J/S Prompt Fic #5: Once more, with unicorns (crack)
Title: Once more, with unicorns
For: dreamt
Words: About 880
Prompt: injury, pets, cuteness, confession, unlikely situations
Notes: With those prompts, I just had to go back to running with the Jayne-has-a-unicorn theme. I actually really hate myself right now. Sequel to One Day in Cerulean Township
Disclaimer: Clearly I claim no ownership to the Firefly 'verse or its characters; nor am I making money from this fic writing thing.
"See, the thing is," Jayne whispered, "I ain't never had a pet before. Well. Not one that lived for a long time." It was shameful, that's what it was. He still got real sad when he thought of Ratty, the little rat his sister went and found one day. They'd tried to feed it, kept it warm, but it had gone and died anyway. "Ma said it were real old, that's how we could catch in the first place, but I don't know." Though it never did him any good to go and start thinking of his ma as a liar.
He straightened up. "So that's why I'm thinking you two ought to go back on home. I ain't no good with animals." That and Mal was getting right twitchy every time he saw Lady and Princess. Soon enough, guns would be drawn, and Jayne ain't got nothing against guns, he just don't want one of the unicorns to get herself shot.
Kaylee would kill him.
Lady nuzzled him behind the ear. "It ain't gonna work! I ain't listenin'! We're landin' back near Cerulean Township next week, and you two're gettin' off. That's all."
Princess whuffled his hair.
"I mean it!"
Both unicorns lay down, flanking his sides. Gorram pushy bitches, always being cute and sad and innocent looking. If he hadn't seen 'em gore three goons just last week, Jayne would almost believe they were real gentle.
Almost.
"I said what I came to say," he said, struggling to push between them. Better to cut the cord nice and clean. He wouldn't miss 'em, no matter how much they trampled on folks that pissed him off.
*
The next week was hell. Gorram unicorns following him this way and that, trying to chew on his clothes, trying to get him to practice goring techniques with them (Jayne had set up a real nice dummy for that), trying to get scratches, pets, hair brushes.
He never should've let them follow him home. Damn sneaky unicorns. Mostly though, he kept his mouth shut about it. Only after Lady pushed him into Simon for the gorram fourth time did Jayne start yelling.
"You ain't helpin' yer cause! Quit followin' me!"
Princess just looked longingly at the infirmary, and Lady chewed on Jayne's shirt sleeve.
"I ain't sick! I don't need doctorin'!"
Mal said unicorns couldn't be ironic, but Jayne was pretty damn sure that Princess's whicker was ironical as hell. Not that he could figure why.
"You two are damaging my calm!" He stomped off, moving to his bunk where they couldn't follow.
*
A day before they got to Cerulean Township, the unicorns, Kaylee, Inara, and River all started moping real hard.
"Women," Mal muttered, and Jayne had to agree. Nothing but trouble. But the moping didn't stop Lady from grabbing Jayne by the arm - her teeth were real gentle, though Jayne had seen them bite a man's hand clear off - and dragging him to Simon's bunk. She nudged him inside, and somehow got the door shut behind him.
Crazy unicorn.
"Jayne?" Simon was in his sleep gear, reading in the bed.
Jayne grunted, and turned to open the door.
It was stuck.
"Do you need help?"
He shook his head. "Unicorns. Messin' with me."
"Ah. So. Do you think they have a particular reason for locking you in here?"
"I ain't a mind reader. You should ask yer sister." But now that he thought about it, they'd been shoving him practically in Simon's lap for the past week. "Ah, hell." Inara had warned him about this possibility. "Think maybe." He screwed up his face. "Think maybe they want us to sex it up."
Simon's eyebrows got real high. "I. See."
Jayne shrugged. "I can't tell you why. Mebbe they wanna watch."
"Right. Or maybe they want to record it, and sell the recording on the Cortex."
Hell. He hadn't even thought of that. Greedy unicorns, always wanting more coin. He should've guessed. Mal was going to have a field day with this.
"I'm joking, Jayne."
Oh.
"Maybe they just worry that you'll be lonely when they leave. Maybe they want to make sure you'll be happy -"
"They think being yer friend is gonna make me happy?" As if Simon would be a good replacement. He couldn't gore a man without even blinking. He couldn't sever a man's hand with his teeth. And he didn't even have good boots for stomping mercs to the ground. Only thing he had in common with the unicorns was wanting to keep clean and tidy and brushed up all the time. "Ruttin' stupid unicorns. Can't get anything right." Except the goring and severing and stomping, but that went without saying.
But Simon was pushing back the covers, and getting out of his bed. His shirt just fell right off his shoulders, and his skin gleamed in the low light.
Well, hell. It was kinda distracting.
"Do you want me to tell Lady to let you out?"
Jayne snorted. As if she'd listen. "Nah."
Later, when Simon's pants were on the other side of the room, and Jayne was about as nekkid as the day he was born, he thought maybe the gorram unicorns knew what they were doing after all.
"Sneaky, smart unicorns," he muttered against Simon's skin.
