Barstools and Boobs
Full Metal Alchemist piece of "In and Out of Uniform"
one-sided drunken!Riza/Ed, mostly Riza/Roy
"No!" she said wildly, swinging around on the stool to face him. "I... I don’t care! Have him; take him- no-one else wants him!" She frowned angrily, beginning a brilliantly drunken display. "And... and I don’t care! He’s a... a very bad man! A jerk! A-a worthless, paperwork-avoiding, womanizing, Edward-izing, smug, arrogant, puffed-up player of a colonel. So... so you know what? I don’t care; I don’t give a damn about him at all. Screw Roy!"
But just as she said that she gasped, and grabbed Ed’s coat. With wide-eyes he stared at her. "No! Don’t! Don’t screw Roy- please! He doesn’t deserve it; don’t you ever let him in your pants." She turned around to face the rest of the bar. "Roy’s not getting any, right?" she asked loudly, nearly yelling over all the noise. "We’re not falling for his charms. No sex for Roy. No sex for Roy!"
All the occupants of the bar cheered loudly- paying little attention to what was being said, and more to the loud, commanding tone she was saying it in.
Hawkeye stood on the barstool, wobbling for a moment before regaining her balance enough to raise up her arms to call her comrades to the cause. "Are we going to take this any longer?" she asked wildly. Ed buried his face in his hands, wondering how the hell he was going to salvage any of his pride after being seen with such a... with such an incapacitated Hawkeye. If only there was a way to get her down...
"NO!" the rest of the crowed shouted in answer. She perked up more.
"And are we going to let him get away with it?"
"NO!"
"Are we going to let him string poor, unknowing women along, and take advantage of innocent young boys?"
"NO!"
"Hawkeye," Ed muttered, "You really need to come down."
She swatted him away. "Just a minute," she said in a stage-whisper. "I’m just getting... uh... uh..." Trailing off in confusion, she made due by just pumping a fist in the air and yelling, "ROY’S NEVER GETTING ANY EVER AGAIN! NO SEX FOR ROY!"
The bar erupted in cheers.
And at that moment, the inevitable occurred. Riza slipped, and fell right on top of Ed. No one else took any notice, too busy cheering wildly and cursing "Roy"- though none of them had any idea who he actually was. She laughed giddily, trying to raise herself up and failing miserably. Ed squirmed out from under her, and stood, dusting himself off as he cursed under his breath. Hawkeye still lay immobile on the dirty floor, giggling like... like an incredibly drunken first lieutenant. Ed rolled his eyes heavenward and muttered, "Why me?"
Just then, a heavy form pushed past him. A hand reached down and abruptly grabbed Hawkeye’s. "There you are, miss," a decidedly masculine voice announced, gently helping her to her feet. The mysterious man put an arm around her shoulders, helping her steady herself as she made a half-hearted attempt to stand upright. "You alright?"
She was still giggling. "I’m... just fine."
He smiled tenderly. "I’m Lukas. What’s your name, huh?"
She put a hand to her face coyly, trying hard not to burst into laughter again. "It’s Riza." She winked slyly.
Ed fumed, getting a little fed-up with such pathetic flirting. If some guys had to resort to picking up drunk military chicks...
"Look pal," he said, already frustrated, "Just stop while you’re ahead; she’s too drunk to know any better so I’m here to interfere on her behalf. Get lost."
The man ignored him. "How about I buy you another drink, Riza? And maybe you can ditch shorty over there and we-"
Of course, Ed just couldn’t let that go. "WHAT? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE’S DWARFED BY KINDERGARTNERS?" He yanked Riza away roughly and began pulling her out of the bar.
"Bye Lukas!" she called cheerfully, waving even as Edward all but dragged her away from the building.
"Damn it, Hawkeye," he muttered, "I can’t believe I got stuck doing this. And I always thought you were one of the sane ones..." He let out a frustrated exhale. "You... you shouldn’t even talk to guys like him, Ok? I know that right now you’re in no condition to think, but... Ergh, but nothing! You’re so damn responsible sometimes it’s scary! How the hell did you even get in this condition? I don’t understand it!" He shook his head.
