(no subject)
Today I had an appointment with my academic advisor and as I sat there in that office, describing my plans for the future I didn't even recognize myself. I had ambition. I spoke of my efforts as a student, my goals for grad school, my dreams of travelling to far off lands, speaking foreign language, giving a helping hand in the world. Yet, underneath it all, I am just a slacker. All those aspirations are nothing but dreams. I have no foundation that is keeping me from falling through the cracks.
I just keep waiting for some bomb to explode. For my whole life to fall apart. Nothing ever turns out like I want or expect so I know this can't. What will go wrong? It sounds cynical, but it is by far the most realistic. The sick part is that I think part of me wants it to go wrong. I feel like I have built this perfect world around myself that is held up by pressure, pressure, pressure. Now everyone around me is expecting things of me. I can't let it go. I can't back down. I am so scared to fail, but even more scared to have the opportunity to succeed.
I just keep waiting for some bomb to explode. For my whole life to fall apart. Nothing ever turns out like I want or expect so I know this can't. What will go wrong? It sounds cynical, but it is by far the most realistic. The sick part is that I think part of me wants it to go wrong. I feel like I have built this perfect world around myself that is held up by pressure, pressure, pressure. Now everyone around me is expecting things of me. I can't let it go. I can't back down. I am so scared to fail, but even more scared to have the opportunity to succeed.