Loser Feelings
Ok, that was unexpected.
After some time without meetings in my local comm, a group called "victorian picnic" organized a meet-up with a gothic dresscode. The idea seemed nice, I wanted to dress up, and since I was promoted (?) to mod in our local group, I felt the need to go.
There I went, four petticoats for my gothic lolita and a parasol under the sun. Two buses later, I had to go by walking.
I'VE NEVER SEEN MY CITY ACT SO HARSHLY TOWARDS ME.
People screaming and laughing on the streets, asking if it was going to rain, calling me a witch and staring.
But ok, I moved on, kept walking and got to the place we were going to meet.
The hours took long to pass.
I felt like a terrible loser there. I felt like I had the obligation to talk, but at the same time, I didn't want to interact with those people I was feeling uneasy with. I think the place was a bad choice - A TERRIBLE CHOICE, I think most people just dressed up with whatever they had and that was it. I think we have too much improvisation and too little planning. I think we're kinda trying too hard but we keep looking terrible.
Honestly, the best dressed person was one of the guys - the one who's been quite a while in the same scene as me, with his dandy jackets and coats and jabots and all. He's really caring and interested in the fashion, but he's even shyer than me, and we talked really little.
I spend all the time I could with one of the girls (that is usually in our lolita meet-ups but wasn't wearing loli this time), showing her the place around, and talking with the guy who brought a violin (I'm REALLY sorry, he can't be called a "violinist" yet). I avoided talking with other people as much as I could, and when I talked - with another lolita, only - it was all about meetups, planning, our scene, etc.
I was feeling terrible for BEING AROUND PEOPLE, terrible for being dressed in such a dumb, lazy way (I spend only about one hour dressing up - I didn't do anything with my hair, I wore pretty much no makeup at all). I didn't allow anyone to take full-body pictures of me, or pics of me alone. I ended up realizing that I hate having pictures taken.
Both my sister and my boyfriend called me, each inviting me to do something different, but I messed up the conversations, mixed english with portuguese with german, sounded dumb, got the wrong bus just to get rid of the person I had by my side and ended up home, crying. I didn't want to see anyone, I just wanted to disappear.
My boyfriend thankfully took good care of me, giving me some food and icecream (I felt sick and dizzy and hot during the meet-up/picnic and didn't drink or eat anything) and watching some animation to lighten up my humour. Things were so much better later. It's just a pity that I couldn't do to him as much good as he does for me.
Anyway, about the Loser Feelings:
I explained my feels to my sister and she said that "well, one day you'd go for this conclusion. It IS a loser thing, but we love you, we wouldn't say that to you... you'd have to find this by yourself".
My dad was more practical and advised me to sell the stuff and save the money for traveling the world.
I still think I like the clothes, I feel pretty when I dress up for work with them, with a more light-hearted feeling, as a true form of myself. I just don't like HAVING to go to meetings, trying hard to make up to other people's expectations, HAVING to impress people, comparisons, the PRESSURE to talk to other folks just because we're dressed in black and/or there's poof under our skirts.
I wanna dress freely, feel pretty and enjoy the things I buy with my hard work, and not comparing myself to others or being exposed to environments that make me feel sick and sad. I don't wanna feel like a loser.
