and a fireplace?
we decided to indulge ourselves the other day, despite the fear of future-talk. we spoke of hardwood flooring and a second floor and a yard with a tree you can climb (or at least one we can take climbing steps onto) and rounded doorways with a big kitchen and an office/studio and a place where kids can keep their toys and make messes. painting on walls and being who we are in our own space.
after the indulgence, it occurred to me that it doesn't have to be a dream.
finally.
FINALLY it clicked that not everything i want it simply a dream. that the things i dream for can be reality... i just have to work at them.
i dont' know what my mental block has been, if it was just that i didnt' honestly believe i deserved any of this or that it didn't click in that i need to work at it. perhaps i just hoped it would all land in my lap like everythign else always has.
why would i assume that my dreams would just materialize in front of me??
why not?
either way.
i have finally come to a point where i want them bad enough that i can taste them and i've realized that if i work at them, there really isn't much of a reason why they won't come true.
clearly, i'm not 100% committed to the idea, or believe in it 100%, but i'm working on that as i am on everything else.
This is called Isocratic writing.
i am writing to my intimate friend, myself, yet letting you (the public) read it. This is meant to build trust, because if i am this honest with myself, you are menat to believe what i say more.
hah. that had nothing to do with anythign other than it was very interesting.
This term started off really well, then i was exhausted this morning and slept through class. but i was up early enough to go to one of them but just couldnt' pull myself out of my brain enough to go.
this will NOT happen again. Last term was AWFUL for that. my brain is trying to sabotage me because graduation is at hand this april and it scares the shit out of me.
I will not be graduating with what i thought i'd be graduating with.
The honours thing didn't happen as i thought it would. i never took the directing course i went to the uofw to take. I won't be continuing on to the national theatre school in montreal... that one's not necessarily true.
This is all for a reason, and if i don't already know it, it will become apparent some day.
Either way, i have a lot of things in my life i am incredibly greatful for. I am figuring out ....
i am living.
not that i wasn't before, but i am more present and i am... happy.
i am happy.
wow.
happy doesn't mean the lack of sadness and misery, because those still happen, but i am still content in the misery.
my fear is subsiding because i have pulled its fists and screaming voice into my chest and i am holding her and petting her and telling her everything will be alright.
everything will be alright.
everything IS alright.
i have no reason to believe life won't work out the way i always imagined.
i have an amazing girlfriend. wonderful friends. beautiful children. (yes, they feel like mine so i may as well call them that...eek) a lot of life left to live.
this year is merely the beginning of many many more wonderful years.
ocean, i miss you and hope to see you soon.
until then, breathe for me. dance for me. dance to sun sets and sunrises. wash away the pains of strangers coming to you and sitting on the rocks and wood you gift us with every day. Remember me as i remember you.
My skin remembers your name and will always and forever be thankful for the breath you gave me under the moonlight, in the rain, at sunset as i sat on your warm sand and bathed in your waves.
thank you all for all of this.
lovelove.
after the indulgence, it occurred to me that it doesn't have to be a dream.
finally.
FINALLY it clicked that not everything i want it simply a dream. that the things i dream for can be reality... i just have to work at them.
i dont' know what my mental block has been, if it was just that i didnt' honestly believe i deserved any of this or that it didn't click in that i need to work at it. perhaps i just hoped it would all land in my lap like everythign else always has.
why would i assume that my dreams would just materialize in front of me??
why not?
either way.
i have finally come to a point where i want them bad enough that i can taste them and i've realized that if i work at them, there really isn't much of a reason why they won't come true.
clearly, i'm not 100% committed to the idea, or believe in it 100%, but i'm working on that as i am on everything else.
This is called Isocratic writing.
i am writing to my intimate friend, myself, yet letting you (the public) read it. This is meant to build trust, because if i am this honest with myself, you are menat to believe what i say more.
hah. that had nothing to do with anythign other than it was very interesting.
This term started off really well, then i was exhausted this morning and slept through class. but i was up early enough to go to one of them but just couldnt' pull myself out of my brain enough to go.
this will NOT happen again. Last term was AWFUL for that. my brain is trying to sabotage me because graduation is at hand this april and it scares the shit out of me.
I will not be graduating with what i thought i'd be graduating with.
The honours thing didn't happen as i thought it would. i never took the directing course i went to the uofw to take. I won't be continuing on to the national theatre school in montreal... that one's not necessarily true.
This is all for a reason, and if i don't already know it, it will become apparent some day.
Either way, i have a lot of things in my life i am incredibly greatful for. I am figuring out ....
i am living.
not that i wasn't before, but i am more present and i am... happy.
i am happy.
wow.
happy doesn't mean the lack of sadness and misery, because those still happen, but i am still content in the misery.
my fear is subsiding because i have pulled its fists and screaming voice into my chest and i am holding her and petting her and telling her everything will be alright.
everything will be alright.
everything IS alright.
i have no reason to believe life won't work out the way i always imagined.
i have an amazing girlfriend. wonderful friends. beautiful children. (yes, they feel like mine so i may as well call them that...eek) a lot of life left to live.
this year is merely the beginning of many many more wonderful years.
ocean, i miss you and hope to see you soon.
until then, breathe for me. dance for me. dance to sun sets and sunrises. wash away the pains of strangers coming to you and sitting on the rocks and wood you gift us with every day. Remember me as i remember you.
My skin remembers your name and will always and forever be thankful for the breath you gave me under the moonlight, in the rain, at sunset as i sat on your warm sand and bathed in your waves.
thank you all for all of this.
lovelove.