Friday Night
I'm tired and rather blue for some reason. The truth of the matter is I have never felt so secure. Ty loves me, Ian is happy and I get to spend my life with the two people I love most in the world. I can't imagine a life with out Ty, it makes me so happy that he allows me to love him and care for him. He's so thoughtful and genuinely caring, I still don't know how I got lucky enough to have him want me. I just can't seem to let go of other crap going on at work and with mom and I worry about not being enough.
It's our last weekend with out Ian. We can't do much in the way of celebrating since money is tight. I've missed Ian alot but I am worried that things will be complicated and a bit tense when he gets back. He is always a bit sad after leaving mom and Ty and I have been childless for almost a month so I expect will be a bit impatient for a bit.
I guess I have reasons to be a bit down but I don't want to be. The whole situation with mom and Sam has me so upset. I feel guilty that I can't help them more but I also am so angry that they are in this position. I want to be able to lean on them now and then and I"m so tired of having to help them. Both Jenny and Tim have stepped up and are helping a bit which is nice but it just leads to me feeling more guilty. My jesus complex I guess. Money is tight here too. I'm not really sure why - we are pretty careful and don't overspend. I know I did in the weeks leaving up to the wedding, I spent money on new clothes and that stupid girls morning at the spa that no one seemed to enjoy. But since then I've been really good, tried to be anyway. I make $1250 a week and I am only bringing home $700 after taxes and insurance and 401k. I definitely feel like I should have held out for more money at this job. I made a bad decision because I was nervous about not having a job. I haven't not had a job since I was 16 and the idea scared me. I should have slowed down and thought things through.
Work is ok I guess. It's hard, I feel like I never quite have a good grasp on what I should be doing and how well I am doing. At times I think I am doing well and everyone is happy with me other times I just don't know. It's lonely being in a different office every other day. I like being in the carmel office but it's very very lonely. It's gotten better, to the point where people will say hello or make small talk a bit but for the most part I am my usual invisible self. It makes me sad to sit at my desk eating a sandwich every day while everyone else goes out to lunch, no one even thinks to ask. They aren't mean about it, it just doesn't occur to them because I am wall paper, I just fade into the background. I hate it.
It is the most wonderful thing in the world to be able to come home to Ty at the end of the day. I've never been able to just relax and let someone else be in charge. There are nights I just want to fold myself into his arms and stay there forever. I feel like I am messing things up already. I'm so needy, I want his attention and now that we live together it's silly to imagine that I would be the most important thing. I love his touch, when he holds me and touches me it makes me ache because it feels so good. I love his hands on me. I wish I could get over the need for more. I can't seem to not feel inadequate when he doesn't want more or when he'd rather do something else first before coming to bed. I lie in bed aching to have him hold me. I wish I could get myself together and stop being so whiny and needy. I know it has to be annoying to him. I hear stupid things coming out of my mouth and can't seem to stop them. I'm not feeling all that attractive anyway and I am tired all the time it seems, especially in the late evenings when we'd have time alone together. I want to make him happy and relaxed and comfortable with me,us, in his life and I just don't feel like I accomplish it. I feel like I just create new complications and annoyances for him. I wish I knew what to do, i wish I could see into his head.
It's our last weekend with out Ian. We can't do much in the way of celebrating since money is tight. I've missed Ian alot but I am worried that things will be complicated and a bit tense when he gets back. He is always a bit sad after leaving mom and Ty and I have been childless for almost a month so I expect will be a bit impatient for a bit.
I guess I have reasons to be a bit down but I don't want to be. The whole situation with mom and Sam has me so upset. I feel guilty that I can't help them more but I also am so angry that they are in this position. I want to be able to lean on them now and then and I"m so tired of having to help them. Both Jenny and Tim have stepped up and are helping a bit which is nice but it just leads to me feeling more guilty. My jesus complex I guess. Money is tight here too. I'm not really sure why - we are pretty careful and don't overspend. I know I did in the weeks leaving up to the wedding, I spent money on new clothes and that stupid girls morning at the spa that no one seemed to enjoy. But since then I've been really good, tried to be anyway. I make $1250 a week and I am only bringing home $700 after taxes and insurance and 401k. I definitely feel like I should have held out for more money at this job. I made a bad decision because I was nervous about not having a job. I haven't not had a job since I was 16 and the idea scared me. I should have slowed down and thought things through.
Work is ok I guess. It's hard, I feel like I never quite have a good grasp on what I should be doing and how well I am doing. At times I think I am doing well and everyone is happy with me other times I just don't know. It's lonely being in a different office every other day. I like being in the carmel office but it's very very lonely. It's gotten better, to the point where people will say hello or make small talk a bit but for the most part I am my usual invisible self. It makes me sad to sit at my desk eating a sandwich every day while everyone else goes out to lunch, no one even thinks to ask. They aren't mean about it, it just doesn't occur to them because I am wall paper, I just fade into the background. I hate it.
It is the most wonderful thing in the world to be able to come home to Ty at the end of the day. I've never been able to just relax and let someone else be in charge. There are nights I just want to fold myself into his arms and stay there forever. I feel like I am messing things up already. I'm so needy, I want his attention and now that we live together it's silly to imagine that I would be the most important thing. I love his touch, when he holds me and touches me it makes me ache because it feels so good. I love his hands on me. I wish I could get over the need for more. I can't seem to not feel inadequate when he doesn't want more or when he'd rather do something else first before coming to bed. I lie in bed aching to have him hold me. I wish I could get myself together and stop being so whiny and needy. I know it has to be annoying to him. I hear stupid things coming out of my mouth and can't seem to stop them. I'm not feeling all that attractive anyway and I am tired all the time it seems, especially in the late evenings when we'd have time alone together. I want to make him happy and relaxed and comfortable with me,us, in his life and I just don't feel like I accomplish it. I feel like I just create new complications and annoyances for him. I wish I knew what to do, i wish I could see into his head.