its not me in your mind.
Well i stayed up this late so i could watch Brand New on Kimmel. Was rather good. To bad that second song got cut off. They really need to stop teasing people like that. Lame.
But now i am not tired. So i am here writing.
Work today was not that bad. worked 10 till 5 and it also went by rather fast. I know i keep forgetting to write about this, but i was employee of the month for the month of August. hah, i dunno how i forgot about something that 'big'. It’s cheap as shit, i don’t get anything for being that. Not extra cash or anything. I got my picture taken and now it’s in the break room with the other 11 months and other peoples pictures. Wow, big deal. I was thinkin id get some kinda cash bonus or a gift or something. But nothing. woohoo, i never really got an congratulations from coworkers or managers. Its a stupid over rated thing that has to be done each month. Lame. Oh well.
I got the EP and a rare demo tape from the band Shabutie today. If you don’t know Shabutie is the old band name for Coheed And Cambria. They changed there name to Coheed after Shabutie put out there EP. Then they got signed and so on and so forth, now we are on the edge of there second album. The old EP and demo is great stuff for damn sure. I am willing to share if anyone wants it i can make them into mp3s if you want.
I had three really good conversations with three amazing people at one point or another tonight. I am not going to name names for you three should know who you are. I have some really remarkable friends, and without them i would be pretty god damn lost. This is not just limited to the three people i had some in depth conversations with tonight; this is to all of my friends in general. You’re all great people. I don’t really know why i am being so sentimental right now; it’s just the mood i am in. I know i have some really great friends, and i really don’t think i thank you all enough for your strength and support you give me and just being your self. I am going to make a note to thank each of you personally as i talk to you next.
Right now i am still not sure what i want out of anything. I still don’t know what i want to do with the rest of my life. (Duh) I don’t know what classes to take next semester, and i really need to start to think about that as soon as possible so i can get shit set straight. I do know that i like working full time like i am now, but i know this will be the last time i do that, because i need to go back to school and i need an education so i don’t spend the rest of my days working at OfficeMax. I don’t know what i want out of a relationship or girls. I already hurt one person because i wouldn’t open my mouth about how i felt. At the time i was interested in making someone else happy. But it was not what i wanted. I made the mistake of not letting her know that. And i feel awful about how it happened. I made way to many mistakes and i wish i could take them all back. I only hope that things don’t become awkward.
A few nights ago while driving home from somewhere late at night, my mind started to wonder. And when that happens, my thoughts are boundless. I started to wonder what it would be like to see how people would react after i died. Like if i were to die tomorrow; who would cry the most? Who would miss me the most? Who would come out and open up about there 4 year crush on me? (<--- wish full thinker) Who would come out and talk shit about me and say what a loser i was and how much i deserved to die? Who would come to my funeral? How my mother would be after i died? How my father and sister would react? How the rest of my family would handle it? How my best friends in the world would handle it, how would they go on? Who would stab me in the back? I also want to know what’s after death. I don’t want to rely on 'faith' of a religion, i want to know. I know this is pretty awful to think about, but sometimes i just wonder. I am far from a depressed person but one has to wonder sometimes. Yeah, i dunno.
I want to live my life as each day was my last. I want to have the guts to see a gorgeous girl walking in the mall or the store and go up to her, and tell her what amazing eyes she has, or just how stunning she is to me. I want to be able to not fight with my mother all the time and stop fighting over ridiculous things. I wish i was not such a cold shouldered person to the people who care about me the most, my family. I want to fix any conflict i have ever had with anyone. For all i know i could never see them again. And the conflict will go unresolved. Something I know I will never forget for as long as I live is this...My cousin was hit by a car and killed while riding her bike to pick up her own car that was down the street a few years ago in NJ. She was newly married to an amazing guy, was very young and had just started the perfect job. I remember there wedding like it was yesterday. My cousin, Debbie, begged me for the longest time during the wedding to have one dance with her. She has known me since I was a baby. I refused to dance with her (I was like 14 or 15 I think). I hate dancing. Now that I look back on that, I wish with everything I have to have taken that one dance; to have sucked up the fact that I hated to dance, and danced with her; I know she wasn’t totally devastated that I wouldn’t dance with her, but that doesn’t matter to me. For now she is gone from this world. It was the one thing I couldn’t forget when I found out what happened and that she passed away. I want to say sorry to any person i have ever hurt. For all i know they won’t be around the next day, and they will never know i was truly sorry for what i did or said or even what I didn’t do or say. I am trying to fix each and every one of these things, but i find it harder then anything in the world.
I really didn’t plan an on entry going in this direction; this is all just coming out in a cluster of words. I am not even certain if its flows or make sense.