She leaned against him as they walked, clutching his arm as tight as a child would a security blanket. "I’m sorry Eddy."
He shuddered. "Don’t call me that."
She pouted as Edward didn’t look at her, instead concentrating on the dimly lit street in front of them. "Stupid Mustang. It’s all his fault, you know."
Ed rolled his eyes and began to tune her out. "Uh-huh."
"Can’t even stick to one gender." She furrowed her brow in thought for a moment. "Or maybe it’s just you. I don’t think he’s been with any other men. Not even Hughes, and everyone knew how close they were. I guess it is just you- you should feel lucky; he doesn’t normally go for blondes."
"Mm." Ed just made a noncommittal hum.
"And..." She frowned. "Always chasing skirts." Her frown deepened. "I loathe mini-skirts..."
"Of course you do."
Hawkeye sighed sadly. "It’s just... just not fair. I have breasts too, you know."
"I-" Ed stopped walking. He turned a little to face her, eyes wide and cheeks getting hot. "Um, I’m sure you do, but I really don’t think that we should talk about that, okay?"
Hawkeye cocked her head to one side, looking at Ed as though she were trying to solve the mysteries of the universe. "Wanna touch them?"
He jumped back in shock, frightened out of his mind. "Um... NO! God. Just..." His eyes became even wider, his vision darting around frantically, trying to look anywhere but at her. The reason being, whenever he did look at her, his eyes were drawn just a little lower than her face. "First Lieutenant..." he stuttered out nervously, "I understand that you’re, um... Mad at that bastard colonel, but really..." He laughed, his voice high-pitched and rather... squeaky. "I d-don’t think that me and... me and..." He couldn’t help himself; he was beginning to stare.
She giggled. "You’re staring Ed-ward."
Some prior knowledge of "IAOOU" required to fully appreciate what's going on. Heh. Man, I LOVE messing with Ed. *cackles*
ILB
***
one-sided drunken!Riza/Ed, mostly Riza/Roy
"No!" she said wildly, swinging around on the stool to face him. "I... I don’t care! Have him; take him- no-one else wants him!" She frowned angrily, beginning a brilliantly drunken display. "And... and I don’t care! He’s a... a very bad man! A jerk! A-a worthless, paperwork-avoiding, womanizing, Edward-izing, smug, arrogant, puffed-up player of a colonel. So... so you know what? I don’t care; I don’t give a damn about him at all. Screw Roy!"
But just as she said that she gasped, and grabbed Ed’s coat. With wide-eyes he stared at her. "No! Don’t! Don’t screw Roy- please! He doesn’t deserve it; don’t you ever let him in your pants." She turned around to face the rest of the bar. "Roy’s not getting any, right?" she asked loudly, nearly yelling over all the noise. "We’re not falling for his charms. No sex for Roy. No sex for Roy!"
All the occupants of the bar cheered loudly- paying little attention to what was being said, and more to the loud, commanding tone she was saying it in.
Hawkeye stood on the barstool, wobbling for a moment before regaining her balance enough to raise up her arms to call her comrades to the cause. "Are we going to take this any longer?" she asked wildly. Ed buried his face in his hands, wondering how the hell he was going to salvage any of his pride after being seen with such a... with such an incapacitated Hawkeye. If only there was a way to get her down...
"NO!" the rest of the crowed shouted in answer. She perked up more.
"And are we going to let him get away with it?"
"NO!"
"Are we going to let him string poor, unknowing women along, and take advantage of innocent young boys?"
"NO!"
"Hawkeye," Ed muttered, "You really need to come down."
She swatted him away. "Just a minute," she said in a stage-whisper. "I’m just getting... uh... uh..." Trailing off in confusion, she made due by just pumping a fist in the air and yelling, "ROY’S NEVER GETTING ANY EVER AGAIN! NO SEX FOR ROY!"
