Self-Loathing
I suppose everyone goes through one of those... moments, one of those times when they'd rather just curl up in a ball and cry, cry, cry than have to face the world ever again. Well... Yah for me. I'm experiencing one of those blessed moments again. I don't know, I... Ok. I'm just feeling a little insecure about my writing. AGAIN. (This shouldn't surprise me.) I know that I'm not the best, but... I don't know, I feel as though I'm just not as good as I had been hoping I was. I guess with all the stress from school, and all the stress at home, and all the STRESS that I bring on my self from my incessant worrying, a bout of depression was a long time in coming. I think I have too much self-pity. No, that's not right. Just... I don't know; I guess I make a bigger deal out of things than I should.
I suppose it's my own fault. I bet you anything my writing would be better if I worked on revision (editing, etc.) a little more. But I'm scared to do that because if that doesn't help then I KNOW that it's from my inferior skills. Oh well. Even though writing is all I have, even though it's one of the only anchors I have to self-respect and sanity, I guess I'm just not cut out for it.
...And yeah. I'm feeling a little bitter about that.
Oh well. I needed this "rant" or whatever the hell it was. And I'll keep writing whether I'm good at it or not. I have loads of time to improve. I mean... I should be reasonable! I've got my whole life ahead of me! I'm already looking into colleges, I'm doing SO MUCH better in the social department (which accounts for this year's "betterness" factor), and-- as my mother would oh-so-graciously remind me-- the future is wide open. I should be thankful I'm healthy and alive! Yeah... I know I don't take things for granted, but I suppose I could be more grateful. And even though the "D-Situation" will probably never be resolved (I hate myself every day for ever letting him go... AND IT'S BEEN NEARLY TWO FUCKING YEARS!), but I've learned to put that out of my mind. Most of the time. Yeah... I'll be turning 17 in less than three months, and then next year I'll be graduating. Even though I'm growing up fast, I'm still a kid; I shouldn't be so cynical. I shouldn't give up so EARLY in life. (I think I've always been bad about that.)
I feel horrible. Why? I don't know. Probably an imbalance in my brain or something. Psychology is fascinating, but I'm far too emotional for it. (I'm practically emotion embodied-- I don't need anyone telling me it's just a chemical thing. I need something-- even if it's false-- to hold on to.) I'll still write; I'll still believe that SOMEONE likes it. I'll still pray that somewhere, somehow it touches someone, and-- even if it never does-- I think I might just be able to get by.
Well. I'm half-considering deleting this whole thing. But I won't. I'll need to come back and read it later, just to remind myself that sometimes it's Ok to get down, but sometimes it's Ok to be happy. So yeah. That's it. That's all. I'm tired. Maybe tomorrow I'll call Smacky or something and she'll cheer me up; as long as I don't start piling my problems on her, a little friend time would be good-- if she's not busy. Yeah, I'm off. My head is killing me, and it's making my eyes hurt.
So bye. Bye. Bye.
(and if ANYONE reads this, please drop me a line. at least then I'll know that i'm not just writing all this total rot in vain. sometimes... it's nice to be reminded i'm still human.)
ILB
I suppose it's my own fault. I bet you anything my writing would be better if I worked on revision (editing, etc.) a little more. But I'm scared to do that because if that doesn't help then I KNOW that it's from my inferior skills. Oh well. Even though writing is all I have, even though it's one of the only anchors I have to self-respect and sanity, I guess I'm just not cut out for it.
...And yeah. I'm feeling a little bitter about that.
Oh well. I needed this "rant" or whatever the hell it was. And I'll keep writing whether I'm good at it or not. I have loads of time to improve. I mean... I should be reasonable! I've got my whole life ahead of me! I'm already looking into colleges, I'm doing SO MUCH better in the social department (which accounts for this year's "betterness" factor), and-- as my mother would oh-so-graciously remind me-- the future is wide open. I should be thankful I'm healthy and alive! Yeah... I know I don't take things for granted, but I suppose I could be more grateful. And even though the "D-Situation" will probably never be resolved (I hate myself every day for ever letting him go... AND IT'S BEEN NEARLY TWO FUCKING YEARS!), but I've learned to put that out of my mind. Most of the time. Yeah... I'll be turning 17 in less than three months, and then next year I'll be graduating. Even though I'm growing up fast, I'm still a kid; I shouldn't be so cynical. I shouldn't give up so EARLY in life. (I think I've always been bad about that.)
I feel horrible. Why? I don't know. Probably an imbalance in my brain or something. Psychology is fascinating, but I'm far too emotional for it. (I'm practically emotion embodied-- I don't need anyone telling me it's just a chemical thing. I need something-- even if it's false-- to hold on to.) I'll still write; I'll still believe that SOMEONE likes it. I'll still pray that somewhere, somehow it touches someone, and-- even if it never does-- I think I might just be able to get by.
Well. I'm half-considering deleting this whole thing. But I won't. I'll need to come back and read it later, just to remind myself that sometimes it's Ok to get down, but sometimes it's Ok to be happy. So yeah. That's it. That's all. I'm tired. Maybe tomorrow I'll call Smacky or something and she'll cheer me up; as long as I don't start piling my problems on her, a little friend time would be good-- if she's not busy. Yeah, I'm off. My head is killing me, and it's making my eyes hurt.
So bye. Bye. Bye.
(and if ANYONE reads this, please drop me a line. at least then I'll know that i'm not just writing all this total rot in vain. sometimes... it's nice to be reminded i'm still human.)
ILB