After this, not even air condition helps ;)
anonymous
August 7 2008, 08:47:56 UTC
You posted it, yey! And since you were so nice to post it, I shall try and give a useful comment (though I don't guarantee I'll succeed :P).
First of all, the text is very good. The fact that it has its smutty moments doesn't lessen this. I think you really managed to keep them both in character. The only problem is it's maybe a bit explicit for the rest of ICOE. It would probably work better as a oneshot or a piece in Sevenfold. For me the current version of ch 24 on fanfiction.net is more consistent with the overall tone of the story (more emotional than physical), even though I know this extended version shows how it "really" went down ;) (call it reading between the lines ;). You said you sometimes don't know how far to describe - well the best compass to use is the feel of the overall story and what emotion you want the story to convey. Even a good smut scene may seem inappropriate in a light romance/humor story.
So don't wory, you write good smut and you dose it appropriately ;). I'm glad you posted this - like I said, it's fun to have an insight into the whole brainstorming process. But since we're talking (well, not really, but you get the picture ;), it would be fun to see Anzu's comparison between her first time (which obviously wasn't that great) and her first time with Seto. Nothing too long, just a few sentences. She waited a looong time for this so she obviously trusts Seto enough (I like this contrast - Seto's a pretty unpredictable individual but still Anzu feels safe around him).
Oh yes, if you want to add something from this to the final version of ch 24, the passage "Her eyes shut...- ...like a goddess before her most pious, devoted worshiper." gets my vote - not too smutty, but has the emotions between the two pinpointed very nicely.
Well, hope all this made sense. I won't be going online for about a week, so I felt the need to detailedly explain my opinions ;).
Re: After this, not even air condition helps ;)an_ardent_rainAugust 8 2008, 02:13:40 UTC
I appreciate very much you trying to give a helpful comment - very much indeed - but really anything is more than acceptable. I'm glad you thought that I made the right decision by leaving the more explicit stuff out. I was really unsure about that.
And MAN - I'm glad the smut-part is okay. I am really a very generous person, but almost nothing can ruin a story for me like a tasteless/poorly-written/etc. sex scene. Yuck.
Hmm - I hadn't ever considered doing more with this, but you're right - a comparison or something of the sort would be pretty awesome. Heh. Now I'm all thinking and I want to do something with that. Hmm... Maybe I will! Who was it that said art's never finished, just given up on? Heh.
And I actually might add that little bit in. When I re-read over it I came to the part that said he looked as though he were a starving wolf salivating over a fresh, bloody slab of meat and I was like "WTF was I thinking?" but... meh, I did not know how else to convey what I wanted to. Er, sort of.
Anyway! Thanks again for the feedback! Man, I just love getting people's thoughts about my stuff, so I am always in favor of detailedly explained opinions. Hee. :)
First of all, the text is very good. The fact that it has its smutty moments doesn't lessen this. I think you really managed to keep them both in character. The only problem is it's maybe a bit explicit for the rest of ICOE. It would probably work better as a oneshot or a piece in Sevenfold. For me the current version of ch 24 on fanfiction.net is more consistent with the overall tone of the story (more emotional than physical), even though I know this extended version shows how it "really" went down ;) (call it reading between the lines ;). You said you sometimes don't know how far to describe - well the best compass to use is the feel of the overall story and what emotion you want the story to convey. Even a good smut scene may seem inappropriate in a light romance/humor story.
So don't wory, you write good smut and you dose it appropriately ;). I'm glad you posted this - like I said, it's fun to have an insight into the whole brainstorming process. But since we're talking (well, not really, but you get the picture ;), it would be fun to see Anzu's comparison between her first time (which obviously wasn't that great) and her first time with Seto. Nothing too long, just a few sentences. She waited a looong time for this so she obviously trusts Seto enough (I like this contrast - Seto's a pretty unpredictable individual but still Anzu feels safe around him).
Oh yes, if you want to add something from this to the final version of ch 24, the passage "Her eyes shut...- ...like a goddess before her most pious, devoted worshiper." gets my vote - not too smutty, but has the emotions between the two pinpointed very nicely.
Well, hope all this made sense. I won't be going online for about a week, so I felt the need to detailedly explain my opinions ;).
Anubis
P.S. "High fidelity" rocks ;)
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And MAN - I'm glad the smut-part is okay. I am really a very generous person, but almost nothing can ruin a story for me like a tasteless/poorly-written/etc. sex scene. Yuck.
Hmm - I hadn't ever considered doing more with this, but you're right - a comparison or something of the sort would be pretty awesome. Heh. Now I'm all thinking and I want to do something with that. Hmm... Maybe I will! Who was it that said art's never finished, just given up on? Heh.
And I actually might add that little bit in. When I re-read over it I came to the part that said he looked as though he were a starving wolf salivating over a fresh, bloody slab of meat and I was like "WTF was I thinking?" but... meh, I did not know how else to convey what I wanted to. Er, sort of.
Anyway! Thanks again for the feedback! Man, I just love getting people's thoughts about my stuff, so I am always in favor of detailedly explained opinions. Hee. :)
-ILB
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