(no subject)
Jonnie and I: Unabridged.
Alright, I feel like it was somewhat unfair of me to write so briefly on the close of mine and Jonnie's relationship. When I knew that I wasn't going to follow Jesus Christ any more, I knew that Jonnie would either a) have to make some compromises in her set of beliefs to remain with me, or b) she would break up with me. At the time, I had hoped for the first, because to me it would have suggested this overly-romantic "let's be lost together" sort of thing, which sounded nice, sure, but was kind of unrealistic. I also felt that if she broke up with me over this whole debacle that I would be alright also, because I would have allowed my cynical self to decry the rigid social and moral constructs behind romantic relationships with Christian partner, my thoughts would have read something like, "well, if she is going to break up with me over religion, then fuck it, that's fine," which is trivializing the spiritual relationships of believers, but yeah... I was angsty, it happens. So neither of these were fair to Jonnie, I understand that; the first was asking her to modify what she believed for me, the second encouraged me to adopt a slight hostility towards religion. Also, I understand that breaking up with me was not something she was at all eager to do, it was really just, at the time, an unfortunate consequence. I do not revel in the fact, or intend to flaunt that it quickly became something more fortunate, but it did, and I finally came to grips with the fact that I was living somewhat of a lie with Jonnie, not dissimilar to the lie I was living as a "Christian," and they were appropriately, even intrinsically, linked: I have said this before, that the closest I felt with Jonnie was when I felt closest to God, therefore, inversely, it makes sense that my "losing God" would allow me to comfortably and quickly get over her. I dunno, this is actually really scattered, but hopefully it makes things a bit more clear.
Alright, I feel like it was somewhat unfair of me to write so briefly on the close of mine and Jonnie's relationship. When I knew that I wasn't going to follow Jesus Christ any more, I knew that Jonnie would either a) have to make some compromises in her set of beliefs to remain with me, or b) she would break up with me. At the time, I had hoped for the first, because to me it would have suggested this overly-romantic "let's be lost together" sort of thing, which sounded nice, sure, but was kind of unrealistic. I also felt that if she broke up with me over this whole debacle that I would be alright also, because I would have allowed my cynical self to decry the rigid social and moral constructs behind romantic relationships with Christian partner, my thoughts would have read something like, "well, if she is going to break up with me over religion, then fuck it, that's fine," which is trivializing the spiritual relationships of believers, but yeah... I was angsty, it happens. So neither of these were fair to Jonnie, I understand that; the first was asking her to modify what she believed for me, the second encouraged me to adopt a slight hostility towards religion. Also, I understand that breaking up with me was not something she was at all eager to do, it was really just, at the time, an unfortunate consequence. I do not revel in the fact, or intend to flaunt that it quickly became something more fortunate, but it did, and I finally came to grips with the fact that I was living somewhat of a lie with Jonnie, not dissimilar to the lie I was living as a "Christian," and they were appropriately, even intrinsically, linked: I have said this before, that the closest I felt with Jonnie was when I felt closest to God, therefore, inversely, it makes sense that my "losing God" would allow me to comfortably and quickly get over her. I dunno, this is actually really scattered, but hopefully it makes things a bit more clear.