The bar erupted in cheers.
And at that moment, the inevitable occurred. Riza slipped, and fell right on top of Ed. No one else took any notice, too busy cheering wildly and cursing "Roy"- though none of them had any idea who he actually was. She laughed giddily, trying to raise herself up and failing miserably. Ed squirmed out from under her, and stood, dusting himself off as he cursed under his breath. Hawkeye still lay immobile on the dirty floor, giggling like... like an incredibly drunken first lieutenant. Ed rolled his eyes heavenward and muttered, "Why me?"
Just then, a heavy form pushed past him. A hand reached down and abruptly grabbed Hawkeye’s. "There you are, miss," a decidedly masculine voice announced, gently helping her to her feet. The mysterious man put an arm around her shoulders, helping her steady herself as she made a half-hearted attempt to stand upright. "You alright?"
She was still giggling. "I’m... just fine."
He smiled tenderly. "I’m Lukas. What’s your name, huh?"
She put a hand to her face coyly, trying hard not to burst into laughter again. "It’s Riza." She winked slyly.
Ed fumed, getting a little fed-up with such pathetic flirting. If some guys had to resort to picking up drunk military chicks...
"Look pal," he said, already frustrated, "Just stop while you’re ahead; she’s too drunk to know any better so I’m here to interfere on her behalf. Get lost."
The man ignored him. "How about I buy you another drink, Riza? And maybe you can ditch shorty over there and we-"
Of course, Ed just couldn’t let that go. "WHAT? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE’S DWARFED BY KINDERGARTNERS?" He yanked Riza away roughly and began pulling her out of the bar.
"Bye Lukas!" she called cheerfully, waving even as Edward all but dragged her away from the building.
"Damn it, Hawkeye," he muttered, "I can’t believe I got stuck doing this. And I always thought you were one of the sane ones..." He let out a frustrated exhale. "You... you shouldn’t even talk to guys like him, Ok? I know that right now you’re in no condition to think, but... Ergh, but nothing! You’re so damn responsible sometimes it’s scary! How the hell did you even get in this condition? I don’t understand it!" He shook his head.
She leaned against him as they walked, clutching his arm as tight as a child would a security blanket. "I’m sorry Eddy."
He shuddered. "Don’t call me that."
She pouted as Edward didn’t look at her, instead concentrating on the dimly lit street in front of them. "Stupid Mustang. It’s all his fault, you know."
Ed rolled his eyes and began to tune her out. "Uh-huh."
"Can’t even stick to one gender." She furrowed her brow in thought for a moment. "Or maybe it’s just you. I don’t think he’s been with any other men. Not even Hughes, and everyone knew how close they were. I guess it is just you- you should feel lucky; he doesn’t normally go for blondes."
"Mm." Ed just made a noncommittal hum.
"And..." She frowned. "Always chasing skirts." Her frown deepened. "I loathe mini-skirts..."
"Of course you do."
Hawkeye sighed sadly. "It’s just... just not fair. I have breasts too, you know."
"I-" Ed stopped walking. He turned a little to face her, eyes wide and cheeks getting hot. "Um, I’m sure you do, but I really don’t think that we should talk about that, okay?"
Hawkeye cocked her head to one side, looking at Ed as though she were trying to solve the mysteries of the universe. "Wanna touch them?"
He jumped back in shock, frightened out of his mind. "Um... NO! God. Just..." His eyes became even wider, his vision darting around frantically, trying to look anywhere but at her. The reason being, whenever he did look at her, his eyes were drawn just a little lower than her face. "First Lieutenant..." he stuttered out nervously, "I understand that you’re, um... Mad at that bastard colonel, but really..." He laughed, his voice high-pitched and rather... squeaky. "I d-don’t think that me and... me and..." He couldn’t help himself; he was beginning to stare.
She giggled. "You’re staring Ed-ward."
Some prior knowledge of "IAOOU" required to fully appreciate what's going on. Heh. Man, I LOVE messing with Ed. *cackles*
ILB
***