(no subject)
I give all of myself to the ppl in my life. I give even more to my partner, or those I wish would be one day. And I get thank yous, but never the kind of gesture to show true appreciation. I have given hundreds of massages in my life and the only person who returns the favor is my mother. Tasha gave me one once, for my birthday and she paid someone else to do it. I don't know how to give less, but I sometimes wish I could. I miss having someone in my life I felt was deserving of what I have to give, tho I'm not sure anyone ever really has. She put u[ with so much from me and self hating and being a jerk to her, but it's not like all of it was without merit. She was never an adult or had control over her own life, then got mad at me to for trying to help her gain it. It was always me versus her family. I never stood a chance and I honestly don't know why I ever tried. I could never be as important as they are and the few thing she did to try to prove I did, she resented me for every second of everyday afterward. It was a losing fight for me, but I loved her more than anything in whole world. I would have done any and everything to make her happy and I gave her my all. I regret her being exposed to my self hate, but that's all. I don't think I did anything wrong outside of that. I tried in the only ways I could possibly think of to get what I needed from her, but it was never an available to me. Not even an option. She's an amazing person and the best friend, at times, but only if her family didn't require something of her instead. I miss the woman she was supposed to have turned in to. I wonder if it's me that threw her off course. I don't think it was. I think her family was always determined enough to ruin her dreams and crush the difference a person like her could make on the world. I always believed she could do it, if she could them out of her way. Too bad for the world... and for me.