see the wreck Shusei was.
After emptying his stomach and successfully destroying the evidence - flushing the toilet and spraying some product, especially made for the toilet, in the air - he went to the sofas. As he landed on the soft mattress, he brought his hand to cover his closed eyes.
Shusei didn't possess knowledge of when things had gotten this bad - he had never eaten much in his life, and the amount of food has just decreased during the last months since he just hadn't been hungry. But for his body to react to a normal meal like this…
Shusei was aware that it wasn't anorexia or bulimia at least - he didn't see his body as something it wasn't, and he didn't eat a lot just to throw up later - no, it was something else.
But it was with no doubt a product of his mind. And whatever it was, it was seriously bad, that went without saying.
Despite all this, the brunette was set on not speaking about it to anyone - if he did, he would be faced with all sorts of questions he didn't want to think about, and there was a high possibility that he would need to go to see a therapist.
Which wouldn't help - Shusei knew that much. There was no way he could put his complex feelings - the feelings that were eating him up from the inside - to words, let alone speak them to someone he didn't know.
Moreover, with luck, his body would need to hold on just a couple of months more, maybe less, depending on how quickly Yuki would realize that Hotsuma needed him.
Shusei let his hand slip down as he kept his eyes closed. Just a couple of months, he told himself, just a couple of months and it will all be over. With luck, even less.
Vaguely, Shusei realized that despite the pain that stabbed through his chest whenever he thought of parting ways with Hotsuma, everything ending for him might not be so bad.
It shouldn't have been such a comforting thought as it was.
Swallowed by these thoughts, without realizing it, Shusei fell asleep on the sofa.
"Shusei?"
The brunette boy was awoken by his partner's voice. As he opened his eyes, he saw the familiar figure standing a few steps away, a towel on his shoulders. Quick glance outside told him that he had indeed fallen asleep - it had been late evening when they had finished dinner, so now it was early night.
At least he hadn't slept more than a couple of hours.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah", Shusei answered, not yet pushing himself up from the sofa as his hand came to cover his eyes. This was bad - true enough, he hadn't slept well in the last days - wait, make that months - so it was no wonder his body would just crash down from sheer exhaustion, but he hadn't expected it just yet.
Not like this, at least. He had successfully kept it all a secret from the others - even from his partner, despite the fact that they lived together - and it was frighteningly easy. But right now, he needed just a little time to readjust his mask. "I think I fell asleep."
With his eyes still closed, Shusei didn't see but heard his partner close the distance between them. The sofa let out a soft creek as Hotsuma sat on it, next to Shusei. "It's not like you." The blonde brought his hand to Shusei's temple, checking his body temperature. "Huh, at least you don't have a fever. More like you're freezing!"
That wasn't exactly the case - while Shusei didn't have a fever, he wasn't freezing either. His body temperature was just significantly lower than Hotsuma's, who wielded fire.
"I told you, I'm fine." Shusei opened his eyes, realizing it was a mistake after he did. Instead of being satisfied with regularly checking the fever, the blonde pressed their foreheads together and touched his partner's neck - just to check the temperature.
"Liar", the blonde told Shusei. "Your pulse is really fast."
Yes it was, but not exactly because of the reason Hotsuma was thinking.
Not being exactly in the best state of mind, Shusei brought his hand to Hotsuma's cheek, fingers carefully tracing the skin before coming to play with his partner's hair.
"Shusei?"
Shusei did hear his partner, but chose to ignore it as the back of his fingers played with Hotsuma's skin. His eyes were on his partner's lips - how would it feel to touch them, to kiss them? To claim Hotsuma as his in this lifetime?
Shusei had had to admit it to himself quite a while ago - that he didn't want just friendship. He desired Hotsuma, body and soul, so much it sometimes felt painful to stand by the other boy. But he couldn't put that into words - not in the way Hotsuma wouldn't get angry and misunderstand.
Besides, even if he could somehow make Hotsuma understand his words, the fear of being rejected still lingered. Even if they were partners, fought together and protected each other, it didn't mean they would share their private lives as well.
Rather than being told that, rather than being rejected, Shusei stayed away.
But at times like this, when Hotsuma was so close, melting the icy barriers he had built up with care, it wasn't that easy - his mind still remembered what it was like to be held by this soul, even if his current body didn't know.
"Shusei?"
Uneasiness had crept its way into Hotsuma's voice - there was nothing like fear there, but the uneasiness stayed. In addition to that, the way the boy stiffened under the gentle touches was enough for Shusei to feel a bang of guilt in his chest.
When you couldn't go neither back nor forward, there was just one option left - to claim it all a play.
Never mind that it was nothing like that in the first place.
"What?" Shusei withdrew his hand, looking his partner in the eye, his own emotions carefully hidden behind the mask he wore - finally, the mask was in place again, and there was no need to fear that Hotsuma would see through it.
"You thought that I would kiss you?" There was a careful layer of mischief in the brunette's voice and eyes as he spoke.
"Wha- Who would think that!"
Now that Hotsuma's temper was getting the better of him and his anger was rising, Shusei could count himself being on the safe waters again. With little work, he was able to get the younger boy to rise and let him up as well.
Shusei brushed his partner's hand as he rose up, eyes gleaming as he met Hotsuma's angry gaze. "Don't worry, I won't do anything like that."
Because that's not what you want.
Ignoring his partner's seemingly angry rant about being treated like a girl, as if he was someone of Shusei's previous girlfriends - well, the truth was that Shusei had gone out with two or so since they approached him, just to treat and explain to the poor girls that he already had someone he liked a lot - Shusei told him good night and slipped into his own room.
After closing the door, Shusei just stood with his back against it for a while, looking out into the darkening night from the small window above his bed.
Without thinking much, Shusei found himself tracing his lips with his fingers. Despite the promise he had just made, he couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to press his lips upon Hotsuma's.
How would it feel like to kiss him?