"What?"
"Nothin'," he replied, and got back to business.
For: dreamt
Words: About 880
Prompt: injury, pets, cuteness, confession, unlikely situations
Notes: With those prompts, I just had to go back to running with the Jayne-has-a-unicorn theme. I actually really hate myself right now. Sequel to One Day in Cerulean Township
Disclaimer: Clearly I claim no ownership to the Firefly 'verse or its characters; nor am I making money from this fic writing thing.
"See, the thing is," Jayne whispered, "I ain't never had a pet before. Well. Not one that lived for a long time." It was shameful, that's what it was. He still got real sad when he thought of Ratty, the little rat his sister went and found one day. They'd tried to feed it, kept it warm, but it had gone and died anyway. "Ma said it were real old, that's how we could catch in the first place, but I don't know." Though it never did him any good to go and start thinking of his ma as a liar.
He straightened up. "So that's why I'm thinking you two ought to go back on home. I ain't no good with animals." That and Mal was getting right twitchy every time he saw Lady and Princess. Soon enough, guns would be drawn, and Jayne ain't got nothing against guns, he just don't want one of the unicorns to get herself shot.
Kaylee would kill him.
Lady nuzzled him behind the ear. "It ain't gonna work! I ain't listenin'! We're landin' back near Cerulean Township next week, and you two're gettin' off. That's all."
Princess whuffled his hair.
"I mean it!"
Both unicorns lay down, flanking his sides. Gorram pushy bitches, always being cute and sad and innocent looking. If he hadn't seen 'em gore three goons just last week, Jayne would almost believe they were real gentle.
Almost.
"I said what I came to say," he said, struggling to push between them. Better to cut the cord nice and clean. He wouldn't miss 'em, no matter how much they trampled on folks that pissed him off.
*
The next week was hell. Gorram unicorns following him this way and that, trying to chew on his clothes, trying to get him to practice goring techniques with them (Jayne had set up a real nice dummy for that), trying to get scratches, pets, hair brushes.
He never should've let them follow him home. Damn sneaky unicorns. Mostly though, he kept his mouth shut about it. Only after Lady pushed him into Simon for the gorram fourth time did Jayne start yelling.
"You ain't helpin' yer cause! Quit followin' me!"
Princess just looked longingly at the infirmary, and Lady chewed on Jayne's shirt sleeve.
"I ain't sick! I don't need doctorin'!"
Mal said unicorns couldn't be ironic, but Jayne was pretty damn sure that Princess's whicker was ironical as hell. Not that he could figure why.
"You two are damaging my calm!" He stomped off, moving to his bunk where they couldn't follow.
*
A day before they got to Cerulean Township, the unicorns, Kaylee, Inara, and River all started moping real hard.
"Women," Mal muttered, and Jayne had to agree. Nothing but trouble. But the moping didn't stop Lady from grabbing Jayne by the arm - her teeth were real gentle, though Jayne had seen them bite a man's hand clear off - and dragging him to Simon's bunk. She nudged him inside, and somehow got the door shut behind him.
Crazy unicorn.
"Jayne?" Simon was in his sleep gear, reading in the bed.
Jayne grunted, and turned to open the door.
It was stuck.
"Do you need help?"
He shook his head. "Unicorns. Messin' with me."
"Ah. So. Do you think they have a particular reason for locking you in here?"
"I ain't a mind reader. You should ask yer sister." But now that he thought about it, they'd been shoving him practically in Simon's lap for the past week. "Ah, hell." Inara had warned him about this possibility. "Think maybe." He screwed up his face. "Think maybe they want us to sex it up."
Simon's eyebrows got real high. "I. See."
Jayne shrugged. "I can't tell you why. Mebbe they wanna watch."
"Right. Or maybe they want to record it, and sell the recording on the Cortex."
Hell. He hadn't even thought of that. Greedy unicorns, always wanting more coin. He should've guessed. Mal was going to have a field day with this.
"I'm joking, Jayne."
Oh.
"Maybe they just worry that you'll be lonely when they leave. Maybe they want to make sure you'll be happy -"
"They think being yer friend is gonna make me happy?" As if Simon would be a good replacement. He couldn't gore a man without even blinking. He couldn't sever a man's hand with his teeth. And he didn't even have good boots for stomping mercs to the ground. Only thing he had in common with the unicorns was wanting to keep clean and tidy and brushed up all the time. "Ruttin' stupid unicorns. Can't get anything right." Except the goring and severing and stomping, but that went without saying.
But Simon was pushing back the covers, and getting out of his bed. His shirt just fell right off his shoulders, and his skin gleamed in the low light.
Well, hell. It was kinda distracting.
"Do you want me to tell Lady to let you out?"
Jayne snorted. As if she'd listen. "Nah."
Later, when Simon's pants were on the other side of the room, and Jayne was about as nekkid as the day he was born, he thought maybe the gorram unicorns knew what they were doing after all.
"Sneaky, smart unicorns," he muttered against Simon's skin.
"What?"
"Nothin'," he replied, and got back to business.