shaving off the beard
hmm..... i wonder how many people are going to comment on the title instead of what i write.
I just went back and read my last blog for the first time since i wrote it. I ramble alot when i write, and my grammar is fucking horrible. Its funny that i can write so much, but i have trouble expressing the same ideas when i actually have to talk to people. Appearently, I'm not capable of having a real conversation either. hmmm.... thats something i got to work on. Maybe I'll feel a little better about life if I start sharing it with other people. Maybe if I open up more, instead of bitterly gaurding all my thoughts and feelings, I wont be such a wreck. Maybe thats why I'm starting to write in this think. Its a way for me to get shit out, thats slightly less uncomfortable then actually talking to people. Still I know theres alot going on in my head that I'm not going to put down here.
But yeah, while i was shovelling my driveway this afternoon, I got to thinking. I think that maybe the reason I like doing manuel labor, gives you time to think. But yeah, I got to thinking. I'm kinda floating around doing nothing really right now, while I know alot of amazing people who are accomplishing so much. Theres one person in particular who is standing out in my mind, cus today was an important day for her. I dont want to talk about it really, cus its her business not ours, but a year ago, her life was a mess. But shes an amazing person and turned things around, and as far as i know things are doing great for her. She makes me realize that, though I may not always be the best off, ther are people out there who have had it just as hard, and harder then me, who have worked through it and became stronger people. she, and now that i think about quite a few other people in my life, make me despise myself for the way i get some times, for always being so cyncal and bitter, for half assing things cus i assume they wont work out. They make me realize that I can over come my problems if i work at it, and though it may be hard, i need to do it. I mean a year ago, i was pretty much exactly where I am now. theres really no excuse for that. I should always be moving forward.
who knows though. i have issues i have to work out, and some of them arent as simple as saying, hey i need to change this. If it was, i would have changed along time ago.
i had a whole bunch of stuff i wanted to write again, but this all i can seem to get out tonight. everything else became jumbled. hell, i didnt even write what i had in mind when i started. oh well, dont want everything to come out at once anyways, dont want anyone drowning when i open the flood gates, so for now i'll just let it trickle out. haha who am i kidding. I'll probably read this sometime in the next week, say what was i thinking, delete it, and not write again for a few months. yeah, that sounds like something i'd do.
I just went back and read my last blog for the first time since i wrote it. I ramble alot when i write, and my grammar is fucking horrible. Its funny that i can write so much, but i have trouble expressing the same ideas when i actually have to talk to people. Appearently, I'm not capable of having a real conversation either. hmmm.... thats something i got to work on. Maybe I'll feel a little better about life if I start sharing it with other people. Maybe if I open up more, instead of bitterly gaurding all my thoughts and feelings, I wont be such a wreck. Maybe thats why I'm starting to write in this think. Its a way for me to get shit out, thats slightly less uncomfortable then actually talking to people. Still I know theres alot going on in my head that I'm not going to put down here.
But yeah, while i was shovelling my driveway this afternoon, I got to thinking. I think that maybe the reason I like doing manuel labor, gives you time to think. But yeah, I got to thinking. I'm kinda floating around doing nothing really right now, while I know alot of amazing people who are accomplishing so much. Theres one person in particular who is standing out in my mind, cus today was an important day for her. I dont want to talk about it really, cus its her business not ours, but a year ago, her life was a mess. But shes an amazing person and turned things around, and as far as i know things are doing great for her. She makes me realize that, though I may not always be the best off, ther are people out there who have had it just as hard, and harder then me, who have worked through it and became stronger people. she, and now that i think about quite a few other people in my life, make me despise myself for the way i get some times, for always being so cyncal and bitter, for half assing things cus i assume they wont work out. They make me realize that I can over come my problems if i work at it, and though it may be hard, i need to do it. I mean a year ago, i was pretty much exactly where I am now. theres really no excuse for that. I should always be moving forward.
who knows though. i have issues i have to work out, and some of them arent as simple as saying, hey i need to change this. If it was, i would have changed along time ago.
i had a whole bunch of stuff i wanted to write again, but this all i can seem to get out tonight. everything else became jumbled. hell, i didnt even write what i had in mind when i started. oh well, dont want everything to come out at once anyways, dont want anyone drowning when i open the flood gates, so for now i'll just let it trickle out. haha who am i kidding. I'll probably read this sometime in the next week, say what was i thinking, delete it, and not write again for a few months. yeah, that sounds like something i'd do.