This got serious fast; I am going to stop here and try to evaluate what just happened.
But now i am not tired. So i am here writing.
Work today was not that bad. worked 10 till 5 and it also went by rather fast. I know i keep forgetting to write about this, but i was employee of the month for the month of August. hah, i dunno how i forgot about something that 'big'. It’s cheap as shit, i don’t get anything for being that. Not extra cash or anything. I got my picture taken and now it’s in the break room with the other 11 months and other peoples pictures. Wow, big deal. I was thinkin id get some kinda cash bonus or a gift or something. But nothing. woohoo, i never really got an congratulations from coworkers or managers. Its a stupid over rated thing that has to be done each month. Lame. Oh well.
I got the EP and a rare demo tape from the band Shabutie today. If you don’t know Shabutie is the old band name for Coheed And Cambria. They changed there name to Coheed after Shabutie put out there EP. Then they got signed and so on and so forth, now we are on the edge of there second album. The old EP and demo is great stuff for damn sure. I am willing to share if anyone wants it i can make them into mp3s if you want.
I had three really good conversations with three amazing people at one point or another tonight. I am not going to name names for you three should know who you are. I have some really remarkable friends, and without them i would be pretty god damn lost. This is not just limited to the three people i had some in depth conversations with tonight; this is to all of my friends in general. You’re all great people. I don’t really know why i am being so sentimental right now; it’s just the mood i am in. I know i have some really great friends, and i really don’t think i thank you all enough for your strength and support you give me and just being your self. I am going to make a note to thank each of you personally as i talk to you next.
Right now i am still not sure what i want out of anything. I still don’t know what i want to do with the rest of my life. (Duh) I don’t know what classes to take next semester, and i really need to start to think about that as soon as possible so i can get shit set straight. I do know that i like working full time like i am now, but i know this will be the last time i do that, because i need to go back to school and i need an education so i don’t spend the rest of my days working at OfficeMax. I don’t know what i want out of a relationship or girls. I already hurt one person because i wouldn’t open my mouth about how i felt. At the time i was interested in making someone else happy. But it was not what i wanted. I made the mistake of not letting her know that. And i feel awful about how it happened. I made way to many mistakes and i wish i could take them all back. I only hope that things don’t become awkward.
A few nights ago while driving home from somewhere late at night, my mind started to wonder. And when that happens, my thoughts are boundless. I started to wonder what it would be like to see how people would react after i died. Like if i were to die tomorrow; who would cry the most? Who would miss me the most? Who would come out and open up about there 4 year crush on me? (<--- wish full thinker) Who would come out and talk shit about me and say what a loser i was and how much i deserved to die? Who would come to my funeral? How my mother would be after i died? How my father and sister would react? How the rest of my family would handle it? How my best friends in the world would handle it, how would they go on? Who would stab me in the back? I also want to know what’s after death. I don’t want to rely on 'faith' of a religion, i want to know. I know this is pretty awful to think about, but sometimes i just wonder. I am far from a depressed person but one has to wonder sometimes. Yeah, i dunno.
I want to live my life as each day was my last. I want to have the guts to see a gorgeous girl walking in the mall or the store and go up to her, and tell her what amazing eyes she has, or just how stunning she is to me. I want to be able to not fight with my mother all the time and stop fighting over ridiculous things. I wish i was not such a cold shouldered person to the people who care about me the most, my family. I want to fix any conflict i have ever had with anyone. For all i know i could never see them again. And the conflict will go unresolved. Something I know I will never forget for as long as I live is this...My cousin was hit by a car and killed while riding her bike to pick up her own car that was down the street a few years ago in NJ. She was newly married to an amazing guy, was very young and had just started the perfect job. I remember there wedding like it was yesterday. My cousin, Debbie, begged me for the longest time during the wedding to have one dance with her. She has known me since I was a baby. I refused to dance with her (I was like 14 or 15 I think). I hate dancing. Now that I look back on that, I wish with everything I have to have taken that one dance; to have sucked up the fact that I hated to dance, and danced with her; I know she wasn’t totally devastated that I wouldn’t dance with her, but that doesn’t matter to me. For now she is gone from this world. It was the one thing I couldn’t forget when I found out what happened and that she passed away. I want to say sorry to any person i have ever hurt. For all i know they won’t be around the next day, and they will never know i was truly sorry for what i did or said or even what I didn’t do or say. I am trying to fix each and every one of these things, but i find it harder then anything in the world.
I really didn’t plan an on entry going in this direction; this is all just coming out in a cluster of words. I am not even certain if its flows or make sense.
This got serious fast; I am going to stop here and try to evaluate what just happened.